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EWH3# 798: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Hash (Bringing Mutant Back) Trail!

When: 6:45 PM Thursday November 21, 2013.  Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Bethesda Metro (Red Line). Follow marks to the start!

Hares: PlanetOfTheRapes, PutItOut, TuckTuckDeuce, JustAndrew and Miss Me Gag Me

Miscellaneous Crap: Live A to A’ trail through the hills and dales of wild Bethesda MD.

Weather: A tid nipply

On On On: Union Jack

 The masses began slowly gathering around the same Bat Time in the same Bat Place… wait, wrong comic.  Above the sewers of Bethesda, various green and wannabe green mutants and radioactive waste rejects assembled for a sad, yet entertaining evening of vigilante shenanigans.  The cold ensured Plan-B’s cupeth overfloweth with hasher junk as Hungry, Hungry Homo warmed up the crowd and introduced the virgin sacrifices of the evening: Justs – Ian, Karen, Davis,  Jamie, Awais, Mike, Amber, Natasha, Will, Jaclyn, Michelle, Rachel, and Ashley.  After a brief moment of excitement when Cum Dumpling thought he heard shots fired and selflessly threw himself (along with half a dozen other hashers) upon Hungry, we welcomed the visitors: Puking Cougar and Forget Me Not and a transplant: Anal Blouse. Then Miss Me Gag Me, championing the rights of female ninja turtles everywhere, led the pack in a song and dance about pushing buttons in a sewer. Then the pack got off…er, took off.

The mutant hares led the pack all around the dangerous city streets of Bethesda, ultimately re-joining the group with Plan-B in the parking lot of what appeared to be an elementary school, but was later revealed to be a community center.  After a few refreshments and several failed attempts at Kung Foo Fisting, the pack was off again.  In the end, the heroic mutant hares shared their favorite turtle food (pizza!) with the rest of the pack only to be slightly outdone by the Ore-ho who showered the pack with mountains of Girl Scout cookies on the food table.

Hell’s Anal debuted as the stunt RA for the evening and circled up the PACK. She started off by violating the hares PlanetOfTheRapes, PutItOut, TuckTuckDeuce, JustAndrew and Miss Me Gag Me for being the only mutant ninja turtle hares to lay a trail without a single jog through a sewer. She then reintroduced the virgins and the visitors. The Jubilee, Bless Me Father for I Have Rimmed had a few things surprises for the people that cum to hash way too much, particularly Roll Over, Bitch who celebrated his 300th run.  Jew with a dragon tattoo, Batter Up, Wiener Shitzel, U Ass Ass Ow, Fail Her Poon, and Muppet Rapies received their necklaces for Cuming 17 times. Wankers!!!

Then it was time for Violations!!!

Eat Your Vegetables and another guy wearing the exact same neon orange shoes, were violated for just that.

4 Whores and 7 Rears Ago and Cum Dumpling were flogged for wearing racist paraphernalia.

Rape and Spillage noticed he was being an asshole to traffic and “didn’t know why”.

Dildo Shaggins was caught wearing socks as mittens, mittens as panties, and condoms for socks (foot fetish maybe??).

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang, possibly for the first time EVER, found herself at a loss of what to do with a group of young, impressionable virgins.

Pinnochi-Ho was caught trying to lead the pack in the wrong direction, out of spite for the fact that there was never a Ginger Ninja Turtle.

Just Chelsea showed dedication to the hash, by not only solving a very special check on trail, but showering the FRBs with dollar bills as she did it.  It was politely pointed out the she apparently had no idea how the male species worked.

Just Will was overheard saying creepy things to another female hasher, whilst attempting to cut his own cargo pants off, to reveal his new Kanye West brand leather jogging pants underneath.

Forget Me Not was attempting to throw his best line down to some young female hashers on trail, only to actually throw himself down on the pavement instead.

Just Ian betrayed his diet and Father Atkins by raping an entire table of Girl Scout… Cookies at end circle.

Not So Gay decided that it was a good idea to lather himself in coconut oil and hit the tanning beds right before the hash.

Rape and Spillage realized he had encountered a potential victim (Infidellatio) who could actually outrun him.

Planet of the Rapes laid down potentially the best pickup line at the hash, soliciting fellatio from a female hasher, in the guise of a snake bite to the penis.  Ultimately he confessed to a failed attempt at getting busy with a bitey reptile.

