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EWH3 #545 – The Jorts Association of Arlington Hash, Pentagon City

Hares:  Cum and Knock on my Back Door, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, Silly Gay Virus, Put It Out (aka Father Time)

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Marco Homo

Virgins:  Just: Adrian, Amanda B, Amanda J, Chris, David, Derek, Heidi, Jacob, Jamie, Jason, Jennifer F, Jennifer T, Jillian, Kelly, Laura, Mai, Megan, Melinda, Michael, Partin, Tony, Trevor, William

Visitors:  Tiger Woody (Azerbaijan H3), Beaker Stroker, Just Timothy Silly

Analversaries:  Dyke Tyson—69 hashes

Ononon:  Tortoise and Hare

The pack gathered in a field just past Pentagon City Mall, after getting in on the pickup soccer games going on.  We were all supposed to wear jorts, but since someone didn’t mention in the trail news that there was a theme, pretty much the only people wearing jorts were the hares, so they looked even gayer than usual.  We proceeded on a long, circuitous route through Arlington.  I would tell you about the trail, but I can’t tell you.  That part of Arlington around Pentagon City, Crystal City, and points slightly south all looks the same to me—too many gray office buildings with high walls.  It was basically, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, and so on.  That is, until we came right back to Pentagon City Mall, and had to go through it and come out the other side.  Some people may have gone in through the Metro or the Nordstrom entrance, but a few of us decided to run through the Ritz-Carlton.  All the miles of running on and through hot, grey concrete were worth it just to feel that sweet, sweet air conditioning in the hotel and mall, and to see the looks on the hotel guests’ faces as we thundered by.  Scaring rich people is my favorite hobby, don’t ya know.  Not long after that, we found ourselves at the first beer check, in a secluded grassy area.

 We took off rather quickly, ran up and down some hills, until we got to the base of a long, steep hill, which most people would normally walk up.  However, there was a pretty good incentive to run:  Jello shots.  And no wimpy vodka jello shots on this trail; nope, these jello shots were made with bourbon.  Tasty, tasty bourbon.  WIN.  All liquored up, we made our way to a big house in South Arlington, home of three of the hares, where we had yet another beer check.  This beer check didn’t just have beer—it had a slip ‘n’ slide.   Best. Trail. Ever.  (Well, best trail that doesn’t involve Marion Barry, anyway.)  After many many turns on the slip ‘n’ slide, the pack, soaking wet and covered in baby oil, headed back north towards Crystal City, past 395, and to the on-in, under some railroad tracks to drink again, some more. 

 Violations:

  • Roll Over, Bitch! forgot to mention the jorts theme, thus missing an opportunity to ogle dozens harriettes in Daisy Dukes.  You’re doing it wrong.
  • The hares only took a 10-minute head start because they wanted to get their pants pulled down.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock was wearing a pair of jorts made from what I’m pretty sure is the exact same pair of Guess? jeans that I had when I was in 8th grade.  In his case, it means Guess which gender he is, when you look at him from behind.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler and Dr. Boner were both wearing new drinking vessels.  Pittsburgh Kneeler’s were so new, she bought them en route to trail.
  • While some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, Kandy Panties wore his sleeve on his head.
  • Doesn’t Pull Out and I Manual Cunt 69’d each other on the slip ‘n’ slide.  No wonder EWH3 is the gayest hash ever.
  • Michael J. Fucks refused to do Jello shots on the grounds that they’re “not [her] style.”  Come on, you know you can find your inner sorwhority girl.
  • Double Ohh Positive was talking religion and politics on trail: While most people wouldn’t turn down oral in the Oval Office, he’d prefer Oral Roberts.
  • Gaystation took the red shot and exclaimed, “This tatsts like my Dad!”  Incest is best, it’s a game the whole family can play!
  • Just Stephanie complained that she got too much head.  How can there possibly be such a thing?
  • Just Brittany tried to auto-hash by humping the hood of a van.  You’re doing it wrong, but at least you’re doing it entertainingly.
  • Fat Friends in Wet Places stole Unobtainium’s shirt.  Isn’t it cute when couples wear each other’s clothing?
  • Piss on Me lost his bitch to a walker.  Sometimes, ladies like when guys move slow.
  • Cute Lesbian in Training continued her training by eating Cunt of the Litter’s cream.

 Violations from the Crowd:

  • CLIT only got to second base on the slip ‘n’ slide.
  • Motormouth tried to get some harriettes to grab onto his “branch” while going through shiggy.  Sorry, dude, you’re not black enough to convincingly pull that off.
  • Assflac complained that Wax On, Whacks Off hadn’t brought enough women into opening circle for “Hi, My Name Is Joe.”  WOWO pulled him in, resulting in a circle that may not have been filled with women but was filled with bitched
  • PeeWee’s Little Adventure got kicked out of a beer garden in Germany for wearing the poor man’s lederhosen. 
  • Tits for Tots “saved the best for herself.”  Well, OF COURSE I do.  There are a lot of attractive harriettes out there. A girl’s gotta hold her own somehow.
  • Edgar Allan Ho didn’t want to get wet.
  • To the contrary, she did want to get wet, just not by Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock.
  • Whore Crimes must not be doing his job, if Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock has to offer to get Edgar Allan Ho wet.
  • Peace O’Chum  was all raceist and ran the Pike’s Peak Marathon.
  • Ass Spelunker  was a different kind of raceist; he won the Beer Mile.

Then we had a NAMING!

Just Kate hails from Oakland, CA, and attended Georgetown University, where she studied Middle East history.  She currently raises funds for the American Geophysical Foundation, but is about to start a new job as an administrative contractor at the Pentagon.  Just Kate lost her virginity at age 16 in her bedroom, to her high school boyfriend.  She has since had sex in a yellow Volkswagen Beetle with a flower on the dashboard, been caught shagging by US Park Police, who told her then-paramour to “give her four walls and a roof,” and turned multiple boyfriends gay.  Just Kate likes it rough, and her favorite position is something called, “ankles to ears.”  She is currently dating Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, so expect him to come out of the closet imminently.

 Someone suggested “High Noon,” which didn’t receive all that enthusiastic of a reception, but then another wanker nominated Ankles Away, and the crowd went so wild, we didn’t need to hear any more.  Game over!

That naming went so quickly that we were going to name another Just, but he’d disappeared, so we went to the on-on-on, drank more beer, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid… which, come to think of it, may not go so well with karaoke. 

On-slip-n-slide-on,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe