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EWH3# 852: The Choose Your Own Adventure/RDR Pre-Lube Trail!- 6:45 PM Thursday, October 9th,  Deanwood Metro (Ballbuster- Orange Line) and Eastern Market Metro (Regular- Orange/Blue/Silver Line)

 

When:  BALLBUSTER: Thursday October 2nd, 2014.  Meet at 5:30, Pack away at 6PM SHARP!

REGULAR: Thursday, October 9th, 2014.  Meet at 6:45, pack away at 7:15!

WhereBALLBUSTER: Deanwood Metro (Orange Line)-follow marks to start!
               REGULAR: Eastern Market (Orange/Blue/Silver Line)- follow marks to the start!

Hares: BALLBUSTER: St. Pauli’s Girl, Whisky Business, Big Bang, Blows a Tranny and RPI
                REGULAR: Sphincter Shy. Whoregon Trail, Red Vag of Courage, Six Pigs and mystery hares.

Weather: PERFECT. I guess the RAs are good for something!

Miscellaneous Crap: SO. MANY. PEOPLE.

On On On: Phase 1!

Virgins: Just Mij, Just Nik, Just Nicole, Just John, Just Pablo, Just Melissa, Just Lauren, Just Kelsie, Just Brendan, Just MJ

Visitors: 5 O’Twat Shadow (Tidewater H3), Chew Toy (Voodoo H3), Cock Ness Monster (Voodoo H3), Deer Near (SOH4/Utica BTN H3), Dickie Wong (Voodoo H3), Dirty Virgin (Cape Fear/Carolina Trash H3), Duck Duck Oops (Skull and Boners H3), Extra Virgin Anal Oil (JustMaddy H3), F.A.R.T. (NYCH3/GGFM), Free 2 Lay (H5), Hand 2 Hand Cumbat (Hariettes for Healthy Hooters/DCRW), I Am What I Eat (Heidelberg H3), Imagine My Erection (Voodoo H3), Motherload (Crescent Shiggy/Voodoo H3), One Trick Dick (Utica BTN H3/SOH4), Penis Colada (NOH3), Penis Fly Trap (Skull and Boners H3), PhWedgie (H5), Slam Bam Thank You Lamb (Voodoo H3), Starship InHerThighs (CKH3), Stinkfinger (Oregon H3), Texticle Teaser (Voodoo H3), Wet Spots (Oregon H3), Straight In the Navy, Barefoot Youngdung (ABQH3), High Speed Cock Bumper (Tidewater H3), Pom Pilot (SOH4), Anatomically Incorrect Ken (Alamogordo H3), Wieners Out (Madison H3), Vanilla Is a Flavor Too (Carolina Trash), Ooh That Smell (Carolina Trash), And They’re Off… On My Face (Carolina Trash), Drunk Neighbor (Tidewater H3), Gag ‘Em Style (CUNT)

 

See? I told you there were a f%=k ton of people. Circle was so noisy, I lost my voice for a week. Blows a Tranny has never been happier. 

Oh yeah, and we had some VIOLATIONS!!!!!!

 

Before trail began, All Flash No Drive gave me some words of wisdom. She said, and I quote, “all you gotta do is hang in there, make it short and make it naughty!” Excellent advice, AFND!

(Isn’t this the weirdest gif? I mean, is she naughty Pinocchio? Adding that to my “Halloween costumes to consider” list…)

You Sucked My Battle Dick was heard comparing her vagina to a Ferris wheel. Because there’s lots of riders, but she still takes you to new heights every time!

(Boys be like “no way am I waiting in line, it’s my turn next!”)

Jew Cock A lived up to his namesake when he was approached by little kids who immediately pointed at him and screamed, “wow he’s hairy!” 

As Christina Aguilera once said, “you’re beautiful, no matter what they say.” So you do you, Jew Cock A. You do you.

Muppet Rapies came into beer check late because, quote, “I got lost in a bush and couldn’t find my way out!” In my mind she looked something like this:

Uncle Bad Touch was asking for jewelry and a wig for red dress because his dress “just doesn’t have enough flair.” The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, UBT. 

Mouth Full of Clam confused chlorophyll with chloroform. Yikes.
And finally… the NAMING!!!!
 Just Lucy is a neuroscientist, went to Oxford, and wants to have sex with Speedy Gonzales. She swiped her V card at 17 on a boat (with T-Pain, naturally), and then her parents walked in! She pooped and peed her pants at 7000 feet before jumping out of an airplane to escape from a man she had just copulated with. Rife with interesting stories, the names were thrown around pretty early for Just Lucy. The crowd favorites were The British are Cumming, Rip Whored, Parapooper, and God Save the Peeing. The crowd voted, and henceforth and forevermore, Just Lucy will be known as God Save the Peeing!
On- just thinking about red dress weekend makes me nauseous- on,Mr. hEd

Where: Eastern Market Metro

When: March 14, 2013

Hares: Compost Pile, Poop Been-a-Dick, Dr. TooLittle, Cocktologist, Fire Drill and St. Pauli’s Girl.

All of our GREEN clothing confused the muggles but what can we say us hashers are early adopters. It was still bright and semi-sunny when we circled up (yay daylight savings time) so we could all admire the SO much green. Our lovely GM Colliteral Damage was our trustee head leprechaun for the evening and lucky for you we had so many virgins to help us find gold at the end of the night or rainb(l)ow.

Our Virgins were Justs: Stephanie, Mark, Sean, Charles, Felipe, Jacob, Sami, Casey, Molly, Alexandra, and Ben.

Just James from the Seattle Rain City Hash House Harriers also joined us. Those Seattle wankers need to get around to naming this guy! They are lucky we didn’t name him Seattle Sucks.

We sang to our virgins, we sang to our visitor and we sang about our second favorite guy named Joe and we were off. As promised the trail was short, dog-friendly and drunk. The hares were gracious enough to provide the pack with three shot checks (we needed to train our livers for St. Patrick’s Day)… although some shots were better than others (strange pudding gelatin anyone?).

Post trail we met up with our favorite white van (Plan B for everyone) and enjoyed beverages thanks to Jag Queen and Corndog Millionaire. Our head Shamrock pusher Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me was the RA for the evening and our visitor, Just James, showed us his lucky charm. Then we moved onto violations:

Motor Mouth loudly (is there any other way) proclaimed that it was not too cold. However, he was wearing four shirts. Upon hearing his violation he started removing layers….. Luckily he kept on his hash robe.
Poop Been-a-Dick was concerned that the hares brought too much alcohol to trail. Not only did the hares run out of shots on trail – there is no such thing as too much of the right beverage for hashers!
Mr. hEd was bragging on the facebook that she is an *Escort* for the Easter Egg Roll.
Dr. TooMuchGreenHair got lost on her own trail while she was holding the map. #harefail
Pulp Friction complained that he couldn’t get the second shot into his mouth (whatever happen to all over your face?).
Mr. hEd shared that she wanted to *plow* all of the people (basically half the pack) who ran into traffic. Acceptable hash behavior? (the plowing not the running into traffic).
Just James announced that he didn’t want to get *that* drunk on trail. (You know you are at a hash, right?)
The Man in the Giant Leprechaun hat not only invited the men with big guns to come run with us… you complained that your hat was so tight that you could barely think. I’m sure your *hat* is the problem. ☺
• BFFs Choke and Gag Her and One-if-by-Man and Two-if-by-She called each other the day before hash to be sure to wear their matching green tutus to hash. Because OMG green tutus are *so* cute (no I’m not joking…and also I heart glitter).
Benin Pulled-Out was trying to hit on the men with big guns. Remember size isn’t *everything!*
The Hares were violated for that Carbomination of an Irish Car Bomb shot.

There were violations from the crowd and then we had a *very* special occasion….. (you guessed it kids) a NAMING! Just Dan went to Penn state, likes lil’ kids, works at Capital One bank, loves Toy Story and would like to bang Louis Griffin. He once shart his pants on the way home from WIE and has been known to pee in a Gatorade bottle or two. Just Dan once had a girlfriend that made him a wonderful pillow as a token of her affections (hold that thought). And speaking of urination…. after a fun night of partying and drunken sex he woke up and blackout peed on said homemade pillow in front of his horrified girlfriend. Just Dan had no memory of the pee pillow incident but a few hours later he woke up to the crying laments of his girlfriend. So henceforth and fore-evermore throughout the world of hashing (except those guys) Just Dan will be known as Rape and Spillage.

