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EWH3 #835: The 6th Annual Jorts Association of Arlington Trail!

 

When: Thursday June 19, 2014

Where: Pentagon City Metro (Blue/Yellow Line)

Hares: Whiskey Business, Just Julia, Just Holly, P.E. Cummings, Just Jon, AND THE WHOLE GANG!

Miscellaneous Crap: So much chafing. And ass. So. Much. Ass.

Weather: Humid, like swimming in the air.

 On on on: Freddie’s Beach Bar! What we thought we looked like:

What we actually looked like:

 

Virgins: We had some. Too bad none of them made it home alive….

 

Visitors: We had some. Too bad none of them made it home alive….

 

Now for the real reason you’re here….

Violations!!!!!!!!!!!


Right in the middle of trail, Vaginal Countdown flopped down, on her back, spread her legs and exclaimed “man down!” Worth noting: that is not an exclamation but a command.

 

 

Virgin Queen was spotted on trail wearing a pair of jorts I lent him over two years ago. When I said I wanted him in my pants that is not what I meant.


Little Thunder Clap has been stress eating a lot lately. Apparently when he stepped on his scale last night it just said “over.” There go those free drinks at Freddie’s…

(LTC at McDonald’s after trail)

R,O,B! decided not to wear jorts to trail. Apparently he didn’t want to get his good clothes dirty.

(R,O,B! at Freddie’s after trail)

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was violated for exclaiming (while running by Costco) that his package is “economy size.” Save it for Freddie’s!

(Twinkle at Freddie’s after trail)


In The Gravy lived up to his hash name when he sharted on trail. And then proceeded to get spit on in circle during “Old McHasher.” Dude…


A violation/commendation for Just Tom: while I was waiting for beer, I heard him exclaim, “oh my god, that’s the second person that has squirted on me tonight!” Now that’s a good night!

 

Pubris was seen shaking her vagina to quote “air it out.” Uh….


Twinkle was bragging on Facebook about the fact that he ate Jamaican beef patties Wednesday night. Does 1 if by man 2 if by she know that you’re cheating on her with motor mouth?




And then we had an extra solemn occasion… a DOUBLE naming!

Just Julia and Just Holly are work wives; both are DCPS teachers, have exceptionally boring virginity stories, and have relatively useless Bachelor’s degrees. Just Holly hails from Altuna, Pennslyvania (ALLLLLL TUNA, ALLLLL THE TIME), loves granny panties, sharting over the phone during conference calls, and once slashed someone’s tires as a “dare” . Just Julia is from Raleigh, NC, almost got shanked by an octogenarian in a bar for drinking while “pregnant,” and once got invited to breakfast by a boy’s mom, mid-blowsie. Some names were thrown out– Granny Slammies and Munch and Brunch, Down Down and Tuna Town– but what really sealed the deal was when Just Julia admitted that she peed in front of her entire class in France and kept on teaching. I’m not up on my standards, but that’s gotta be the definition of exceptional teaching (emphasis on the exceptional part). A name, a holy name was thrown out: Tweedle Pee and Tweedle Cum, and the crowd went wild. Just Julia peed her pants, Just Holly sharted, they both had to don new jorts, and hence forth and forevermore….

We came. We jortsed. We spent three hours in McDonald’s playing “prostitute or homeless person?”

On-Pink Flamingos are the new Pink Elephants-on,

Mr. hEd

EWH3# 779: The Fifth (?) Anal Jorts Association of Arlington Trail Trash! 

Where: Pentagon City Metro (Blue/Yellow Line).  (Virginia Highland Park)

When: 6:45 PM Thursday July 11, 2013

HaresWhiskey Business, Cock Soup, Yule Log and a mystery hare.

 

On On On: Freddie’s Beach Bar and Restaurant

555 23rd Street South

Arlington, VA 22202

(703) 685-0555

This trail started on a hot Thursday evening in Arlington. The pack assembled at a corner near Virginia Highland Park. Our brew crewers managed to find a spot for Plan-B just a stones throw from sign in. The GM for the evening Colliteral Damage started off by introducing the virgins to the pack, just Ammy, Catherine, Graham, Rachel, Will, Andreas, Joe, Alex, Nina, Steph, and Ben. We had a few visitors Jugs and Prarie Doggin’. The hare representatives explained in advance how poorly the trail was laid and the pack may as well go home. But most of the pack stayed and after a song about a man with a shitty job and biracial children likely to byproducts of a cheating wife the pack was off.

 

The hares ran the pack through various parts of Arlington. The pack found Plan-B for a quick beer check at the top a hill, they were then sent off into Arlington to find Plan-B again under the railroad tracks in Crystal City. The pack hung out drinking and sweating in their jorts. The RA for the night Daisy Chain gathered up the pack and started circle beginning by violating the hares, reintroducing the virgins and visitors. Then it was time for violations!!

 

BrokeBack was violated for being deported, apparently she has to go fix malaria again.

Cum on My Buddy also violated for being deported, to Israel, aren’t ther enough problems there already.

Cum Dumpling and One if by Man two if By She were violated for bragging about pronounced bulges in their pants, her over sized clit and his swollen taint. Just because you need a specialized bycicle seat doesn’t make you cooler than everyone else.

-Anchor Spanker was violated for false advertisement; he was running in socks that said “Hung” and “Look” we all know this is a lie, If you want a witness talk to Yule Logs mother.

RG3some and Kindergarten Cock were violated for planning to pick up their third in their next three some by advertising at freddies by cutting Kindergarten Cocks Jorts as short as possible.

Lock Cock and Two smoking nostrils was violated for complaining about sand in her vag, Id suggest you put a towel down next time you get it on at the beach.

Fistopher Bullumbus was violated for skipping his auditions for the pirates of the Caribbean 8. Sweet facial hair kid.

Roof Rack was violated for failure to make eye contact with Just nick.

Just Nick was violated for doing most of his talking with his bouncing pecks.

 

 

Then it was time for the most solemn occasion of a naming. The lucky hasher to get on their knees this week was Just Casey. A little about Casey, she grew up in Herndon, went to Tomas Jefferson High, went to UVA where she was an econ major, works part time as a waitress, full time at Crapital One, was afraid to put things in her box until she was 20, lost her V-card to a guy she met at a bar who turned out to be a bouncer, is so mean she once pushed her sister into the water at mini golf, once hooked up with a frat guy during her time of the month and left her underwear behind, once passed out in the study lounge at her sorority house with a guy face down in her box, Rape and Spillage spilled pee on her once(hence his name), and allegedly peed on a cops shoes after being arrested (allegedly). There were some good names thrown out such as Day after Spill, Red Velvet Grope,  Funday Bloody Funday, but only one name was worthy of this hasher.  Forever more and throughout the world of hashing except (you know who you are) Just Casey will be known as Pee it Forward!!

And then the pack was Happy, Macho mugs were nowhere in sight and the pack made their way to Freddie’s for Karaoke.

 

On – My hash bag washed away -On

EWH3 Scribe

Little Thunder Clap

When: May 2, 2013

Where: Pentagon City Metro

Awesome Hares: Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, Please Step Away from the Whores, Don’t Ask Don’t Smell, Uno Dos tres LIFTOFF, Kandy Panties and maybe some mystery hares busy 69ing each other…

EWH3 turned 769 this week, and this drunken entity is not the only thing celebrating a birthday – cheers to Haystack’s, PSA’s, Mr. hEd’s, Uno, Trim Shady, Tend Her Loins, and a metric sh*t ton of others’ hashy Birthdays!

Trail #769 had a ton of Virgins on trail Justs: Josh, Jeff, Eric, Zack, Rachel, Ashley, Mark and Jacob were kind enough to join us. Transplant G.I. Hoe: Real American Zero is joining us for realsies – welcome and Dos Hixxies was visiting from Kansas – Howdy.

It was a hot sticky night for hashing. We made a circle (circles are round); Sang about Joe; and were off to enjoy the trail. Haystack and his merry gang of hares were kind enough to provide the pack with shots SEVEN SHOTS on trail. He worked hard to make as many 69s happen at the end of the night (cum-on it is almost funny).

The pack was rowdy…eh drunk and we had Violations:

  • Tragic Carpet Ride showed up in my dreams (now that is scary);
  • Haystack marked trail with his own piss (just cause it is your Birthday doesn’t mean you can forgo the use of flour);
  • Whiskey Business and his manorexic diet (too many calories in the shots);
  • Dr. Toolittle for frightening the uncut dogs (let them live the dream for a bit);
  • Pebbles 4 Pussy threw dingleberries at Grinding Nemo;
  • Red, White and Poo is excited for the new Washington Monument condom (bigger is not always better sweetheart);
  • Mr. hEd for stealing Joseph’s Technicolor dream coat and wearing it to hash;
  • Just Greg for being afraid to lose his virginity;
  • Twinkle Twinkle little Cock wants to pound all the black men underneath the 14th Street Bridge;
  • Osama Bin Hashing for showing up to hash not-nekkid; and
  • You Sucked My Battle Dick got lost on trail and she had a map (silly hare).

Then for those of few hashers that were still sober we had a very very special occasion – A NAMING. Just Karen is a tax attorney, went to Wellsley and Yale for law school, and once had sex with a Muslim (and the parents walked in – awkward). Speaking of getting caught Just Karen was once caught masturbating by a neighbor and thinks Sheldon Cooper and Edward Norton are hot. There were some good naming options: Panty-less in Seattle; Princess of Hersia; Panty Poppins; and Star Cock Radio. However the pack settled on…… henceforth and forever more throughout the world of hashing (except those guys) Just Karen will be known as Infadellatio.

Everybody was happy and we headed off to Freddie’s Beach Bar to karaoke like champs and outlandish the landish.

On-myheadisstillfuzzy-On,

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang
EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #570: 10th Anal Trail before Christmas Hash – Thursday, December, 17, 2009

 

Start: Pentagon City!

 

Hares: CoXXX on Demand, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, PoPo Disco, Put It Out & Mystery Hare

 

Virginis: Just Sarah (who is NOT single), Just JP, and Just Erin

 

OnOnOn: Tortise & Hare (though most of us know that’s code-name for Freddie’s)

 

If you were a small child at Pentagon Row on Thursday evening, you were treated to far more Christmas thrills than mere ice-skating.  What’s that around the corner?  Could that be one of Santa’s elves?  My is he old!  And, look, a reindeer!  OMFG it’s Santa!  But then some other, naughtier types showed- scantily clad, saying things you only heard when you walked in on Mommy and Daddy “wrestling”- and then the booze came out, and then your parents were rushing you to the car…

Yes, it was the 10th Anal Trail before Christmas Hash, and my was it festive!  The pack gathered at the Pentagon Row to sign in, drink spiked hot chocolate, and rummage through a variety of Santa hats.  Because Put It Out was a hare, the trail of course ran in circles throughout the South Arlington area- up parking and down parking garages, through shops, past confused and amused people.  Because it was EWH3 and anything but a perfectly straight trail, we got lost multiple times.  What fun!

 

There was a hot cider shot check atop one parking garage, and a beer check in a lot by Costco.  There was also a scribe at both checks, so come on people, speak up!  From the check the trail looped down to the Crystal City Shops- a barren wasteland of consumer products- seriously, one of the saddest malls I’ve seen, and I was recently at Landmark.  We meandered through the underground (heh) and then dashed up 23rd, past the OnOnOn to a parking lot for the end circle.

 

Violations:

 

Put It Out was able to reconcile his Peter Pan fetish with the Christmas theme by way of his green tights.

 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock instructed a lady looking for a pink Santa hat to go see the horny guy- very helpful description- it’s EHW3 that’s like directing her to go find the white guy.

 

Big Bendover gave us this night’s round of “What Was He Talking About?” Overheard snippet of conversation “…it’s always better after a douche…”

 

Mayonnaise on the Pooper expressed how she is unemployed, having to plan someone else’s wedding, and looking to get drunk- HINT guys, this one’s desperate!

 

Cum Dumpling just had to go and give the runners a few minutes warning before sending them off from the beer check…

 

Just Andy enjoyed all the “ins & outs” of the trail- of course he was referring to the tunnels, because we all know he wasn’t getting any.

 

Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me, Mayonnaise on the Pooper, and Underground Railroad are so old (how old are they?!) that they were getting nostalgic about the GRE.

 

Pee Wee’s Little Adventure and Big Dig received that night’s inappropriate Christmas-themed pick-up line: Big Dig asked and Santa-suited Pee Wee if she could be Santa, to which he replied, “No, but Santa can be inside of you.”  Class, class, class.

 

Oops, I Blew Him Again has sworn off driving since every time she gets behind the wheel a naked penis winds up erect in her car.

 

Roll Over, Bitch! Was dying to change his pink Santa hat to a red one because it “matched his sweater better,” confirming his preoccupation with color coordination over getting laid (or possibly preparing for Freddie’s?)

 

ChippenFails was overheard saying “Oh man, assholes.  There’s nothing better than smelly assholes!” on trail- enough said.

 

Violations from the Crowd: happened, but this scribe’s hearing was impaired by alcohol.

 

And then there was a naming!  Or wait, an attempted naming!  Seriously, I am three for three with failed namings, from cops to throw backs.  So what happened this week?  Well, Just Nikki is from Remington, Washington.  She went to George Mason to major in biology.  She has never done anything mean in her life- hmmm.  She lost her virginity at age 16 while watching Steel Magnolias.  That’s correct, during Steel Magnolias she decided she wanted to lose it so made her then-boyfriend run 5 miles to go get a condom- he must be a hasher somewhere.  She once had a one-night-stand on a school trip, got drunk, and told her professor about it.  Wild!

 

Some suggestions:

 

P-P-P-Poker Face

Cherry Poppin’ Ten Miler

Remington Steel

Prefontaine Ejaculation

16 Love Handles

Fetus Bueller

Small Hands on Deck

Cream Me Up Scottie

Pursuing Her Cocktorate

Magnum Cum Loud

 

As you can see, we were really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, and so decided to throw Just Nikki back.  I appropriately told her to take this night to get very drunk, make some bad decisions, and have some better material for next time.  I wonder if she did…she sure didn’t take my hint and see me at the bar…

 

Of course the OnOnOn, both T&H and Freddie’s consisted of much karaoke, beer, appletinis, and ass-slapping.

 

-Cum & Knock On My Back Door

 

EWH3 #545 – The Jorts Association of Arlington Hash, Pentagon City

Hares:  Cum and Knock on my Back Door, PeeWee’s Little Adventure, Silly Gay Virus, Put It Out (aka Father Time)

Brew Crew:  Brokeback Mama, Marco Homo

Virgins:  Just: Adrian, Amanda B, Amanda J, Chris, David, Derek, Heidi, Jacob, Jamie, Jason, Jennifer F, Jennifer T, Jillian, Kelly, Laura, Mai, Megan, Melinda, Michael, Partin, Tony, Trevor, William

Visitors:  Tiger Woody (Azerbaijan H3), Beaker Stroker, Just Timothy Silly

Analversaries:  Dyke Tyson—69 hashes

Ononon:  Tortoise and Hare

The pack gathered in a field just past Pentagon City Mall, after getting in on the pickup soccer games going on.  We were all supposed to wear jorts, but since someone didn’t mention in the trail news that there was a theme, pretty much the only people wearing jorts were the hares, so they looked even gayer than usual.  We proceeded on a long, circuitous route through Arlington.  I would tell you about the trail, but I can’t tell you.  That part of Arlington around Pentagon City, Crystal City, and points slightly south all looks the same to me—too many gray office buildings with high walls.  It was basically, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, concrete, walls, stairs, paved courtyard, and so on.  That is, until we came right back to Pentagon City Mall, and had to go through it and come out the other side.  Some people may have gone in through the Metro or the Nordstrom entrance, but a few of us decided to run through the Ritz-Carlton.  All the miles of running on and through hot, grey concrete were worth it just to feel that sweet, sweet air conditioning in the hotel and mall, and to see the looks on the hotel guests’ faces as we thundered by.  Scaring rich people is my favorite hobby, don’t ya know.  Not long after that, we found ourselves at the first beer check, in a secluded grassy area.

 We took off rather quickly, ran up and down some hills, until we got to the base of a long, steep hill, which most people would normally walk up.  However, there was a pretty good incentive to run:  Jello shots.  And no wimpy vodka jello shots on this trail; nope, these jello shots were made with bourbon.  Tasty, tasty bourbon.  WIN.  All liquored up, we made our way to a big house in South Arlington, home of three of the hares, where we had yet another beer check.  This beer check didn’t just have beer—it had a slip ‘n’ slide.   Best. Trail. Ever.  (Well, best trail that doesn’t involve Marion Barry, anyway.)  After many many turns on the slip ‘n’ slide, the pack, soaking wet and covered in baby oil, headed back north towards Crystal City, past 395, and to the on-in, under some railroad tracks to drink again, some more. 

