Hares: Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, Brokeback Mama, Meals on Wheels, Rusty Trombone, and 8mm.
Brew Crew: I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just John, Robin, Jill, Brett, Kate, Dwyler, Dion, Marcus and Ben
Visitors: No visitors were stupid enough to run this trail
Analversaries: Marco Homo (Brew Crew Jersey), Uncle Tom’s Stabbin (17), Have Fun Storming the Asshole (17), Rusty Trombone (17) and A-Salt My Ass (69)
OnOnOn: The Ugly Mug

We circled up, performed the normal rituals and then the hares came into the middle to tell us how short, flat, dry and well laid this trail was.  They then proceeded to mess up our opening song “Hi, My Name is Joe.”  Apparently this song is so complicated for these hares that they can’t remember it, in spite of the fact that we sing it every week!

How the first section of trail was I can’t really say because I zenned most of it with a couple of other hashers that had spotted trail on their way to opening circle.  We picked up trail and eventually the FRBs from caught up to us and we rejoined the pack.  After running with the pack for less than a mile trail sort of just disappeared.  After some aimless wondering by the pack, the harerazor, Roll Over, Bitch!, informed us the shot check was supposed to be near the corrections center and that he was going to lead us there.  Many howls of “But that’s 14 blocks away!  Can’t you just lead us to beer check?” were heard from many members of the pack.

On our way to the corrections center not a single mark was seen… once we were there we didn’t see any shot check either.  RO,B! looked around confused claiming “Well, shot check was supposed to be here!”  While we didn’t see any shots we did find a check and proceeded to get back on trail.  Eventually we found the shot check (about a half a mile away) and the hares manning it blamed the lack of trail on some freak rain storm… I never saw any rain on trail… just sayin…

While there actually were marks to be found after the shot check, they really weren’t all that useful when it came to following the actual trail… For example at one point we were true-trailed into a BT, which you had to blow through in order to pick up trail again.  Yeah that made sense… In spite of everything most of the pack did actually make it to the beer check, although from the stories I heard I don’t think ANYONE (other than, maybe, the hares) accomplished this feat by actually following trail!

The trail from beer check to the end was less eventful. Of course I pretty much followed Presidential Nasty into the end who may or may not have actually been following trail, so what the fuck do I know?  Now onto the details:

Violations:

• The hares were bragging about how well laid the trail was during the opening circle.  None of these hares have laid ANYTHING well in their lives, this trail was no exception!
• Hair Cuntery wore matching shoes and shorts to the hash.  He even made up a song about it.  I’m sure he’ll have his own show on Bravo soon enough.
• Motor Mouth jumped Hair Cuntery for screaming “white flour!” Motor had no right to be offended because, as we all know, he isn’t really black.
• Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack got peed on by a dog at the beginning of trail.  In a completely unrelated violation Have Fun Storming the Asshole did a down-down for owning a gay dog that’s into watersports.
• People were questioning whether Double Ohhh, Positive was really a man after he had to urinate three times on the first half of walkers trail.
• Fecal Attraction was complaining that his ass was so sore he couldn’t sit down.  In another completely unrelated violation, FA’s girlfriend, Just Elyse, recently threw her back out and had an unlikely story about how she did it.  (Something about walking to work in sneakers…)
• The hares decided to “lay” a choose your own adventure trail.  I use “lay” in the loosest sense of the word here…
• Muff the Magic Dragon can’t tell if something is hard or soft.
• Eat Your Vegetables was wearing new shoes.  I’m sure they gave his down-down that little extra something.
• Put It Out was at Freddies last week complaining that his drink didn’t come with an umbrella, so the bartender made him a “purple pussy” (umbrella included).  No word on whether or not PIO got the bartenders phone number.

Then we had a special occasion… a naming! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Vicki went to school at James Madison University, home of the Dukes.  She was finance major who is currently unemployed.  (Upon hearing Just Vicki’s employment status the crowd cheered.)  Her favorite farmyard animal is the rabbit and her favorite sexual position is ‘reverse wheelbarrow.’  After some discussion within the circle it was determined that reverse wheelbarrow was a lot like regular wheelbarrow except that the girl is facing the ceiling instead of the floor.

When asked for an embarrassing sexual story Just Vicki told us about the time she burned her ass on the dryer while having a threesome with her roommate and some guy in the laundry room.  In another story her and a guy she was with were interrupted during sex when another couple walked in naked wanting to join them.  (According to Just Vicki this other couple was turned down.)  When someone in crowd asked how often she gets propositioned for group sex, Just Vicki replied “Isn’t that just another Monday?”

Just Vicki can’t read (go JMU!) and therefore doesn’t have any favorite authors.  She had no idea what the meanest thing she had ever done was either.  We did learn that she gave her first blow job at the age of 16 and that her current roommate is sleeping with a married guy.

The crowd came up with the following nominations for Just Vicki:

• Delecunt Cycle
• Cunt by Numbers
• Dry Fuck Only
• Downy Fresh
• Two Girls One Cycle
• Choo Choo
• Sit-n-Spin
• Minage a wash
• Poonmate Wanted
• Burn to be Wild

The laundry theme was strong and at the end Just Vicki was christened Swing Cycle in reference to her burned ass and her apparent commitment to a non-monogamous lifestyle.  We broke circle, went to ononon, drank and tried to get laid.   Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were.

Until next time…

On on,

Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe