Hares: Edgar Allan Ho, Blows a Tranny, Obeastiologist, Put It Out and Mannipple Lickter
Brew Crew: Saskatchewsnatch and George StuffedAnOctopus
Virgins: Just Jaime, Andy, Sharon, Jenn, Nisha, Heather, Kendra, Laurie, Erin, Emily, Brian, Ro, Julie, Paul, Kelsey, Jenn, Jason, Ainsly, Hume
Visitors: eXplodes On iMpact (MemphisH3), Cork Sucker (Puget Sound H3), Banana Hamock (Austin H3), Just Dave (Texas) and Just Christine (Texas)
Analversaries: Tits for Tots (100), Wookin Pa Nub (69), Slum Cockanywhere (17) and Peas on my Face (17)
OnOnOn: Ruby Tuesdays
This year Every Day Is Wednesday hosted the 6th leg of the Tour Duh Hash. The Tour Duh Hash is an annual event where the truly intrepid (or stupid) can broaden their horizons and enlarge their livers over 9 straight days of hashing with each hash hosted by a different DC kennel. Seizing the opportunity to show off an EWH3 trail to hashers from other kennels, the hares presented us with a trail so great it was guaranteed to get all but the most prudish of harriets absolutely dripping wet!
Our illustrious GM, Kandy Panties circled us up, some announcements were made and we warned NOT to bring any technology on trail. The virgins and visitors were introduced, we sang a single verse of High My Name Is Joe, and the pack was sent off.
The trail itself was shiggerific. It was muddy, had a number of river crossings and more wet holes than a porn convention. This trail swept me off my feet! (Literally, the current on one of the river crossings swept me off my feet.) Fortunately my equipment (scribe notebook and pen) was well wrapped so I was still able to perform at the end circle. My parents have been telling be to wrap my junk since middle school! They can’t say I didn’t listen.
Along the way we were treated to two beer checks and a gratuitous shot of ChippenFails bare ass. Amazingly the casualties were minimal and most of the pack made it to the end circle. (Frankly I’m always amazed that most of the pack makes it to end circle…)
To enjoy photographic evidence of all the shiggy, wet t-shirts and debauchery be sure to check out the hash flash: http://www.kodakgallery.com/ewh3/
Now on to the details:
Violations:
· Po Po Disco did a down-down for having perfect face makeup in spite of running the wettest, shiggiest trail of the year. Cock Your Suck I Will, whose “makeup” (a broken nose and two black eyes) resembled a raccoons, did a down-down for not getting advice from Po Po about how to put her face on.
· Air Spanker One and ChippenFails do not exactly epitomize the pinnacle of human evolution, so it was no surprise when they were both caught flinging poo on trail.
· Banana Hammock paid for hash cash with $2 bills. I guess inflation is starting to affect the tips you get as a stripper.
· Kandy Panties, after warning the entire pack NOT to bring any technology on trail, was caught answering his blackberry while he was chest deep in water. According to witnesses he answered with the line “It’s not a good time.” Really? No shit! I bet KP is the kind of guy that picks up a call from his mom while he‘s having sex too.
· Wax On Whacks Off was caught urinating using an unusual lunging stance. He did a down-down for learning how to urinate from his dog.
· Maytagged got a sex injury that actually required a visit to the emergency room. Afterwards she was so bow legged that she waddled more than she walked. I’m guessing the next time Maytagged sees an ad in the City Paper looking for a girl for some “equine fun,” she’ll think twice.
· Keyless Entry was quoted as saying “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a dark wet tunnel and I’ve missed it.”
· Me-Likee-Lickee-Caca thinks all Asian girls look alike.
· Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me was off trail and thought she heard someone calling her name: “Cocky!, Cocky!” It turned out they were actually screaming “Cracker!, Cracker!”
· Mannipple Lickter lost his hash mug. Fortunately for him it was found by Legs Over Easy who returned it to him carefully encased in a protective layer of Jello.
Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)
Just Nick grew up in South Dakota and went to South Dakota State University, home of the Jack Rabbits. He works for the USDA performing hog and pig inventories. He didn’t seem very confindent about what his hobbies were, answering “Cycling, well no not really, volleyball.” At this point the crowd decided that Just Nick may be a little bit retarded.
Just Nick is married although he is known for showing up to the hash with a woman who is not his wife. When asked what his favorite sexual position Just Nick responded ‘piggy style.’ After a demonstration it turned out ‘piggy style’ was awful lot like ‘doggy style.’ His most embarrassing sexual moment was being caught by his first girlfriend’s mother while they were in the act. Since the mom just walked away, without saying anything, this story didn’t seem too embarrassing. However the strangest place Just Nick ever had sex was in a porta potty at a Dave Matthews concert. (Hold on a minute while I try to keep my lunch contained… Okay I think I’m okay. Really, a porta potty has got to be one of the unsexiest place to have sex EVER. Almost as bad as a Dave Matthews concert!)
Armed with this information the crowd came up with the following names for Just Nick:
- Everything But The Squeal
- Fucks Slow Women
- Corky the Pig
- Pork-n-Ride
- Bring Home the Bacunt
- Pig-in-a-polk
- Under the Table and Creaming
- Squeal Chair
- Ass Into Me
In the end all of these suggestions paled against Porka Potty. And so with golden beverage Just Nick was christened Porka Potty.
Then we had a very special occasion (for realz)… a SECOND NAMING!
A second naming, now this is something we actually DON’t do every week! Just Jill is known for showing up to the hash with Porka Potty every week. She is from Michigan and went to Michigan State for College where she majored in Spanish and Criminal Justice. She uses this education to perform background checks for non-profit agencies.
The meanest thing she had ever done to one of her siblings growing up was to take a switch to her younger sister. She has been kicked out of Catholic school. Her most embarrassing non-sexual moment was walking out of the bathroom in high school with her skirt tucked into her shorts.
Just Jill lost her virginity at 13 (well… it may have been 17). When asked if she had ever had a lesbian experience Just Jill said “no” but indicated that she was curious. The most interesting place she had ever had sex was in the paint room of the student union and MSU. (Wow, really getting wild there…) Her most embarrassing sexual moment was losing her shorts while getting finger banged in van; she had to walk home wrapped in a blanket. (Apparently, this was also her first time rounding that particular base. Way to start your ‘career’ there Just Jill!) She also remembered that the van was 1982 Chevy diesel. Klassy! (with a capitol K on purpose)
The following names were proposed by the crowd:
- Jack Me Off
- Uncle Tom’s Stabbin
- Rusty Chastity Belt
- Finger Taint by Numbers
- C.O.N.D.O.M. (Was an acronym for something. I don’t remember what. It sucked anyway.)
- Father Forgive Me
- Sexcommunicated
- Sister Mary Gagged on Her
From now on we’ll be calling Just Jill Uncle Tom’s Stabbin.
We went to the OnOnOn, got drunk and tried to sleep with people from other hashes. (Hey that IS new!) Was everybody happy? You bet your ass we were!
Until next time…
On on,
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe