Hares: Cute Lesbian In Training, Tar Squeal, Red Vag of Courage, Sphincter Shy, Gaystation, Pittsburgh Kneeler, Fluffer No Butther
Brew Crew: Fucks Up Doc?, Buttfuck Norris
Virgins: Justs Kristen, William, Andrew, Philip, Scott , Tamara, Christa, Allison, Natalie, Marie, Emily, Luis, Ashton, Erica, David, David, Jenny, Anicero, Carla, Laura, Rebecca, Mike, Elizabeth, Winnie, Dan, Trish, Ben
Visitors: Party Mouth (Guantanamo Bay), Swinger (Atlanta), Explodes on Impact (Memphis)
Ononon: Larry’s Lounge
The pack of black-clad dominatrixes and submissives met up in Dupont Circle for the S&M hash, a couple hours before another pack of black-clad Iran election protesters were slated to meet up in the same place, confusing tourons and passers-by alike. We ran through the neighborhood to a shot check, and by shots, I mean Dixie Cups of boxed wine. Classy! Thus refreshed, the pack headed into Rock Creek Park, whips cracking along the way. We forded Rock Creek at a particularly deep point; a few of the shortest harriers and harriettes may have had to swim, and then up the steepest, slipperiest hill in DC. Damn, those hares really are sadistic. We dried off by running through Georgetown and into the gayest beer check ever, right at P Street Beach.
We interrupt this hash trash for a quick PSA (as in Public Service Announcement, not Please Step Away from the Whores): Corsets chafe when you run several miles in them. Use lube, er, I mean, Body Glide, generously. The runners traced a circuitous route through Dupont Circle into Adams Morgan, while the walkers made a detour for Rita’s Frozen Ice, but we all eventually ended up at the On-In by Marie Reed. There were kickballers playing nearby, so we could blame all the noise and general obnoxiousness on them. After all, they’re the ones looking like idiots in their matching t-shirts.
- Cock-A-Doodle-Do-Me broke Cock Your Suck I Will’s nose a couple weeks ago, so Cock Your Suck I Will got revenge by locking Cocky up in her S&M dungeon and having her way with her.
- An Inconvenient Poop tossed out half of her beer at beer check. That’s alcohol abuse!
- Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock took the money his roommates gave him for the cable bill and used it to buy a plane ticket—and not even to go hike the Appalachian Trail, I mean, get some Argentinian tail.
- Ring Toss Salad sold some of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock’s video games to pay the cable bill, but didn’t make enough of a profit margin to buy any porn.
- Silly Gay Virus got kicked out of a strip club for requesting a Backstreet Boys song. If he wanted it that way, he should’ve gone out in the gayborhood instead.
- Cock Your Suck I Will pushed another hasher to the ground to get to the front of the pack, without setting up a safety word first.
- Manipple Lickter tried to play crossing guard but directed the pack into oncoming traffic, also without setting up a safety word first.
- Just Ben and Shetland Blow Me had sex in a port-a-potty on trail. I thought that was Pork-A-Potty’s job.
- Just Rory confused Tits for Tots with I Suck Dead People, which led the pack to confuse Just Rory with Helen Keller.
- Just Winnie brought a camelback of vodka and cranberry juice to her virgin hash—that’s not just acceptable but commendable hash behavior.
- Fluffer No Butther tried to order a Long Island iced tea at Rita’s. For the record, Rita’s is an Italian ice joint that does not have a liquor license.
- Big Bend Over was looking for the first aid kit because his nipples were chafed, and he wasn’t even wearing a corset.
- Cum and Knock on my Back Door is going to be teaching special education at a middle school in Southeast. As if the parents in that part of town didn’t have enough to worry about, now they’ll really need to lock up their sons.
- The hares had a scouting fail; they put the beer check right by a public pool that was open. It’s almost like they wanted someone to end up in handcuffs.
- Explodes on Impact was whining on trail even when no one was whipping him.
- Big Bend Over thought this was the Outdoorsman’s Weekly hash rather than the S&M hash; he brought a fishing pole instead of a riding crop.
- KP promised a long time ago to drill a hole in Cocktuplets, but he hasn’t yet. Don’t keep a girl waiting!
- Ring Toss Salad was responsible for the big wet spot on the periphery of end circle.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Fluffher No Butther went off the trail he was haring to pay a visit to his girlfriend, Rita. He’s pussywhipped, and she’s frigid.
- Cum Dumpling ran smack into a building on trail, because he needed to hurt just a little more.
- Put It Out killed Michael Jackson so that he could be the oldest pedophile around. I’ve got you in my sights, PIO. You’d better sleep with one eye open.
- Gaystation lost his wingman when Michael Jackson died. He should blame PIO.
- Cradle to the Dreidel couldn’t decide which way she swings, so she jumped into a bush full of pricks to get the best of both worlds.
- Party Mouth came all the way up from Guantanamo Bay and didn’t even waterboard anyone on trail.
- Shamrock Your Cock: George W. Bush is no longer president, so it’s ok to pronounce “nuclear” properly again. It’s not “nucular.”
- Cum Dumpling and Saskatchewsnatch forgot to tell Bow Chick-a-Bow-Bow to bring his fist-shaped dildo.
- Cock Your Suck I Will had to get plastic surgery to get rid of the damage from Cocky’s love bite.
Then we had a NAMING!…. sort of.
Just Nick attended the Naval Academy and is now a pilot with the Marines, so in other words, he gets paid to play with a stick that is attached to a weapon. He flies harriers but claims to prefer to ride harriettes, despite having a Tom Cruise poster in his bedroom. Just Nick studied history and likes goats and prefers to shag them doggy style. He claims to have passed out in a model. Model what? I don’t know. Just Nick’s favorite hobby is skydiving, but he’s never jumped tandem because he doesn’t like to have a guy behind him. Even if it were Tom Cruise? Finally, some kids once saw him giving a blow job in a parking lot. Oh, wait, was that supposed to be getting a blow job? My bad. I bet Tom Cruise was somehow involved.
Despite this wealth of information, the pack didn’t come up with much of anything good, so we threw Just Nick back. Remember it for next time.
We proceeded to the on-on-on, drank cheap beer, and hit on gay guys.
Spankings and whippings,
Tits for Tots