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Not quite ready to hang up my scribe pen yet, so here is the final hash trash for your 2015 Mismanagement:

When: Thursday January 14, 2015
Where: U Street (Green, Yellow lines)
On After: Town Tavern
Hares: Sorest Rump, Tuck Tuck Deuce, Dr. Toolittle, GeriatricMandering
Visitors: Trailer Park Tragedy, Wobble Whip It
Virgins: there were a lot of you, and I was more focused on drinking than noting your names. Welcome!

And your final violations for this hash year:

  • The hares — for using free beer to lure us into a sex dungeon. It worked.
  • Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock — the year started with Plan B’s wheel falling off and tonight he scratched Scrotal Recall. To next year’s brewmeister: the bar has been set low that a midget would bump his head.
  • No Strings Attached — was happy there was an on in immediately at start because it usually takes him a while to get warmed up. Just like milk, foreplay does a body good.
  • Bad Dog — finally got new shoes but the rest of his attire made it look like he was auditioning for the new season of The Walking Dead.
  • Jew-Cock-A — was wearing a Brazilian bathing trunk but forgot to get a Brazilian.
  • You Sucked My Battledick — demonstrated acceptable hash behavior while demanding to anyone she met at the bar to take off their clothes.

On – thanks for the memories – on,

Mambo # Hives

Ever wonder what it would be like if E-Dub’s exploits made it to the small screen? Now’s your chance courtesy of this week’s stunt scribe, Texas Hold Him. So …

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of a shitty trip
That started from Brookland Metro
At a clambering clip

The runners were a sweaty group
The walkers drank a lot
Five hares lead that day
For a 90 minute trail
(A 90 minute trail)

The hare’s ran around the shores of this
Uncharted DC isle,
With: Poop Dick,
Happy Poo Year,
General’s Farm Animal,
Lickthyologist
Hurricane Cuntrina

So join us here each week my friends,
You’re sure to get a smile
From several drunken castaways
Here on EH3 Isle!

EH3 Isle Recap: Season 15 Episode #918 “Softer than a Soggy Fish Stick”

On the latest episode of EH3 Isle:

Two new ingénues made their appearances. Hopefully we see them in future episodes.

We didn’t see any cross-over extras, which is okay because they try to make references no one else gets.

In our first act, Maybe It’s Gaybelline was overheard asking General’s Farm Animal what kind of booty he was looking for. With the amount of grog he consumed, it he was probably okay with any port in the storm. Red White and Poo’s lines about being “itchy, itchy all over” were not that surprising, considering where there are mermaids, there are crabs.

After a commercial break, La Gingeracha mentioned that he was considering becoming a monk. Since all they do is pray and not have sex, he is already half way there. GeriatricMandering revealed a bit backstory by admitting that whiskey and lemon tasted like cough syrup. If they do a daddy-issues arc, I’m going to bail.

I found the A Plot to be meandering and slow to resolution, but the B Plot left a lot to be desired. The hares probably agreed, since they bailed on this narrative for second half and left Return to Sender’s Wife to lead the way.

In the finale act Just David delighted with many entertaining bon mots. Though he may have the soaring oratory of an NPR anchor, that silver tongue of his was not enough to reel in his first love, earning his character the name Wait Wait, Don’t Fuck Me.

So join your faithful recapper here each week.

On – GILLIGAN! – On,

Texas Hold Him

When: September 10, 2015

Where: Van Ness (Red line)

Hares: Unobtainum, The Lying, the Bitch, and the Whoredrobe, 3-Piece Sextional, Head Injury, Areola 51, and Vladimir Fruitin

On After: Guapo’s

Another week and EWH3 is yet another step closer to just opening up our own wedding chapel. As we celebrate Unobtainium’s upcoming nuptials, we took some time to populate the potpourri table of wedding guests that is always the last to use the buffet line.

  • The groom’s friend from summer camp who still has a crush on him and is still a virgin — Just Rochelle
  • The bride’s friend from summer camp who is a big slut — Gigi the blow up doll
  • An anatomically-correct sheep — Lady Baa Baa
  • The distance cousin who is a karaoke superstar — Rubber Legs
  • The co-worker whose much more outgoing date spent the whole reception on the dance floor (and elsewhere) with another person — Bloody Nibs
  • The functioning alcoholic who needs to get a life — Dial F

And of course there was a motley crew who just stayed at the bar the whole time, telling stories, like that one time …

  • Just Jim took time on trail to audition for EWH3’s new musical theater troupe: Jizz Hands
  • 3-Piece Sextional wore a wrist brace and had knee bruises because she did everything butt the night before
  • Maybe It’s Gay-Belline watched tit checks from creepily behind a bush
  • All Flash No Drive got rug burn from a back pack produced by a REI Chinese knockoff: RPI.

But at the EWH3 Wedding Express, we have a different kind of solemn occasion where someone gets a new name and a piece of jewelry.

Meet Just Carroll. He loves being a dude: from hooking up with squirters, benching 245 lbs. and doing parkour, and jerking off to an wide array of porn (including chicks with dicks). It’s a long way from the guy who is crushing Asian genital stereotypes but still lost his virginity in about 30 seconds. For these reasons and a few more: please welcome, I’m Big in Japan.

On — Don’t Throw Bouquets at Me — On,

Mambo # Hives

When: September 3, 2015

Where: Gallery Place/Chinatown (Red, Green and Yellow lines)

Hares: Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Assault My Ass, All Flash No Drive, Quantum Whizics, and Stain Gretzsky, GeratricMandering

On After: Irish Channel

ABCD-EFG, Twinkle Juice makes one of you look like three.
HIJ, the next day no one feels OK.
LMNOP’uh-lease, tell me what is going on.
QRSsss, Why was your skirt hissing?
TUV, Is for vegetables as tops?
WX-rays films make great tunics?
Y? Oh, it was the 6th Anal Anything But Clothes Trail!
Zzzzzz. [passes out]

Apparently the following happened because I wrote it down:

  • Red White and Poo noted that pretty much anything Harris Tweeter or CVS every spat out was all over her
  • Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock could be win a Nobel peace prize, but only if we could solve world hunger with twinkle juice
  • Dial F was offended that Bit Romney declined his version of chivalry: that she could towel off with his crusty, spunk rag
  • Texas Hold Him was very proud of his homemade cod piece. #homeerrect

We also held a solemn occasion for Just John. He went to University of Marylander to make maps but now just follows bike routes. Who cares about his day job when he spoke about getting a shampoo bottle stuck up his ass for pleasure. It was expunged thanks to laxatives. While A Bicycle Built For Poo would be a great addition to the poo family tree, please welcome instead Maybe It’s Gay-Belline.

On — Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful — On,

Mambo # Hives

When: August 13, 2015

Where: Rosslyn (Blue, Orange, Silver lines)

Hares: Uno, Dos, Tres, LIFTOFF!; Mellow Foreskin Cheese; Cum Dumpling; Coxxx on Demand; and a mystery hare

On After: Continental Pool Lounge

The U.S. was famously built upon the tenants of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, while D.C. was infamously built on top of a swamp. This week, we went the infamous route (naturally) and continued our tour of local marshes, waterways and shiggy.

Members of our pack found out they could have a second career as B-movie monsters: be it our virgins — Justs Adam, Christine, Emily, Garrett, Kristi, Mariana, and Mark — starring as Creature from the Black Lagoon — or our visitors — Condom Style, Dances With Balls and Lips — starring as Swamp Thing.

But just like every week, some folks found themselves simply listed as the extra in the credits as “Stupid Person 1” —

  • Shamrock Your Cock had pandas on her knees and is on her knees for Tony Panda.
  • Blow Ray Me and Just Adam were seen throwing balls of seaweed on trail but there is much better way to enjoy sushi.
  • Vladimir Fruitin smacked Penis Fly Trap‘s ass and got a mud facial.
  • Camo Sutra loves shiggy so much it makes her cum
  • We thought Uno, Dos, Tres, LIFTOFF! learned to hash in Korea not Vietnam
  • The hares for giving this Millennial- and Gen Y-heavy crowd all ‘Nam flashbacks.

And finally we got to know more about the survivor of this shiggy-filled horror film: Just Tim. He is a smarty pants computer engineer who went to the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute but spends much of his time at the theater among fellow techies and thespians. While he may collect esoteric Unix machines, his stories veered to the (not so) erotic. Blow jobs are always good in his opinion and his most theatrical sexual experience involved props in the fly loft. But we cannot forget that one time he lost a vibrator inside a woman’s vagina. Was it ever retrieved? No clue, but we do know that his name is now Knocking on Heaven’s Whore.
On — turtle sex turns me — On,

~ Mambo # Hives

Where: Cleveland Park Metro (Red line)

Hares: BackSnatch, PutItOut, TuckTuckDeuce, WaxOnWhacksOff

On After: Cleveland Park Bar & Grill

It’s the dog days of summer, so this week we are keeping it simple. (Just like the rules of the beer mile.) We explored the hills and valleys and avenues west of the Rock Creek and people did some stupid stuff, including:

  • The hares — since they doubled the age of the hash tonight, they have to pay for anyone’s with daddy issues therapy bills this week
  • There’s A Clap For That — to our surprise did not stop on trail to hang out with the teenagers in the woods
  • La Gingeracha — who upon hearing a firetruck, did what they taught in elementary school: stop, drop, and roll across Connecticut Avenue
  • The Lying, the Bitch, and the Whoredrobe and Rosetta Bone — discovered the claws and condoms don’t mix with you have a threesome with a crab. Congrats on all the little crustaceans!
  • RPI — in considering how to celebrate #369, he realized he just doesn’t like cold tacos, unless it’s 3 AM and then anything goes.

And we held a very solemn occasion for Just Lauren. It was fitting that her brother joined us because he was surely dying to hear about the time she was hooking up with a guy only to have his brother — who she also hooked up with — walk in on them. But the crowd wanted to know more and more about the New York Giant she slept with. Was he linebacker like Dick Butt-Kiss? All in all, we still couldn’t get over connecting the dots of familial relations, so please welcome Six Degrees of Penetration.

On — ready, set, hike — On,

Mambo # Hives

Where: College Park Metro (Green line)

Hares: Please Step Away from the Whores, Don’t Ask Don’t Smell, Uno Dos Tres LIFTOFF, Can’t find Pussy in a Haystack, and Trim Shady

On After: Cornerstone Grill and Loft

Start up the DeLorean, strike up some Huey Lewis and strap on your hover board, we’re going to Hill Valley.

This week we welcomed future virgins Justs Elizabeth, Mike and Sean.

And just like Biff driving into the manure truck, these people took some shit on trail:

  • Just Elise and Just Dave — who are so hipster that she used a mason jar as her vessel and he was literally zenning out by doing yoga.
  • Carnie x5 Cumeleon — a language lesson for him: the French word for parkour is douche.
  • Prince Charmin — said he lost the tip in the trash … How dare you treat a woman like garbage!
  • All Flash, No Drive — who was frb’ing at a turkey-eagle split. While we always knew eagles can fly, we found out her turkeys can, too.
  • Whoregon Trail, Yellow Line and Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack — the ladies petted Pussy on trail and didn’t share. Which made haystack mad so he butted in and was promptly bit.
  • Just Sean — who was asked by Just Eliza how much a one on one session would be in his kitchen.
  • The hares — who obviously learned nothing from what happens when you see a shady van in an empty parking lot.

And just like the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance, we had a very solemn occasion. Before she heads overseas to continue her teaching experience, we got to know a little more about Just Elise. Fitting for the evening’s location, she is a Maryland Terrapin even down to her shoes and her stories kept in theme, too. There was the time security interrupted her having sex in a campus fountain but only after they were watching for a quite a while. Or the time that when meeting a stranger at spring break and almost getting arrested while giving head turns out to be your new work study colleague. But perhaps most importantly, she spent time in a collegiate a cappella group so circle up aca-bitches and welcome, Blow-Re-Mi.

On — Great Scott! — on,

Mambo # Hives

Where: Smithsonian Metro (Blue, Orange and Silver lines)

Hares: Ginger Snatch, All Flash No Drive, Hungry Hungry Homo, Stain Gretzky, Strange Ground Chuck

On After: Molly Malone’s

With summer tourist season reaching its peak of freshness, your fellow hashers decided to stink up the place a bit with a tour of the National Mall and Capitol Hill.

While some of us are bonafide locals, others still have a way to go, including:

  • Our virgins — Justs Noah, Mike, Rob, Scott, Sonya and Will — who confused the Capitol for the White House.
  • Our transplant — Cums Early Cums Often — who kept asking where the stores on the Mall are.

And these guys who said or did stupider shit than saying their flight was out of Ronal Reagan airport or standing on the left side of an escalator:

  • Missed Her Bush — who was overhead on trail saying, “I always lead from behind, that’s what my boss tells me anyway.”
  • Head Shart — whose bruised ass shows that they share the same boss.
  • Pooples Mountain Majesty — shared an important protip to DC locals and tourists alike … while you can go commando on the Metro, you cannot go shirtless.
  • Tony Panda — discovered last week that sharks don’t like the taste of pandas
  • RPI — found out that you can indeed become born again, literally. He looked as slick and shiny and mucous-y as a new born babe
  • PSA — Unsurprisingly went to all 3 grateful dead shows last week. Didn’t know you could buy season tickets to a band.
  • You Sucked My Battledick — had a pathetic slap fight with PSA at beer check. Apparently it was over whether the Grateful Dead can ever musical chairs. They can’t. Because they never stop.
  • Aunt Vagina’s Maple Syrup — was caught on trail asking hash flash to take a picture of a red bush. So which gingers was dropping trou?

We also took some time to celebrate a very solemn occasion for Just Francisco; an actual Washingtonian who used to hose off hash marks from his driveway in Arlington as a kid. He is a geographer and DJ and professional frisbee player who likes talking out of his about his ass. He lost his virginity doggy style on a ski trip in Canada. A cleaning lady once saw him cleaning his hairy ass after sharting at work. He came on a girl’s chest on a baseball field during a school dance and still feels bad about it.

For these reasons and others we don’t want to think about — like the outcome of the anal sex napkin bet — please welcome, Anals in the Outfield.

Saying whatever to presidential motorcades,

Mambo # Hives

Where: Rosslyn Metro (Blue, Orange and Silver lines)

Hares: Bumspringa, Milk Money, Survival of the Spittest, Wookin Pa Nub, You Only Cum Once

On After: Continental Pool Lounge

The NoVa of 2015 can sometimes get a bad rap (or a funny one). But this week — as we celebrated this nation’s 239th independence day — we flashed back to the wilds of Rosslyn during that monumental year of 1776. And just like the signers of the Declaration of Independence, we topped it all off with a lot of booze.

EWH3895_useme
And we welcomed back Just Caroline for part two of her very special occasion. She is an early childhood educator who makes her class watch YouTube videos when she’s hungover and went through a slut phase in college. There was the two-part, two-year long act of losing her virginity. The time she blacked out, went to the diner for drunk food and then to the hospital for stitches. And who could forgot shitting her pants while drinking and watching Old School during a hurricane, which ended with her friends throwing her in the shower. For these reasons and some more, please welcome Head Shart.

America, Fuck Yeah!,

Mambo # Hives

When: June 11, 2015

Where: Waterfront Metro (Green line)

Hares: Jew-Cock-A, Compost Pile, SWAB, DADS, La Gingeracha

On After: The Big Stick

Weather: It’s getting hot in herre.

Hash Trash #892 emoji

 

 

 

~ Mambo # Hives