Hares: Brokeback Mama, A Red River Runs Through It, SlumCock Anywhere, and Just Zara
Brew Crew: Mannipple Lickter and Oedipus Sex
Virgins: Just Matt, Kieron, Bill, Hank, Aaron, Mark, Fred, Greg, Tiffany, Vickie, Josh, Beth, Guggan, Russ, Mike, Zack, Ben, Jane, Jacqueline, Jade and Sharb
Visitors: Salad Shooter (San Diego), Just Christen (homeless), Hell I Smell Her (Aloha H3), Quiver Dance (Hampton H3), Mr. Beanie Weenie (Vulcan H3), and Coxycontin (S.H.I.T) (I guess no one told Coxy that being a SHIT hasher does not make you a visitor!)
Analversaries: Double Ohhh Positive (69) and Eat Your Vegetables (69)
OnOnOn: The Pour House
We circled up in front of Union Station for the “A Hare Called Wanda” trail. So cleverly named because all of the hares have names that are spoofs of famous movie titles. Little did we know that this hash was going to be epic (in length) with a boring plot (trail) and an intermission (beer check) that came way too late. The jokes also stank (the beer check was situated next to the fish market).
Eventually the travesty ended, the credits rolled, and the cast members (hares) of this shit show were forced to do many down-downs. There was much rejoicing.
(If you think the description of trail is just a bunch of lame movie jokes because I can’t remember what the trail was actually like… you would be correct.)
Now on to the details:
- 3-2-1 Fuck Off and Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me both tried to pay their hash cash with coins. We all know you can’t tip a stripper with coins and therefor their currency was worthless.
- Tits for Tots claims that here boobs are always oriented east and west. We all hope that they help her find a penis that’s oriented north.
- Cum and Knock on my Back Door, Silly Gay Virus and Peewee’s Little Adventure all wore matching outfits. No really!
- Roll Over, Bitch! was complaining that we had more virgins than Justs on today’s trail and that it was someones fault and that they needed to be punished. Since I couldn’t figure out whose fault it was, or even if this was something that anyone should complain about, I decided that Ro,B! needed to drink.
- Just Evan and his virgin clasped hand and ran into the end together so that neither would “win” the hash. They both “won” a down-down for this stunt.
- Cocktuplets was attracted to the beer check because it smelled like pussy.
- Just Jess and Just Bill both had technology on trail.
- Just Stephanie and Just Michelle both carried their purses on trail. I hope the purses at least had condoms in them, in case of trail sex!
- The hares were violated for marking the trail in from of the holocaust museam with stars of David. I guess it IS too soon.
- A Red River Runs Through It forgot to bring the walkers trail through shot check.
- The harerazor, Roll Over, Bitch! was pulling out the trail map at every check. I guess he didn’t remember that you can actually solve them.
- Maytagged is being deported and so won’t be at the hash for while.
- Cum Dumpling was violated for not being able to raise his arm while screaming “white flour.” I’m not quite sure I understand this violation but he drank for it anyway.
- Brokeback Mama couldn’t help lay his own trail because he locked all his shit in his car and had to wait for AAA to send a locksmith.
- Edgar Allan Ho is receiving free condoms from the government. We can only assume that they are trying to avert an pandemic of swine herpes.
- Finally John 3:69 wore shoes so new and bright that the glare off of them was blinding. A down-down out of the right shoe should teach her not to do that again.
Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)
Just Brandon went to the University of Minnesota where he studied psychology, meaning now he works as a waiter… well actually he works for Consumer Reports. What, exactly, he did for that publication wasn’t clear but probably wasn’t interesting enough to warrant much attention by the crowd.
His favorite sexual position is missionary and his favorite barnyard animal is a pig. He most embarrassing sexual moment was getting caught in the middle of coitus, in a dorm room at college. (OMG! How embarrassing… not.) The most interesting place he had ever had sex was the restroom of some cafe in DC. He claimed not to be very good in bed… way to intrigue the ladies there Just Brandon! I guess if you are going to be disappointed in the morning you might as well know ahead of time.
One interesting fact about Just Brandon is that he is a felon. Apparently he went ape-shit after the Golden Gophers lost (or maybe won) some game. He tore a bunch of signs down and caused several thousand dollars in damage. His aggressive attitude while on his knees, in the middle of circle was also noted by many.
Armed with this info the crowd came up with many bad names for Just Brandon. In the end our RA, Cum Dumpling, decided to throw him back. I guess we’ll be hearing more from Just Brandon soon!
Then we all went to The Pour House where drama ensued as we hit on the roommate of our former lover, who also happened to be the one who made out with our best friend after they got really hammered at that party last month… Was everybody happy? You bet your ass we were!
Until next time…
Rear Protein Injection