Hell’s Anal then led the auspicious naming of Just Allen, who is now known as Pee Willy, and then proceeded to make sure that everyone was in fact, happy.  The pack then proceeded to Union Jack for a fairly impressive Turtle Power Hour.

 On- Cowabunga!!! –On

EWH3 Stunt Scribe

Kindergarten Cock

EWH3# 554 – Bethesda

Hares- Unobtainium, Obeastiologist, Bitch on Bitch on Bitch, I Manual Cunt, and Swing Cycle who may or may not be Just Vicki…oh wait…

Brew Crew- Sphincter Shy, The Udder Ho

Virgins- Just: Alex, Melanie, Steve, Brad, Nick, Michael, Sharon, Curt (really?), Vito (really?!?), Charles

Vistors- Present.

Ononon- Tommy Joes

The pack circled at a lot a few blocks away from the Bethesda Metro. It being the rave hash, thee abundance of glowstick snapping and strategic placing helped liven up the usual conversations of, “Hey, why the fcuk are we in Bethesda?”

We ran amongst playgrounds (which was surprising how many hashers were able to go within 100 feet), couples on dates eating dinner on patios, and, of course, dark trails. Apparently the hares recommended we bring headlamps, but, just like the Ballbuster, no one can really be sure- so blame your scrapes and crushed ankles on them.

At one point FRBs claimed to hear Obeastiologist giggling somewhere in the woods, laughing as they took a wrong turn. He denies this, but that’s mostly because he does not want to give away his secret of how he can hide his creepily lanky frame in the brush.

The beer check had beer. And we drank it- cautiously, as the hares warned us of a “real second half.” So by real they meant tunnels and hashers busting ass. Headlamps! Of course, no EWH3 tunnel experience is complete without the masses trying to skip it- congratulations, you know who you are! I hope humping your way under that fence was worth it.

Eventually we ended up atop a parking garage for the circle. Don’t ask me where, but I bet it was somewhere near the Bethesda Metro.

Violations: 

 

  • While running in the woods, Edgar Allan Ho exclaimed “ Oh! Last time I was here I got hit in the eye and it really hurt!” Hmm, by whom?
  • Forever Virgin gave us too much information about his morning shower on trail when he described how “it gets harder when it gets wet.”
  • Sphincter Shy ran up to me breathless, ready to violate, only to tell me that he wanted to violate “that person with the bag.”
  • Lube Me Up, Scotty was that person with the bag. Her bag weighed forty pounds and was about 4 feet long- obvious midget size, which only troubled the pack as they had to watch where they stepped the rest of the night (and no, I’m not referring to a certain “dog”).
  • Speaking of “dogs,” Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was called out for Red Dress Weekend when he played footsies with Cock-a-doodle-do-me in a hottub. Twinkle, just because you have the mustache does not mean you have to actually act like a creepy rapist.
  • Cum Dumpling, Obeastiologist, and Chicken Fucker were given a life violation for speaking about Dungeons and Dragons in a social setting. Come on guys, really?
  • Cock-a-doodle-do-me and Cock Your Suck I Will approached me at the beer check for a violation. “We’re going to violate each other,” they told me, as I walked away conscious of wearing gym shorts.
  • Unobtanium showed his lingering Daddy-issues with his Papa Roach inspired haircut. Listen buddy, just because the salon offered a free dye session does not mean you have to take it.
  • Mannipple Lickter actually knew the names of many salons for that violation, so we threw him in as well.
  • Rear Protein Injection decided to spoil the surprise and come in his Boy George Halloween costume a week early.

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Seriously, I was supposed to write these down? One does come to mind though, when Hare Cuntery violated I Manual Cunt for his sweet shirt that was ribbed for her pleasure.
  • Also, I, Cum and Knock on My Back Door, was violated for impersonating Al Borland from Tool Time.
  • Roll, Over, Bitch! saw Tits for Tots by yelling out, “Hey, small Tits!”  If you know her, you know that is not a proper way to greet her. 

 

Then we had ourselves a naming! Oh wait…the cops came. Sorry Just Sharon, your time will cum again, and like most hashers, it will come quickly.

On-on,

Cum and Knock on my Back Door

EWH3 Stunt Scribe