It was a hot sticky late summer day in DC. The wankers and wankettes circled up at Metro center to size up each other’s savvy ABC costumes. There was real fruit (get those grapes while you can ladies), beer boxes abounded, there were plenty of trusty aprons and trash bags to be seen, and some creative types even weaved their costumes out of ribbon.

We made a circle (not a square), met our virgins Justs: Rawleston, Kirsten, Lisa, Nicole, Tara, Ximon, Elissa, Ashley, and Sandra and sized up the junk of our visitors: Spuds and Texas Blow Hole.

We sang a song about Joe and were off to delight (so many people wearing Birthday decorations) and horrify (wait is that guy wearing Kyng condoms) the muggles of Metro DC while we followed the inconsistent markings of trail.

We ran until we found a shot, and then we found another shot, and then we found another shot and then we found the…… (wait for it) Beverage Check (huzzah)! We hung out in the pungent alley for a long time but we weren’t thirsty so who’s complaining! We waved goodbye to our walkers but wait they’re back again. Silly walkers – you have already been to this alley.  We waved goodbye to our walkers again and eventually the runners were off to continue the mission and it wouldn’t be ABC without one more shot check (thanks hares).

Eventually we ended up in an even smellier alley for ending circle. We met our favorite rapey van for more beverages thanks to Blow White and Rape & Spillage (you guys are all kinds of awesome). And our always fabulous Daisy Chain (check out those sexy coffee filters) wrangled the masses for End Circle. We said hello to our virgins again (are they still virgins at this point?) and waved to our visitors again (who were really into singing us songs – BOO). Then we got to my favorite part – violations:

• A commendation for Pulp Friction and Just Alan for wearing no undergarments under their very thin ABC costumes.
• Seasoned hashers Cum Dumpling, Red Vag of Courage, Whoroscope, Whiskey Business, and Bless Me Father for I have Rimmed all decided they were too cool for an ABC costumes. Silly wankers the pack wants to see you kids without your knickers on!
• Dial F, Just Simon, Kindergarten Cock, Carmen Sandiegho all like it in the kitchen – thanks for being up front about it.
• Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, despite popular opinion, is not the Burger King of the hash.
• Red, White and Poo (who is working on getting better at swallowing) complained that The Hares made beer check too long…. Um that’s not really a thing.
• Planet of the Rapes and Just Andrew showed up to hash with biohazard bags over their junk. It seemed like they were just in theme with the hash but really their doctor requires them to wear those bags out in public. Bed at your own risk!
• Cum Dumpling was wearing the same sweater he wears every week. Yes, you are very furry but that doesn’t count as a bear costume.
• The Hares wore their medieval madness costumes to trail.
• Virgin Just Lawrence (who doesn’t appear to have signed in or paid…who brought this virgin?) got “banana” juice all over his leg. Creative.

And the pack got rowdier. The crowd was itchin’ to get to the On-After but we had a very important occasion first – A NAMING. Just Kent is from the exotic Arlington, Virginia, works in real estate development, went to Virginia Tech and majored in finance (life of the party this guy). Just Kent once went out with a “consultant” who was really a young mother who worked at Hooters. He has lied about love to several ladies (this one is a keeper) and lost his special fruit (cherry) to an au pair named Cindy. The pack had a few ideas: The Fanny Nanny, Guten Slog Away, and Oh Tandem Balls. However, henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing (except those guys) Just Kent will be known as Wiener Shitzel.

Everyonebody was happy and we were on on on on to Recessions.

On-DoesAnyoneNeedSomeCondoms-On,

EWH3 Scribe

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang

PS. Seriously I have lots of condoms and will give them to you for free.

PPS. I also have lube.

PPPS. Did I mention they are free?

PPPPS. I have both condom sizes (white and black) available.

PPPPPS. They are not expired – promise.