EWH3 #568 – The Birthday Hash, Union Station
Hares: JAGQueen, Holy Tit!, Whistles while he Wanks, Watch Her Blow, Jiffy Lube, Nipple-less Cage, Transparent Ds, Monkey Piss, Peeking Duck
Brew Crew: Cum Dumpling, Mannipple Lickter
Virgins: Just Max, Andie, Robin, Quentin, Jill, Mary, and Jocelyn
Visitors: They were all smart and stayed the hell away from this trail.
Analversaries: 17 runs–Wee Willy Wanker, Slamda Slamda Slamda, Meat the Press, Whose Dick Is It Anyway?; 69 runs–Snap Crackle Poop; 100 runs–Red Vag of Courage
Ononon: My Brother’s Place
The hash was just like I like my men: really, really long, and 10 years old. Happy birthday, EWH3! After circling up in front of Union Station, the pack took off, heading in the general direction of the mall. We were all a little confused, because Holy Tit! was laying flour at the start as we ran along with him. Eventually, we made it to the Mall, ran out to the Washington Monument and back, and after about four miles, ended up FINALLY having our beer check under a freeway (I don’t have a car, I don’t know which one–395 maybe). Rumor has it that there was supposed to be a shot check on the first half of trail, but no one saw it.
The second half of trail was shorter than the first half, but, unfortunately not short enough. At the beginning of it, I asked Dumb Blonde how long second half of trail would be, because his wife was haring. His response was, “I don’t know; she’s at the bar.” He obviously married a very smart woman. About 6 miles later, we finally ended up in an alley behind the on-on-on. The pack circled up, and before the regular violations, Rear Protein Injection came out for some violations of his own, since it was his last week scribing ever. However, instead of actually violating anyone, he went off on a furious rant that had me wondering whether he was on steroids or possessed by Bloody Asshole. Yup, kids, this is your new GM.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock picked up a guy at a bar to “play skeeball” with. So that’s what the kids are calling it these days!
- JAG Queen started EWH3 in order to get laid. How’d that work out for him? Ten years later, he lives with a man and has a small dog with a pink leash.
- Blows a Tranny is even harder up than his roommate, JAG Queen. He’s so lonely, he entered into an open relationship with his car.
- Floral Sex complained that “it squeaks when it gets too wet.” Honey, there’s no such thing as too wet.
- Late Nite Drive Thru wore a GPS watch on the walkers’ trail.
- Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner carried something little with a prick on the end on trail…. and a small piece of chalk.
- The hares couldn’t remember how to lay trail after 10 years. They do say the memory is the first thing to go. It should be noted that they were not around to drink for this violation; they’d gone to the bar to get the early bird special and then went to bed.
- Peace O’Chum ran a 50-miler. Maybe we should rename her “Donnie the Retard.”
- Mellow Foreskin Cheese got chased and yelled at by the police for jaywalking. What, the cops didn’t have anything better to do?
- Just Max wore a neon yellow jacket, because the 149 other runners around him didn’t make him feel safe enough.
- Speaking of not feeling safe enough, Slumcock Anywhere decided condoms were insufficient and wrapped himself up in crime scene tape.
- Rear Protein Injection was overheard saying, “It’s too tight to fit it in,” which is the first time anyone’s ever heard him say that.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock made Just Barnaby do tricks to impress guys.
- Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack saw Slumcock Anywhere’s photos of models and said, “They’re not that hot.” Um, beggars can’t be choosers.
- Whoooooooores Closing had sore knees, not from trail, but from the night before.
- Pee Wee’s Little Adventure watched the Victoria’s Secret lingerie show while lifting weights. Shouldn’t he have been doing something else with his hands?
Violations from the Crowd:
- Tits for Tots put on high heels after the hash, which upgraded her from “midget” to “little person.”
- General’s Farm Animal tried to hail a cop car. Just because it has lights on it, doesn’t mean it’s a cab.
- Felon DeGeneres never chokes on it. That’s perfectly acceptable hash behavior!
- Hair Cuntery thinks he’s the Ginger Baron.
- Pittsburgh Kneeler didn’t need to wear her Ragnar Relay shirt to the hash; we already know that she tastes like bad decisions.
- Cum and Knock on My Back Door and Big Bend Over’s gay marriage was legalized. Congrats to the happy couple, and it’s about damn time!
- I Manual Cunt didn’t recognize the Tour de Chug jersey. Newbie!
- Wax On, Whacks Off got a chubby when JAG Queen dropped trou.
- Bone, Bone on the Range got engaged. Congratulations on deciding to sleep with the same person for the rest of your life!
- RPI: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock wanted to violate you, but he was afraid to make you angry again.
- Gaystation actually picked up girls on trail who were older than 14.
- RPI, angry bald guys stopped getting laid when Seinfeld went off the air.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock tried to use Just Barnaby to pick up girls, but instead only picked up I Manual Cunt.
Then it was time for a very special occasion, a DUAL NAMING!
Just Josh and Just Jeremy grew up and went to high school together in Michigan and then joined the Navy, which they’ve both since gotten out of. Just Josh pitches, and Just Jeremy catches. When they were 16, they and their girlfriends all had sex on the same bed. Just Josh wanted to touch Just Jeremy’s then-girlfriend’s boobs, and Just Jeremy was OK with that, but the girlfriend wouldn’t let him. Just Josh likes llamas and reverse cowgirl, whereas Just Jeremy prefers goats and doggy style. Just Jeremy got walked in on by his then-girlfriend’s dad while they and another chick were having a threesome in a hot tub. They kept going, of course. In contrast, Just Josh got walked in on by his friends while beating off to some of the 80G of porn that he has on his hard drive. Just Josh was also complaining loudly on trail about how he really wanted a blow job; he’s about to ship out to Afghanistan, and his girlfriend has been out of town for a long time. Girlfriend, what girlfriend? I’m sure lots of harriettes would’ve been happy to oblige.
Naming suggestions for Just Josh were:
- Explosive Cum Disposal
- Thomas the Wank Engine
- Chick-Chick-Chick Boom
- Sprinkler System
- Dick-Dick-Dick Boom
Naming suggestions for Just Jeremy were:
- Long Odds
- Remote Detonation
Finally, someone remembered that this was a dual naming, and thus Just Josh and Just Jeremy became, respectively, I’ll Paca and And I’ll Push Back.
Two namings done, we drank all the rest of the beer, went to the bar and tried to get laid. Except for the hares, who were all out of Viagra.
So long and thanks for all the fish,
Tits for Tots
Outgoing and Incumming EWH3 Scribe