EWH3 #543 – Black of the Clones Hash, Waterfront
Hares: Private Snowball, Runs with Bulls, Sucks It Blue, The Udder Ho, Hungry Hungry Homo, Rear Protein Injection
Brew Crew: Fuck’s Up, Doc, Buttfuck Norris
Virgins: Just: Chris, Erin, Nela, Miranda, Sam, Richie, Andy, Christine, Josh, Chad, Blair
Visitors: Shitty Kitty Porn Porn (Vegas H3), Cherry Poppins (Ben Franklin Mob H3), Just Martha (Carleton College H3), Just Braydon (Seattle H3), Dam It and Damn It (Ann Arbor H3), Emergency Blow
Analversaries: Duck Job—100 hashes
The pack met up in front of a church on the Southwest Waterfront. Not the church of beer, where we all worship, but an actual church. We circled up, the hares came out in matching black t-shirts and kilts (except for RPI, who was wearing a towel—leave it to the one white dude to take a trend and make it look stupid), and after a rousing chorus of, “Hi, my name is Joe,” off we went. It wasn’t too long before we got to the first shot check, a Black Russian. By the time our stomachs settled from that, we reached the second shot check in a park, a White Russian. That shot tied the whole trail together! The pack ran on, thinking we’d hit the beer check at any second. We ran by two or three locations where we’d had beer checks before, and still no Plan B in sight. We got our hopes up and got let down so many times that by the time we finally reached beer check somewhere in Southeast, we could all identify with the plight of the angry black man.
The second half of trail was, thankfully, pretty short and sweet. We crossed back into Southwest, hit our third shot check—a screwdriver, which didn’t fit the theme at all—and headed to the on-in, under a bridge.
Offensive, Racist Violations (Srsly. If I believed in hell, I’d be going there for these):
- Doesn’t Pull Out has been tracking his calorie intake. How many are there in semen, anyway? Inquiring minds want to know.
- RPI was the Michael Jackson of the Black of the Clones hares.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock and PeeWee’s Little Adventure weren’t wearing matching shirts. You’d almost think they’d gone straight.
- Just Mosi really should’ve hared this trail.
- Just Zara and Just Jen turned down the second shot once they found out that it was creamy. Boys, don’t even bother trying.
- Fluffer No Butther couldn’t stop at cock-blocking other hashers and had to go and cock-block a random dude who was getting a booty call in his car.
- Cute Lesbian in Training introduced herself to Assfixiation with the greeting, “I love being wet! What’s your name?” Classy.
- PoPo Disco was drinking out of a Starbucks mug that matched her bra and her shorts. She’s so yuppietastic, she looks like she’s trying out to be in the Fairfax Rap video.
- The hares laid a marathon of a trail. I thought black dudes were only good at sprinting!
- Suck her for Sushi said he had two virgins, but the girl didn’t come. Dude, you’re doing it wrong.
- PeeWee’s Little Adventure drew candy on the back of his shirt to get some kids in the playground we ran through to follow him. He’s starting to get himself confused with his namesake. Next thing you know, he’ll get arrested for whacking off in an adult movie theatre (if they even still have those, since everyone gets their porn on the interwebs nowadays).
- Just Erin was running with a fanny pack. What tour bus did she get it from?
- Assfixiation still thinks there’ll be tippy cup in 5 minutes.
- The Udder Ho kept getting all the other hares confused with each other. See, even black dudes can’t tell each other apart!
- Motormouth didn’t hare the trail because he’s even whiter than RPI.
- RPI took advantage of affirmative action to hare the trail.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Roll Over, Bitch!, the hare razor, made the black dudes work twice as hard to lay a trail twice as long as everyone else’s.
- Emergency Blow was laying on the ground with a bunch of white stuff all over his face during the second shot check. Tasty, no?
- Duck Job needed permission from the man to cum to the hash.
- Assflac thought Davy Crotch Itch was a virgin.
- Edgar Allan Ho got a new job and can be a sugar mama now.
- The hares tried to start a gang on trail.
- PeeWee’s Little Adventure told a random on the street that we were chasing black people.
- Double Ohhh Positive, Snap Crackle Poop, and Please Step Away from the Whores auto-hashed.
- PoPo Disco bought her bra at Target, but she gets her underwear at the dollar store.
- Areola Borealis was so excited about being able to pee like a guy, she gave her skirt to Sucks It Blue.
- PoPo Disco said something about how stiff her hair was. She should’ve swallowed.
- Cock Your Suck I Will was being a raceist on trail. No, not that kind, the other kind.
- Just Hallie asked Tony Panda if he wanted her to wipe his ass.
- Shamrock Your Cock obviously isn’t doing her job well if Just Hallie has to ask Tony Panda that.
Then we had a NAMING!
Just Zara attended George Washington University, where she majored in international affairs, and now works for the Smithsonian, giving tours. So that’s what they call head now! She lost her virginity at age 17 in the back of a jeep and likes chickens and reverse cowgirl. Just Zara owns a sex toy that she thinks is called the “little rabbit.” She wore a pearl necklace to her first hash. She once had sex on an incline bench press. Just Zara once lost her underwear the morning after sex, but was found when her then-boyfriend’s dog puked it up while they were having breakfast with his mother.
Shitty name suggestions were:
- Lost and Found
- At Least He Didn’t Shit it Out
- Pumpin’ Wood
- Oh, What A Bite
- Whore Guide
- Incline Pressed
- One Way or the Other
Before we could throw Just Zara back, it was mentioned that she neglected to tell us that she was on her period when her boyfriend’s dog ate and threw up her underwear. Because of this, she will henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls—fuck them!), be known as Clifford the Big Red Cock.
Since that went quickly, we had ANOTHER NAMING!
Just Brandon, who was thrown back last week, attended University of Minnesota, where he majored in psychology, and is now a writer for some publication for consumers. He’s a Freudian, and he doesn’t like electric shocks, but he loves his mother. Just Brandon lost her virginity at age 16 in his parents’ bedroom and has also gotten laid in the bathroom at Ulah Bistro on U Street. When he was 5 years old, he punched his great-grandfather, and intentionally dialed the wrong number to apologize. As a child, Just Brandon also busted a girl’s teeth. She is now on MSNBC. His high school nickname was “Felcher,” because he came in a girl and then ate her out. I do not think that word means what you think it means. Just Brandon was charged with felony vandalism for stealing signs when Minnesota won the Frozen Four. He doesn’t come from blow jobs and hasn’t gotten laid in 2 years; these facts might be related. He also taped and sold porn from junior high school through the middle of college.
Name suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
- Wood Chipper
- Indian Jizzer
- Cold Cock
- I’m Not Done, Bitch
- Cut Out Paper Bag
- Consume Her Abort
- Father Dowling’s Mystery
- Second Cumming
- Jiminy Dick-it
- Rusty Trombone
The pack settled on Rusty Trombone—second time’s the charm!
Both namings done, we proceeded to the original on-on-on, Phillips, only to find it was closed. But that didn’t stop us. Hashers are nothing if not resourceful, so we went next door to Jenny’s, drank more beer, and tried to get laid.
Damn, my quads still hurt from that trail,
Tits for Tots