Everyone was happy and we dance and jigged all the way to Molly Malone’s where they embraced our premature celebration of drinking and the color green. Also there were car-bomb shots and tequila shots. And a good weekend warm-up was had by all.

On-LuckyCharmsareMagicallyDelicious-On,

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang
EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #579 – Blame Canada, Eastern Market

HaresRed Vag of Courage, Gaystation, Sphincter Shy, Six Fags

Brew Crew:  Snap Crackle Poop, Please Step Away from the Whores

Virgin:  Just Jordan

Visitor:  Korean Booty Snatcher (Transplant, Seoul H3)

Ononon:  Tunnicliff’s

In case you’ve been living under a rock, DC got hit by a Snowpocalypse.  Snowmageddon, SnOMGasm, Snobama, whatever.  Even mail delivery was suspended.  But come rain, snow, sleet, hail, floods, or anything else, the hash still goes on.  Suck it, post office.  In honor of the snow, I wrote a little hash song.  Sing it to the tune of “Jingle Bells.”

Hashing through the snow,

while the government’s closed all day,

over the hills you go,

humping all the way.

Drink it down,

drink it down,

drink it down down down…

And now back to the actual trail.  Plan B was buried in snow, so we improvised:  the pack left their bags in the home of a couple of the hares, our Oreho stocked his truck with snacks and cases of beer, and off we went.  You might think that due to the weather, trail would be a short, easy little jaunt followed by a long night at the bar, but the hares had a different idea.  We ran across the Capitol, to the Mall, and across the Mall, burrowing our way through 3 miles of chest-deep snowdrifts.  OK, waist-deep on most people, but still.  We would’ve iced the hares, but they pretty much iced themselves while laying the damn trail.  Finally, the pack came back towards Eastern Market and hit the beer check, in an alley not far from the start.

The second half of trail was mercifully short loop.  The pack circled a few blocks and after maybe a half mile, ended up in the alley behind the building where we started and circled up.  Virgin down-downs went the way they usually do, but when our new transplant, Korean Booty Snatcher, got called in as a visitor, he didn’t know any songs or jokes and was too modest to show any body parts, so Cyrano de Private Snowball hid behind Korean Booty Snatcher and sang a song for him.

Violations:

  • Cock-a-Doodle-do-Me whined earlier about getting a lot of little pricks all over her face, even though that’s how she wakes up every morning.
  • Just Ryan had the worst shotgun FAIL I’ve ever seen.  Weak sauce.
  • Korean Booty Snatcher ditched his car to join the hash when he saw the pack running, which is a commendation, not a violation.
  • Mannipple Lickter, during the worst snowfall DC has ever seen, managed to get a sunburn.
  • Gaystation packed snow around his junk in manner of an igloo. He later put his hands down his pants.  Kid must really love shrinkage.  
  • Poke an Eye Out said she’s lonely but turned down Rear Protein Injection’s offer of fresh vegetables.  She did, however, keep asking Cocky, “Do you want me?”
  • Cocky said that MTV made an announcement that it will no longer be playing music videos at all, which means that Cocky still watches MTV.
  • Saskatchewsnatch got confused and thought this was not the “Blame Canada” hash but the “BE Canada” hash.
  • Wax on, Whacks Off abandoned the pack at Remington’s.  He was later heard saying, “If I could find a snake, I’d eat it.”
  • Obeastiologist confused Tits for Tots with Spit ‘N’ Spin.  The pregnancy must be getting to his brain and making him confused.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock said he wanted to find out what it’s like to be fucked in the ass, as if he didn’t know already.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Tits for Tots took a cab to the start and was still late.
  • Someone thought he saw Michael J Fox at the hash, but it turns out it was just Six Fags.
  • Cocky was disappointed that the blizzard didn’t kill more people.
  • Sphincter Shy swept trail with his ass.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock didn’t take advantage when a harriette presented right in front of him.

Then it was time for a very regular occasion, a NAMING!

Just Ryan is from Albany, NY, and went to GW, where his nickname was “Sleazy-E,” because he’d hump any dog that moved.  He now works in government relations at GW.  Just Ryan’s favorite sexual position is doggy style, and his favorite Disney movie is “The Lion King.”  The first time he had sex, he spent three months convinced that he’d gotten the girl pregnant.  He’s since gotten over that trauma, hence the nickname.  Just Ryan once came on a girl’s face in an alley before she even started to give him a blow job.  On another occasion, a girl peed in his bed and he didn’t realize it for two months.  He once hooked up with a girl named Shannon, and is now dating her roommate, who is also named Shannon.  He has size 13 feet and both Shannons were disappointed to learn that the urban legend about that isn’t true.  Just Ryan had his dick hanging out while riding the Metro and didn’t notice.  He has worked for both Clintons and knows Marion Berry.  Bitch set him up!  Just Ryan also said he’s had AIDS twice, but got over it the first time.

Naming suggestions were:

  • Money Well Spent
  • Pink Line to Nowhere
  • I Can See Your Zazu
  • Bucocky
  • Marion Dingleberry
  • Not So SmarTrip
  • Bitch Got Me Off
  • Magic Johnson

and

  • Tragic Johnson

Henceforth and forevermore, throughout the world of hashing (except Great Falls–fuck them!), Just Ryan will be known as Magic Johnson.

Some hardy souls drank the rest of the hash beer, while anyone with any sense made their way to the bar, where it was warm, and tried to get laid.  After all, it’s cold out there!

I can’t take snow more,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Cum Dumpling, Low Press’her Front, Kandy Panties, Just Nikki and our very speshul mystery hare Poop Weiner
Brew Crew:
Saskatchewsnatch and I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just Caitlin, Amanda, Max, Todd, Brad, Ron, Andy, Rebeca, Rob, Katie, Brian and Peter

Visitors:
 Poop Weiner (SHHH), Fire Pants Alec and Just Anna
Analversaries:
Silly Gay Virus (17)
OnOnOn:
The Ugly Mug


We gathered outside of the Eastern Market Metro station during what had been a beautiful day.  The hares were sent off, the virgins were educated about trail marks and we circled up for our normal opening shenanigans.  We had a replacement RA this evening: Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me.  She apparently has zero pull with the hash gods because as soon as we started opening circle the skies opened up and there was a downpour so heavy would have given Noah cause for alarm. 

The pack was off on a “trail” that was completely washed away.  Literally there was not a single mark to be found.  This fact didn’t stop Hair Cuntery from continuously yelling “On-On” and leading the entire pack on a “trail” of his own devising.  Where was the sweeper hair?  Who the fuck knows?  Following Hair Cuntery into unknown does not exactly fill you with a sense of confidence, but apparently there was a method to the madness, after about three miles of r*cism the pack did find the beer check. (That method being running around the neighborhood going through every plausible beer check location.)

By the time we got to beer check the rain had abated and it was actually possible to lay trail.  The hares were off and the pack followed after consuming some tasty beverages.  Maybe three quarters of a mile into the second half of trail the hares popped out of hiding and tried to pelt the FRBs, and the pack, with flour.  Unfortunately they neglected to actually send anyone ahead of this ambush point to lay the rest of trail… so now the pack was actually in front of the hares… I have no idea how they thought this would work out well.  I ended up walking the rest of trail because there wasn’t any point in running it.

We got to the end, which was the same location as the beer check.  Another excellent choice of strategy by the hares… We had circle and proceeded to get rained on in spite of the fact that the skies over head were basically clear of clouds… Cocky, sacrifice your virginity already!!!  Clearly the hash gods are not happy with you protecting it.

Now on to the details:

Violations:

  • Slumcock Anywhere was “working” from home and had decided to pass the time by having a beer and watching some inter-net porn, unfortunately his favorite porn site was down and he decided to do actual work instead.
  • The Hares did down-downs for not anticipating the weather and laying their accordingly… Low Pressure Front is a meteorologist for Christ sakes!  (FYI- a ‘meteorologist’ is someone who predicts the weather.)
  • Do Me Howser bought the cow, having just married Tupperware.  It was noted that Tupperware has been barely seen at the hash since snaring a man.
  • Fucks Up Dock? Was complaining that she had a drippy snatch.  She assured me that we had nothing to worry about as she was taking something for it…
  • Just Nikki covered herself in orange flour.  She drank for trying to impersonate an “orange” girl with a bad fake tan.
  • Just Tara asked if we hashed during the winter.  Next she’ll be asking if we hash during national holidays and natural disasters.
  • The notorious FRBs Sphincter Shy and Cock Your Suck I Will were trying find trail even though the were AHEAD of the hares.
  • The hares did down downs for their excellent “stragery” in sending no one ahead to actually lay trail when they decided to ambush the pack.
  • Obeastiologist was talking about “fartlicking” on trail.  Whether he was being a r*cist or just gross doesn’t matter.  He deserved his down down.
  • Roll Over Bitch! was violated for abusing his position as Harerazer by using the hareline to pimp out his resume.
  • Eat Your Vegetables was commended for managing to appear popular during at least one hash.
  • Canned Pussy, #2, Just Nick and Fuxedo all managed to show up to beer check completely dry.  Something wasn’t kosher there!
  • Hair Cuntery was violated for creating his own 5K in place of the first half of trail.
  • ChippenFails had a flower growing out of his ass… apparently sperm is a good fertilizer.


Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING!  (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Nick who had been thrown back the week before was brought into the circle for second shot at getting a name that didn’t suck.  During round two of the interrogation we learned the following about Just Nick:

  • Graduated from the Naval Academy and is a Navy pilot
  • His squadron is the Bulldogs and his call sign is Stewie
  • Lost his virginity at 18 in the living room of his girlfriends house
  • The meanest thing he ever did to someone was drop a bomb on the wrong house.
  • The meanest thing he ever did to an American was punch a girl in the stomach
  • His favorite barnyard animal is a goat
  • His favorite TV shows are CNN and Man vs. Wild

Edgar Allan Ho who has the (mis)fortune of sleeping with Just Nick these days had a story about the night they first met.  It was after a hash and EAH and Just Nick met at the ononon.  They left for metro together and while on metro they made a little and Just Nick tried to get EAH to go down on him, which she didn’t do.  Before they needed to switch trains he tried to get her to come home with him, which she also refused to do.  Of course a little later that night he called her claiming to have missed his train, and she picked him up and brought him home that night anyway.  (Apparently EAH is pretty gullible…)

Armed with this information the crowd came up with the following names for Just Nick:

  • Bait-n-Switch
  • Police Blowtality
  • Rail Rider
  • No Means Anal
  • Last Train to Poleland
  • Slobber on My Cock You Bitch
  • Ass Wide Shut
  • Ho She Chin Trail


None of these names quite had the cache of Whore Crimes however.  Goodbye Just Nick, hello Whore Crimes.

Then we had a very special occasion (for realz)… a SECOND NAMING!

The crowds lust for namings not sated with Just Nick (err Whore Crimes) Just Judy was dragged into the circle.  Just Judy went to American University whose mascot is the Bald Eagle.  Her hobbies include hashing, hashing and hashing.  (NO idea what Just Judy did with her time before discovering hashing.)  She works as a restaurant hostess.  (Philosophy major in college?)  She grew up in Puerto Rico and went to an all girls catholic high school.

She lost her virginity in college and swallows after a blow job.  She was a good catholic girl in high school so when she dated guys she would blow them instead of giving them sex.  The strangest place she’s ever had sex was in a lifeguard house in Miami Beach.  Her favorite sexual position in missionary.  When asked about how many girls she has kissed Just Judy had a story about making out with a stripper in front of an ex-boyfriend.  When asked about the first time she had anal sex, her response was: “It was a surprise.”

We learned a lot more about Just Judy but unfortunately my scribe notes get pretty esoteric at times.  I sure wish I could remember what story the note ‘Long dark phallus – Flavor in my mouth’ referred too.  I’m also  pretty sure there was some sort of catholic school girl lesbian story… Oh well, not everything can be recorded for posterity.

Anyway, the following names were nominated for Just Judy:

  • Double Stacked
  • Dyke Watch
  • Three Men and a Maybe
  • What abouy Knob
  • Bunkake
  • Coochie Grissel
  • Shindlers Lisp
  • Everything Butt
  • Surprise Attack
  • All Head No Bed
  • Amtush

In the end due to her catholic upbringing and her subsequent attempts to make up for lost time Just Judy was named John 3:69

Then we went to ononon, drank our faces off and tried to get laid.  Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were!

 

Until next time…

On on,
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe