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Hash Trash: EWH3# 775: The Bueller?  Bueller? Trail!

When: June 13, 2013.

Where: King Street-Old Town

HaresPinocchi-Ho, I’m Tho Thor, Pulp Friction, Mr. hEd, RG3some, and Rape & Spillage

There was a call for an epic, epic storm. Only the strong brave hashers who didn’t get washed away in the Anacostia made it out to trail tonight. The clouds threatened and the thunder… eh we never heard any thunder… actually it was a pretty nice weather. So if you skipped to trail to wait out the storm you missed a fun trail – suckas!

A handful of virgins (who didn’t know any better) made it out to trail. We were happy to have Justs: Nick, Jenna. Elise, Harrison and Emily with us to scare away the Derecho. Tomb Raper and Cock Chaser were visiting. Well hello there… I think you all are old-timers from EWH3 history. 🙂 And Pardon my Penis was a transplant – welcome! Also there was the unveiling of a new mark – the fishhook – more fun for the FRBs!!!

We sang about Joe and went out searching for hash marks. And a searching we did (Bueller? Bueller?) – most of the time was spent trying to distinguish between orange spray paint marks and orange flour marks – very suspect you tricky hares you! RG3some was a stubborn sweeper hare  who refusing to rescue the pack unless consequences were dire. The trail was confusing; we got lost but there were yummy shot checks; we ran through a creepy graveyard (RIP good souls); and we had a beer check (well most of us did – we are not sure what Haystack was doing).

We circled up a stone throw away from Old Town and eventually got to Violations:

  • Justs Kent, Jenna, Emily and Catherine all were wearing NEW SHOES on trail! Seriously did you all want to drink out of your shoes.? No new shoes on trail silly Justs!
  • Aunt Vagina is extra excited about all you can eat crabs (eww);
  • Hot Buns was wearing a racist shirt;
  • Daisy Chain forget her morning bourbon and wore her shorts inside out on trail (maybe they were inside out for another reason);
  • Empire Strikes Black called Hungry/Humpty Homo *Homo* while walking out of a bar bathroom (yeah there were other guys inside and it was awkward);
  • The Hares for making Roll Over Bitch wish he was on the metro train that caught first (and he would have subsequently missed trail);
  • Rape & Spillage for putting a hash mark on his crotch (is it that hard to find – really?);
  • Pinocchio wanted to fire two of his fellow hares mid trail;
  • Silver Spooge and Raiders of the Lost Box cuddled after their sex on trail (sex acceptable – cuddling not so much);
  • Cocktologist for demonstrated her swallowing skills by swallowing a bug on trail (there are better ways to demonstrate – trust me); and
  • Hungry/Humpty Homo tried to knock out Red, White and Poo to take her home with him (there are better ways to get her home – repeat after me…tequila shots, tequila shots, tequila shots).

Then we came to a very special occasion A NAMING. We tried to name Just Liz before but it didn’t work out… second time is the charm I guess. To remind you all…. Just Liz went to Northeastern and works in Real estate Development. She once got a fat lip from her boyfriend’s hip and everyone thought she had a different kind of sore. She used to give boring BJs because she didn’t know how to use her hands. She has never had a threesome but once her friends were arrested. Someone brought up midget porn but I don’t think that was Just Liz related. We had some fun names for Just Liz: Simple Gifts, Lock Box, and Cum Guzzling Gutter Slut. However, henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing (except those guys) Just Liz will be known as Loose Hips Bruise Lips.

Everyone was happy we survived the *storm* and we frolicked all the way to Rock It Grill where there were many libations, epic karaoke and a handful of dance-offs. Also I got in trouble for violating the one person per chair rule.

On-I’mNotAfraidOftheBigBadStorm-On,

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang 

EWH3 Scribe

Hash Trash – The “I Just Blue Myself” Trail

When: Thursday May 23, 2013.

Where: King Street Metro

HaresMr. hEd as Lindsay Bluth Funke, Blows a Tranny as George-Michael Bluth, Virgin Queen as Buster Bluth, Tend Her Loins as Maeby Funke, Sexorcist as Lucille Bluth, Little Thunder Clap as Gob Bluth

We trekked our way down to Virginia to look for money in the Banana Stand! Our virgins were Justs: Randy, Rachel, Emily, Hannah, Eryn, Lindsay, Kevin, Will and Sahil. The question is did any of them get laid? Maeby! Tuna Jerky was our visitor – Did Buster meet him at Army?

The pack ran through the sticky humidity and wetlands. There were checks and tricks (eh illusions) on trail. There was an Eagle (no dead dove) and a Turkey (why wasn’t it a chicken) trail option and we didn’t even have to send a GM out on a Segway to rescue lost hashers (winning). Most importantly there was a Beer Check (aka dinner).

We circled up in a sticky back parking lot to teach the pack a lesson (but the one armed man was no where to be seen and the hot cops had a gig). Eventually we got around to violations:

  • Wank Like An Egyptian – For moving to LA. We are sad to miss out on all the crazy sh*t you are going to do in LA next year. Also you better let us caress your fabulous new brea*t implants when you get back;
  • Whore Crimes – for dressing like he was in the movie Magic Mike (or maybe he was just a pirate actor);
  • Little Thunder Clap – for being an Anal Rapist. At opening circle he had Slimer spooge on his shirt;
  • Wowo – for bringing a birth control PSA to trail (seriously congratulations);
  • I Manuel Cunt – for being too obvious about his pimping professions (I mean look at his hat);
  • Dial F – for gangsta peeing (one ass cheek to the wind);
  • Tragic Carpet Ride – for running on trail;
  • The Hares – for trying to kill us for crossing up back and forth and back and forth a giant freeway (there wasn’t a wild seal after us or anything – geez);
  • Cutting Class – for wearing the longest jorts possible (I think those might be called pants);
  • Cocktologist – broke her leg during rough sex by being pounded too hard against the wall (acceptable hash behavior); and
  • Mr. hEd – for putting on more clothes after hash (unacceptable hash behavior).

Then we had a very special occasion (and no it did not involved an ice cream sandwich or Afternoon Delight) A NAMING. Just Anthony went to UVA and studied Economics and Spanish and now is an IT consultant. His worst blow job involved receiving road head where he could not finish due to nerves (was there a giant rock in the car with you?). However, Just Anthony was not too nervous to have car sex in his manual Nissan Sentra (while driving the vehicle) on several occasions in high school and sometimes he was drunk (this guy seriously just found hashing). For those of you following along at home – she rode him! Also he once got suspended for using romp.com – a choose your own sexual escapade game. We had some excellent naming options for Just Anthony: Driver’s Head, Vehicular Spermacide; Watch Out for Hop Ons; Dick Shift; and Whore on the Floor. Henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing Just Anthony will be known as Skeet Car Named Desire.   

Everyone was happy and the pack headed to the on-after to bathe in tequila and melted cheese (yum) at Dos Amigos!

I’m sure someone made a huge mistake this week but there will always be another hash as long as you are not too chicken (dance) to come back

On-AndThatisWhyYouAlwaysLeaveANote-On,

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang

EWH3 Scribe