 Violations:

  • Roll Over, Bitch! forgot to mention the jorts theme, thus missing an opportunity to ogle dozens harriettes in Daisy Dukes.  You’re doing it wrong.
  • The hares only took a 10-minute head start because they wanted to get their pants pulled down.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock was wearing a pair of jorts made from what I’m pretty sure is the exact same pair of Guess? jeans that I had when I was in 8th grade.  In his case, it means Guess which gender he is, when you look at him from behind.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler and Dr. Boner were both wearing new drinking vessels.  Pittsburgh Kneeler’s were so new, she bought them en route to trail.
  • While some people wear their hearts on their sleeves, Kandy Panties wore his sleeve on his head.
  • Doesn’t Pull Out and I Manual Cunt 69’d each other on the slip ‘n’ slide.  No wonder EWH3 is the gayest hash ever.
  • Michael J. Fucks refused to do Jello shots on the grounds that they’re “not [her] style.”  Come on, you know you can find your inner sorwhority girl.
  • Double Ohh Positive was talking religion and politics on trail: While most people wouldn’t turn down oral in the Oval Office, he’d prefer Oral Roberts.
  • Gaystation took the red shot and exclaimed, “This tatsts like my Dad!”  Incest is best, it’s a game the whole family can play!
  • Just Stephanie complained that she got too much head.  How can there possibly be such a thing?
  • Just Brittany tried to auto-hash by humping the hood of a van.  You’re doing it wrong, but at least you’re doing it entertainingly.
  • Fat Friends in Wet Places stole Unobtainium’s shirt.  Isn’t it cute when couples wear each other’s clothing?
  • Piss on Me lost his bitch to a walker.  Sometimes, ladies like when guys move slow.
  • Cute Lesbian in Training continued her training by eating Cunt of the Litter’s cream.

 Violations from the Crowd:

  • CLIT only got to second base on the slip ‘n’ slide.
  • Motormouth tried to get some harriettes to grab onto his “branch” while going through shiggy.  Sorry, dude, you’re not black enough to convincingly pull that off.
  • Assflac complained that Wax On, Whacks Off hadn’t brought enough women into opening circle for “Hi, My Name Is Joe.”  WOWO pulled him in, resulting in a circle that may not have been filled with women but was filled with bitched
  • PeeWee’s Little Adventure got kicked out of a beer garden in Germany for wearing the poor man’s lederhosen. 
  • Tits for Tots “saved the best for herself.”  Well, OF COURSE I do.  There are a lot of attractive harriettes out there. A girl’s gotta hold her own somehow.
  • Edgar Allan Ho didn’t want to get wet.
  • To the contrary, she did want to get wet, just not by Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock.
  • Whore Crimes must not be doing his job, if Twinkle, Twinkle Little Cock has to offer to get Edgar Allan Ho wet.
  • Peace O’Chum  was all raceist and ran the Pike’s Peak Marathon.
  • Ass Spelunker  was a different kind of raceist; he won the Beer Mile.

Then we had a NAMING!

Just Kate hails from Oakland, CA, and attended Georgetown University, where she studied Middle East history.  She currently raises funds for the American Geophysical Foundation, but is about to start a new job as an administrative contractor at the Pentagon.  Just Kate lost her virginity at age 16 in her bedroom, to her high school boyfriend.  She has since had sex in a yellow Volkswagen Beetle with a flower on the dashboard, been caught shagging by US Park Police, who told her then-paramour to “give her four walls and a roof,” and turned multiple boyfriends gay.  Just Kate likes it rough, and her favorite position is something called, “ankles to ears.”  She is currently dating Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, so expect him to come out of the closet imminently.

 Someone suggested “High Noon,” which didn’t receive all that enthusiastic of a reception, but then another wanker nominated Ankles Away, and the crowd went so wild, we didn’t need to hear any more.  Game over!

That naming went so quickly that we were going to name another Just, but he’d disappeared, so we went to the on-on-on, drank more beer, sang karaoke, and tried to get laid… which, come to think of it, may not go so well with karaoke. 

On-slip-n-slide-on,

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe