Posts

When: April 30, 2015

Where: Foggy Bottom (Silver/Blue/Orange lines)

Hares: Wreath Around, Sorest Rump, Jew-Cock-A, Tuck Tuck Deuce, Red White & Poo, YOCO

On After: Mr. Smith’s (neé Chadwick’s)

If April showers bring May flowers then what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims, of course. The haven of circles and checks had enough people to to start our own settlement this week.

Our Virgins — who included Justs Adam, Amanda, Brian, Caroline, Chelsey, Chrissy, Christina, Dan, Eli, Elise, Emma, Eric, Ian, Krista, Selina and more — were welcomed in the town square upon their arrival. Our Visitors — Cocktroller, Country Fried Semen, Limp Lips and others — avoided the stocks and pillory through some thoughtful exhibition.

But your town crier still has some news to share:

  • Stain Gretzky described, in shock and awe, her first anal sex experience: “He just slipped it in.”
  • Turn the Meat Around kept true to his disco-inspired name and dressed for a coke fueled night at Studio 54.
  • True Bromance wandered away with a pitcher at beer check proving as selfish at the hash as in bed.
  • VD showed us he was the world’s only troll that would actually let someone pass under the bridge.
  • Special Red took some time to audition for his circus tight rope act on trail, or he may just be a human-sized red squirrel.
  • And, keeping true to some of the night’s theme, your Steelers Nation hashers had to tell the Patriots fans on trail a hard truth.

Finally, hear ye hear ye, the village of Everyday is Wednesday, has an important announcement. This week was a very special occasion for Just Matt of Maryland, a business development ninja who suffers from sexual amnesia yet can recall getting arrested in a lot of other countries. Getting high (as in altitude) provides him some thrills, and the other high just makes him chill. “All right, all right, all right,” as his man crush would say. The circle made McConauga-hey a front runner, ditto to Blazed & Abused and Clark Can’t. But the villagers voted with loud applause, hoots and hollers to welcome You’re in Grande Trouble to our experiment in communal drinking.

Marking my territory,

~ Mambo # Hives

When: 6:45 PM Thursday September 4, 2014.

Where:  Foggy Bottom Metro.

Hares: Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Dial F, The Gourd the Bad and the Slutty, Whiskey Bizness and 1 if by Man 2 if by She, Tweedle Cum

Weather: ABC-licious

Miscellaneous: Lots of Twinkle juice, which causes both bad decisions and massive diarrhea. Uh, or so I’m told.

On On OnRhino Bar

VirginsJust Jen, Just Wes, Just Adam, Just Patrick, Just Beth, Just Allison, Just Victoria, Just Aubyn, Just James 

Visitors Noxzema Is Bad (homeless), Overdue Goo (Agana H3, Guam)

And, what you’ve all been waiting for… VIOLATIONS!!!


Upon entering one of the multiple shot check locations on trail, Muppet Rapies exclaimed, “I don’t want to go in the frat house. I spent most of my undergrad in frat houses.” Yikes.



Aunt Vagina’s Maple Syrup posted a photo of her pre-pubescent self where she is blowing on a banana pretending to be a “snake charmer.” It’s good to know that times haven’t changed.

(Aunt Vagina, I think you should relay some of your banana blowing snake charming skillz to Harry. That looks rough.)

Speaking of bad Harry Potter jokes, All Flash No Drive decided to do her best Dobby impression and wore only a pillowcase to trail. So naturally I threw a dirty sock at her.



Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was violated for leaving Thor off of the hare list. Just because Thor is a woman now doesn’t mean we don’t count!


Just Beth was violated for running into a homeless man, bowling him over, and shattering his only possession. Congrats you’re a horrible person.



Cum Dumpling was violated for looking at my outfit and exclaiming, “that’s racist! Oh man, glad there’s not a black person around.” It’s the hash. There’s almost never black people around.


While on trail, I kept trying to get Magic Johnson’s attention by calling his name. After a while, I gave up and instead shouted, “hey fat kid!” To which he responded, “Oh hey!” And then did this:

Dial F for Faggot was violated for saying that, compared to dicks, “vagina just doesn’t roll off my tongue the same way.”


Lastly, Just Rachel was violated for standing right in front of the Gandhi statue, looking at it, and saying, “who’s Gandhi?”

 

And then we had an unprecedented event: BACK TO BACK NAMINGS! First off, we had Just Lisa. Just Lisa works at NIH in neuro-imaging, went to Princeton, and loves to run away during sex. She has a history of turning men gay, masturbating in elevators, and giving terrible blow jobs to tiny Asian men. Her most noteworthy story was her most embarrassing: she once had a man pretend to be a sloth and “rape” her. “Rape” is in quotations because I’m almost positive sloths cannot rape anything, they move too slow (you’d definitely see him comin’!). Some names were suggested, the best of which were Slow Poke, Slothy Seconds, and Slow Means Slow. The hash voted (and boy was it close!) but we settled on Slothy Seconds!

 

Secondly, we had Just Michelle. Just Michelle works for the post office, reads vampire softcore porn novels, and loves puzzles. The meanest thing she’s ever done to someone was when she unknowingly slept with a friend’s husband for a whole year without realizing it. Michelle was a wellspring of sexual fantasy: she’s been in a poly relationship with two men (DP CENTRAL), has dated a woman (FISTING CENTRAL), and has engaged in multiple orgies, the largest of which contained 16 people! After we all got over the shock of her incredible sex life, some names were thrown out: Return to Senders Wife, Interview with a Stamp-ire, and The Porny Express. The hash voted, and henceforth and forevermore, Just Michelle will be known as Return to Senders Wife!

On- gang bangs and fang wangs- on,

Mr. hEd

 

EWH3 #832: The No Frills, All Gills Trail!

When: Thursday May 29, 2014

Where: Foggy Bottom, Blue/Orange Line

 Hares: Yellow Line, Tosh.Homo, There’s A Clap For That, Jew With A Dragon Tattoo

Miscellaneous Crap: Great trail!

Weather: Hot and wet, just like your mother

On on on: Chadwicks!

Virgins: We had some. Too bad none of them made it home alive….

Just kidding, they were: Just Claire, Just Erica, Just Jed, Just Alex, and Just Dan.

Visitors: Tin Tin (Stuttgart) and Pumptkin (Atlanta Moonlite H4, a transplant I believe).

Violations!!!!!!!!!!!

We started violations off with some lost property: two vessels belonging to Dr. Toolittle and St. Pauli’s Girl. These two visited a group of us at Dewey last weekend and left behind their mugs. It’s not called one girl two cups, guys, but I did my best.


Hells Anal is officially on cougar patrol. She went to McFaddens before trail so she could pick up drunk college boys. What she doesn’t realize is, if all she wants is immature broke guys with mommy issues, she’s got it all right here.



All Flash No Drive wore a Ragnar race shirt to trail. Memo to all future r*cists out there: if you are going to be a racist, at least run a real race.


Tin Tin kept running through the bushes in front of me and spraying me in the face with debris. If you’re going to spray me in the face, at least give me a tissue after.




Zero Shart Thirty is apparently the only brown man unwilling to do a water crossing. For shameeeeeee.


Roll Over, Bitch! was so excited on trail that he violated himself. Which is only really acceptable when you’re at home alone with the blinds drawn. And even then… just… don’t.



Jew with the Dragon Tattoo was seen rounding up pairs of different insects. When you see a Jew leading pairs of different animals in the rain, it’s time to be concerned.




Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock and Dr. Toolittle were talking before trail when Dr.T remarked “every prostitute I’ve ever seen was short” to which a fairly drunk Twinkle said, “every prostitute I’ve ever seen was dead. I mean tall. Yeah, tall.”



Kindergarten Cock confessed that after a night of binge drinking wine, his poop smells like blueberries. Gives new meaning to fruit of the loom.

 

And then we had… A NAMING!

Just Davy, aka Brief Case Guy, is from Hinesville, Georgia, also known as swamp land. He’s an army gymnast who majored in History and works as a lobbyist (gross). He had his first sexual experience at 18. At 22, while stationed abroad, Just Davy had sex with the 52-year old woman working at the GNC (seems very Stifler’s mom to me). After a series of failed relationships with other really old women, Just Davy attempted to settle down with his JAG officer, a woman ten years his senior. Clearly, someone has mommy issues. Or grand-mommy issues? Either way, Just Davy loves his MILFs and GILFs. You all threw out some suggestions, and these were the top three: Mrs. Robin Semen, got milf?, and Colostomy Shag. You voted, we listened, and Just Davy will forevermore be known as Colostomy Shag. Thank you for teaching me another one of the horrors of aging. Yuck. In the wise words of Peter Pan:

…especially if you poop out of a whole in your tummy.

ON-STACY’S MOM HAS GOT IT GOING– ON,

Mr. hEd

 

Where: Foggy Bottom Metro
When: April 18, 2013

Our masked crusaders (aka super hero hares): Lock, Cock, and 2 smoking nostrils; St. Pauli’s girl; Just Munty; RG3some; and Just Leslie.

Whiz, Bam, Pow – The sun was shining for opening circle near GW’s campus. The half brains assembled. Virgins, we had virgins everywhere. Justs: Becky, Andrew, Leah, Meghan, Andres, Jeff, Madison, Gypsy, Robert, Hawley, Dan, Iris, and Renana were in attendance. Special props to the virgin who showed up in a shiny Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume! We like you – cum back!

Songs were sung and we did our fancy dancy warm-up while singing about Joe and the pack was off. Most were running but a few walkers were out in force (like your trusty scribe).

This was my second time on walker’s trail and I learned an important lesson: it is not a good idea to make your own shot checks by popping into bars and adding extra shot checks to trail…. And when you walk by a beverage store it is probably not a good idea to go in and buy your own alcohol to make additional drinks!

From what I remember end circle was in a creepy alley. My scribe notes say the evening violations were as follows:

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock announced that he is jealous that  Daisy Chain’s is bigger (tent envy is real my friends).
• The Hares-zig zagged us all over the city (Is that a real violation? Don’t they do that every week? Oh well have to trust the scribe notes).
Just Leslie limited the walkers’ from having too many shots because she wanted to, “save some for the real hashers.” So.Not.Cool.
Cock Soup walked!
St. Pauli’s Girl wore his knee pads to trail.
Pulp Friction tried to take on a car.
There is a Clap For That complained that everyone was trying to get his seed (Why was he complaining?).
Tragic Carpet Ride tried to convince two virgins that there is a bathroom in Plan B.
MeNoEngrish brought her giant flask to trail BUT it only had water in it for her dog (#hasherfail).
Ass Ogre & Deathly Swallows had Hashy Birthdays.
Mad Dog and Premature Ejaculation had sex on trail (acceptable hash behavior?).

*These violations may or may not have been part of circle. They were in my scribe notebook so… unless it has been compromised at least some of them were probably the circle violations.

Then we had a very special occasion A NAMING! Just Leslie was our victim… eh I mean honoree for the night. She went to a college that starts with an S; had sex with a teacher; loves the Little Mermaid (who doesn’t); and lost her virginity in college (although it was boring). She loved her Barbie dream house and grew up to be good at swallowing, has sketchy feet, had a threesome at WIE and she once had sex with a one legged man. We had some good names for Just Leslie: One Foot Skank, Amputease, and Stump Thumper. However, henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing Just Leslie will be known as Hurricane Cuntrina.

And everybody was happy and hopped and skipped to the land of McFadden’s.

I ended up at Amsterdam Falafel.

It was a good night!

On-ThingsAreMoreFunWithCapes-On,

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang
EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #555 – Halloween Hash, Foggy Bottom

Hares:  Presidential Nasty, Pittsburgh Kneeler, C.L.I.T., Tar Squeal, John 3:69

Brew Crew:  Marco Homo, Wank Like an Egyptian

Virgin:  Just Carrie, Alina, Cllie, Christian, Sarah, Etiola, Chris, Zach, Susan, Laura, Lauren, Charlie, Noah, and Devin

Visitors:  Just Liz (Brooklyn H3)

Ononon:  Science Club

 

What’s even better than going to parties dressed up in scary, wacky, and/or sexy costumes?  Running through DC in scary, wacky, and/or sexy costumes, terrorizing all the yuppies leaving their offices!  The pack met up in Washington Circle to do just that, and after a bit of checking out all the costumes–almost no one got that I was dressed as mo(u)rning wood without a ton of prompting–we were off.  We ran through neighborhoods in Foggy Bottom and West End before heading into Rock Creek Park, sneaking into an old cemetery, climbing up a steep, muddy slippery hill, and, finally, reaching the first shot check, something lemony.  I needed it too, having learned the hard way that running through shiggy is even harder when you’re carrying some of said shiggy with you.  After more running through the park, the pack hit the second shot check, located in a gazebo, and involving orange pop.  Yeah, I said “pop.”  I’m from Michigan.  Deal.  We then emerged in Georgetown and ran through campus, including on some stairways and paths connecting undergrad dorms.  By this point, we’d run about 4 miles, so when I saw some guys carrying cases of beer to their room, I was very, very tempted to forget about beer check and make some new friends right then and there.  I stayed with the pack instead, though, and followed trail down the Exorcist stairs, across M Street and the C & O Canal to beer check where K Street turns into the Capitol Crescent Trail.  Next time, boys.  

 

The pack drank much-needed beer and admired each other’s costumes some more before we got sent off, with the walkers taking a 5-minute head start.  They needed it too, because the runners’ trail was pretty much a straight shot through Georgetown and Foggy Bottom to an alley downtown behind the bar, where we drank beer and ogled and/or mocked all the costumes again, some more.          

 

Violations:

  • Hair Cuntery said he found a hairy rope and put it in his shorts when asked about his costume.  Isn’t that what he does every night?
  • Slumcock Anywhwere walked by an apartment building on the walkers’ trail and said, “I think I hooked up here; I remember those stairs.”  Stairs, really?  That’s what you remember?  She must not’ve been very good.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock:  Mark Twain called; he wants the Mississippi River back.
  • The hares got confused and forgot that the marathon was the past Sunday, not on trail Thursday night.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door took his name too seriously and put a back door on his footie PJs.    
  • Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me put a cucumber on her chair and pretended not to notice when she sat on it.
  • Mannipple Lickter asked a walker to carry his jacket.  The jacket got dropped in a puddle, getting Mannipple the wettest he’s ever been.
  • Just Charlie offered to rub another guy’s body down and then added, “I’m not a homo.”  Bitch, please.
  • Just Josh stole his girlfriend’s Hooters uniform to wear to the hash.
  • Just CJ and Just Laura, having sex on trail is acceptable hash behavior, holding hands on trail is a little cheesy, but wearing matching costumes on trail is just nauseating.
  • St. Pauli Girl’s Tic Tacs were hanging out of his shorts all night.  Or were they roofies?  In the ’70s workout costume he was wearing, he might need some of those to have any chance of getting laid.  
  • Oregon Grinder finished trail on her scooter, taking auto-hashing to a new, even pussier level.
  • Jon Benet Ram Me, when dressed as Lt. Dangle, you really shouldn’t turn homophobic when another hasher asks you to frisk him.
  • WOWO tried to get a hair transplant and ended up with pubes on his face.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack intentionally went into the light to take a piss.
  • Hair Cuntery saw Tits for Tots’ costume and proclaimed, “Morning Wood–I got it!”

 

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock said he has never had morning wood.  His girlfriend must never have had an orgasm.
  • Tits for Tots got violated to help Twinkle take care of his problem.
  • Cocky got violated for something or other, which was really an excuse for her, Assflac, Have Fun Storming the Asshole, Cum and Knock on my Back Door, and Pee Wee’s Little Adventure to perform some sort of sketch in which the letters on their sweaters spelled out “F-U-C-K.”  
  • John 3:69 showed her “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” underpants every time she laid a walkers’ trail mark.
  • Just CJ, Just Laura, and Fat Friends in Wet Places wore banana costumes without their pjamas.

 

Then it was time for a very regular event; we had a NAMING!

Just Sharon attended University of Southern Arkansas, which may or may not be an online correspondence school.  She is now a recruiter in the Coast Guard, which is much better than her old job as a manager at McDonald’s.  When Just Sharon was in high school, her lesbian softball coach would make the team change out of their uniforms on the bus ride home so she could watch.  She has a tattoo of a four-leaf-clover.  Just Sharon is a self-proclaimed slut who likes it on top and once made out with 10 to 15 guys while on ‘shrooms at a party, and woke up with a boyfriend the next morning.  She loves to show her ass, and ran most of trail with her thong sticking out.  Finally, while kneeling on the naming mat as people asked her questions and told stories about her, Just Sharon entertained herself by playing with Cum Dumpling’s junk.

 

Naming suggestions (that didn’t suck) were:

  • Bring on the Semen
  • Canker’s Dozen
  • Pooper-Size Me
  • Fortune Hoochie
  • Semper Depantis
  • Cock Burglar
  • Do You Want Lice With That?

and

  • Happy Ending Meal

 

The cops came right as we were taking a last few suggestions, so we had to put Just Sharon’s naming off for another week.  Keep these in mind, y’all!  

 

After we were so rudely interrupted by the fuzz, some of the pack went to the on-on-on.  It was really crowded, so about half the pack went to another bar nearby, which was less crowded but didn’t have specials.  Wherever we were, we all tried to get laid, and if you can’t succeed at that while wearing a Halloween costume, you really fail at life. 

 

Grosses baises,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe