EWH3 #547 – Farragut Square
Hares: Cocktuplets, Cunt of the Litter, El Vago Libre, Peas on my Face, Just Alex
Brew Crew: Hungry Hungry Hungry Homo, Mannipple Lickter
Virgins: Just: Ross, Andreas, Matt, Sean, Jackie, Rodney, Adam, Sara, Dimple, Adam, Margie, Kristin, Greg
Visitors: Save a Tree, Ride a Cowboy (Boston H3—transplant), Sister Swallow (Baghdad H3—transplant), Breakfast Boobie Trap (Baghdad H3—transplant), Drunk Whisperer (Sir Walter Raleigh H3)
Analversaries: Little Red Ride Me Good—200 hashes
The pack circled up in Farragut Square, named after Admiral Farragut, who said one of my favorite quotations ever, “Damn the torpedoes. Full steam ahead!” Isn’t that pretty much everyone’s M.O. after last call? We ran through the streets and alleys of the Dupont Circle area, through a soccer field and around a playground. The pack then threaded its way through a dark alley, where we found Peas on my Face giving out shots of Sparks. We were all energized after that, but it didn’t last too long, as most of the route to the beer check was uphill.
After beer check near a replica of the Spanish Steps, the pack headed into Rock Creek Park and ran on a trail along the creek. Fortunately, given that we weren’t warned that we might need headlamps, long socks, and the like, the trail ran alongside the water instead of going through it. Once we exited the park, it was a short jaunt to the on-in, in another alley, where men loitering near the loading docks leered on.
- Just Kristin tried to get away without paying her $5. It’s a hash, not a gang bang, as much as they sometimes seem alike. You can’t come for free!
- Assflac really, really wanted to know how to give Cum and Knock on my Back Door’s dad a boner.
- Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock once had a passionate one-night stand with Just Greg and gave him his favorite bandanna as a keepsake, but told Just Greg that his name was “America.” Just Greg showed up at the hash wearing that bandanna and saying that, “America made [him] come.”
- Just Dimple showed up at the hash pre-named.
- Breakfast Boobie Trap pillaged homes in Baghdad and smuggled priceless antiques back to the US in her bra.
- Mudflap complained that “it” was too big and he was getting too much head. Why would anyone ever be unhappy about those things?
- Snap Crackle Poop thought the shot of Sparks was a urine sample and drank it anyway. I didn’t know he was into water sports.
- Brokeback Mama had a stalking FAIL: he but kept forgetting the girl’s name. How can he possibly look her up on Facebook and HashSpace or Google her like that?
- Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me pulled a Topher and paid the hash cash by check.
- Cocktuplets had said that haring a trail was on her bucket list. That’s weak sauce; you’ve gotta come up with something better than that. Go jump out of a plane or something!
- Little Red Ride Me Good, Double-Ohh Positive, Cum of a Preacher’s Hand and Ankles Away had a foursome on trail.
- Uncle Tom’s Stabbin’ made her sister come. Way to keep it in the family!
- Wookin’ Pa Nub ended up leading the walkers. There’s something very, very wrong with this picture.
- Just Scot tried to hurdle a sign, got hit in the junk for his troubles, and gave himself a Darwin Award in the process.
- Peas on my Face brought her giant labia to the hash but wouldn’t let any of the boys play with them.
Violations from the Crowd:
- Michael J. Fucks brought technology on trail. Also, she should watch out for Brokeback Mama; he’s stalking her. Rather ineptly, but still.
- Hair Cuntery located end circle where there was a ghetto velvet rope for him to stand behind while stunt RA-ing.
- Cum and Knock on my Back Door was talking about his dad’s boner.
- Underground Railroad went and got herself engaged. Congratulations on sleeping with the same person for the rest of eternity!
- The hares laid a walkers’ trail that was more interesting than the runners’ trail.
- Whore Crimes wanted to have sex before going to the hash. Edgar Allan Ho protested that they didn’t have enough time. Whore Crimes responded, “We’ve got 4 minutes!”
- Edgar Allan Ho—beggars can’t be choosers.
- Assflac shouldn’t talk about how beggars can’t be choosers.
- Hair Cuntery is the replacement for Mush Mouth on the Fat Albert Show.
The police came by and weren’t happy about our circle location, but said we only needed to clear the area in front of the loading dock. We relocated to the far end of the alley and then we had a NAMING!
Just Alex was born in Russia, went to University of Oregon, and now works for the Army Material Command as a budget anal-yst. He’s so anal, he laminated the trail maps. He keeps asking his girlfriend, Cunt of the Litter, to do anal with him, but she keeps refusing. Also, he likes bears. And people wonder why EWH3 is the gayest hash around! Just Alex lost his virginity during his junior year in high school, the same year that he went limp after being given a blow job for 20 minutes. For all the mocking we did, maybe it was just a really bad blow job. Like a high school girl would really know what she’s doing down there. He once got body-slammed by a cop into a window outside a Waffle House in Texas. Just Alex has been hospitalized for drunkenness a couple times, and has had to be tied and handcuffed to hospital beds to keep him from ripping the IV out and leaving. Finally, he once made out with a stripper and got his wallet stolen in a cab in Las Vegas. Now, that’s material for a sequel to The Hangover.
Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:
- Hunt for Brown Cocktober
- Fuzzy Wuzzy was Confused
- Against the Wall and Spread ‘Em
- Scattered, Smothered, Covered, and Nailed
- Protected Feces
- USSR You In?
- Putin my Ass
- Quit Stalin, Let’s Trotsky
- Dodge Vagina
- Caress My Cock
- Deep in the Butt of Texas
- If I Were a Stiff Man
- Abu Gay Ass
So many good names, so little time. It was a tough call, but the pack couldn’t resist the combination of limp dicks and music theatre and eventually chose to name Just Alex If I Were a Stiff Man.
The pack was way too rowdy to do a second naming, so instead, we drank more, sang “Jesus Saves,” had a beer fight and much, much later, went to the bar and tried to get laid.
Beer-drenched hugs and kisses,
Tits for Tots