EWH3 #579 – Blame Canada, Eastern Market
Hares: Red Vag of Courage, Gaystation, Sphincter Shy, Six Fags
Brew Crew: Snap Crackle Poop, Please Step Away from the Whores
Virgin: Just Jordan
Visitor: Korean Booty Snatcher (Transplant, Seoul H3)
In case you’ve been living under a rock, DC got hit by a Snowpocalypse. Snowmageddon, SnOMGasm, Snobama, whatever. Even mail delivery was suspended. But come rain, snow, sleet, hail, floods, or anything else, the hash still goes on. Suck it, post office. In honor of the snow, I wrote a little hash song. Sing it to the tune of “Jingle Bells.”
Hashing through the snow,
while the government’s closed all day,
over the hills you go,
humping all the way.
Drink it down,
drink it down,
drink it down down down…
And now back to the actual trail. Plan B was buried in snow, so we improvised: the pack left their bags in the home of a couple of the hares, our Oreho stocked his truck with snacks and cases of beer, and off we went. You might think that due to the weather, trail would be a short, easy little jaunt followed by a long night at the bar, but the hares had a different idea. We ran across the Capitol, to the Mall, and across the Mall, burrowing our way through 3 miles of chest-deep snowdrifts. OK, waist-deep on most people, but still. We would’ve iced the hares, but they pretty much iced themselves while laying the damn trail. Finally, the pack came back towards Eastern Market and hit the beer check, in an alley not far from the start.
The second half of trail was mercifully short loop. The pack circled a few blocks and after maybe a half mile, ended up in the alley behind the building where we started and circled up. Virgin down-downs went the way they usually do, but when our new transplant, Korean Booty Snatcher, got called in as a visitor, he didn’t know any songs or jokes and was too modest to show any body parts, so Cyrano de Private Snowball hid behind Korean Booty Snatcher and sang a song for him.
- Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me whined earlier about getting a lot of little pricks all over her face, even though that’s how she wakes up every morning.
- Just Ryan had the worst shotgun FAIL I’ve ever seen. Weak sauce.
- Korean Booty Snatcher ditched his car to join the hash when he saw the pack running, which is a commendation, not a violation.
- Mannipple Lickter, during the worst snowfall DC has ever seen, managed to get a sunburn.
- Gaystation packed snow around his junk in manner of an igloo. He later put his hands down his pants. Kid must really love shrinkage.
- Poke an Eye Out said she’s lonely but turned down Rear Protein Injection’s offer of fresh vegetables. She did, however, keep asking Cocky, “Do you want me?”
- Cocky said that MTV made an announcement that it will no longer be playing music videos at all, which means that Cocky still watches MTV.
- Saskatchewsnatch got confused and thought this was not the “Blame Canada” hash but the “BE Canada” hash.
- Wax on, Whacks Off abandoned the pack at Remington’s. He was later heard saying, “If I could find a snake, I’d eat it.”
- Obeastiologist confused Tits for Tots with Spit ‘N’ Spin. The pregnancy must be getting to his brain and making him confused.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock said he wanted to find out what it’s like to be fucked in the ass, as if he didn’t know already.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Tits for Tots took a cab to the start and was still late.
- Someone thought he saw Michael J Fox at the hash, but it turns out it was just Six Fags.
- Cocky was disappointed that the blizzard didn’t kill more people.
- Sphincter Shy swept trail with his ass.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock didn’t take advantage when a harriette presented right in front of him.
Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!
Just Ryan is from Albany, NY, and went to GW, where his nickname was “Sleazy-E,” because he’d hump any dog that moved. He now works in government relations at GW. Just Ryan’s favorite sexual position is doggy style, and his favorite Disney movie is “The Lion King.” The first time he had sex, he spent three months convinced that he’d gotten the girl pregnant. He’s since gotten over that trauma, hence the nickname. Just Ryan once came on a girl’s face in an alley before she even started to give him a blow job. On another occasion, a girl peed in his bed and he didn’t realize it for two months. He once hooked up with a girl named Shannon, and is now dating her roommate, who is also named Shannon. He has size 13 feet and both Shannons were disappointed to learn that the urban legend about that isn’t true. Just Ryan had his dick hanging out while riding the Metro and didn’t notice. He has worked for both Clintons and knows Marion Berry. Bitch set him up! Just Ryan also said he’s had AIDS twice, but got over it the first time.
Naming suggestions were:
- Money Well Spent
- Pink Line to Nowhere
- I Can See Your Zazu
- Marion Dingleberry
- Not So SmarTrip
- Bitch Got Me Off
- Magic Johnson
- Tragic Johnson
Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Ryan will be known as Magic Johnson.
Some hardy souls drank the rest of the hash beer, while anyone with any sense made their way to the bar, where it was warm, and tried to get laid. After all, it’s cold out there!
I can’t take snow more,
Tits for Tots