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Where: Smithsonian Metro (Blue, Orange and Silver lines)

Hares: Ginger Snatch, All Flash No Drive, Hungry Hungry Homo, Stain Gretzky, Strange Ground Chuck

On After: Molly Malone’s

With summer tourist season reaching its peak of freshness, your fellow hashers decided to stink up the place a bit with a tour of the National Mall and Capitol Hill.

While some of us are bonafide locals, others still have a way to go, including:

  • Our virgins — Justs Noah, Mike, Rob, Scott, Sonya and Will — who confused the Capitol for the White House.
  • Our transplant — Cums Early Cums Often — who kept asking where the stores on the Mall are.

And these guys who said or did stupider shit than saying their flight was out of Ronal Reagan airport or standing on the left side of an escalator:

  • Missed Her Bush — who was overhead on trail saying, “I always lead from behind, that’s what my boss tells me anyway.”
  • Head Shart — whose bruised ass shows that they share the same boss.
  • Pooples Mountain Majesty — shared an important protip to DC locals and tourists alike … while you can go commando on the Metro, you cannot go shirtless.
  • Tony Panda — discovered last week that sharks don’t like the taste of pandas
  • RPI — found out that you can indeed become born again, literally. He looked as slick and shiny and mucous-y as a new born babe
  • PSA — Unsurprisingly went to all 3 grateful dead shows last week. Didn’t know you could buy season tickets to a band.
  • You Sucked My Battledick — had a pathetic slap fight with PSA at beer check. Apparently it was over whether the Grateful Dead can ever musical chairs. They can’t. Because they never stop.
  • Aunt Vagina’s Maple Syrup — was caught on trail asking hash flash to take a picture of a red bush. So which gingers was dropping trou?

We also took some time to celebrate a very solemn occasion for Just Francisco; an actual Washingtonian who used to hose off hash marks from his driveway in Arlington as a kid. He is a geographer and DJ and professional frisbee player who likes talking out of his about his ass. He lost his virginity doggy style on a ski trip in Canada. A cleaning lady once saw him cleaning his hairy ass after sharting at work. He came on a girl’s chest on a baseball field during a school dance and still feels bad about it.

For these reasons and others we don’t want to think about — like the outcome of the anal sex napkin bet — please welcome, Anals in the Outfield.

Saying whatever to presidential motorcades,

Mambo # Hives

Where: Smithsonian Metro

When: March 21, 2013

Hares:  Mursey F*ck, Wookin Pa Nub, One Hitter Quitter, Survival of the Spittest and Pulp Friction  

It was beyond cold and there were no cherry blossoms in sight but a few brave hashers sporting their pink pride showed up to run and walk the heck out of this trail. A trio of virgins Just Patrick, Just Matt, and Just Robert came out. These boys must be from Alaska to start their hashing careers on such a freezing night! We watched a glorious sunset on the mall while we sang a song about Joe through chattering teeth and were off.

Humpty, Humpty Homo and Tumble Cry were our beverage captains for the night – thanks guys! Daisy Chain led a short and sweet circle that included violations:

  • Planet of the Rapes and Pulp Friction wore racist attire to trail. They both know better but since the runs involved glow in the dark fun and underwear we almost forgive them!
  • Mursey F*ck insisted on wearing his green St. Paddy’s Day sequin headband to trail. We know you just can’t let go of your favorite drinking holiday. It is okay man – you can take off your headband now.
  • On trail Roof Rack shared that she is just so uncomfortable with the string. Trust me tampons are not that complicated!
  • S&Mom was violated for tea-bagging that resulted in a damp headlamp. I’m just going to leave that one alone.
  • Kindergarten Cock was invited into the circle for a very special violation for Hells Anal. Hells Anal blushes, giggles and pretty much turns bright pink when ladies grab their cherry blossoms in front of her. The Harrietts in circle were very all too happy to oblige.
  • On trail Honeynut Queerios shared that he owns a device called Little John that allows him to urinate in his car on the way to work. Now we know who buys stuff from TV at 3:00 am in the morning. (We bet you have a Sham Wow and a super-sized snuggie at home too!)
  • Refusing to apologize for the weather (wait isn’t it Daisy Chain’s fault) Don’t Ask Don’t Smell told everyone that it was warm in his *ss! (Was that an invitation?)
  • Just Molly brought her own pig to hash (a snazzy pig hat) instead of finding a (male) pig at the hash.
  • Blows a Tranny and Mr.hEd were late to trail because Tranny wanted to have sex first (acceptable hash behavior).
  • Tragic Carpet Ride (we almost made it an entire hash without a Tragic violation) was violated for farting to keep the ladies warm (there are better ways to keep the ladies warm – so many better ways).
  • One Hitter Quitter was violated for Wine Bukaki (all over his face).

To finish up the speed circle round we had (all together now kids) a naming! Just Lamar is from Florida, has a Ph.D., works in nanotechnology, and lost his virginity at 18. His worst BJ story involved a crying lady and he is into nude water polo. Once his college roommate walked in on him when he was busy tuning his fork (if you know what I mean). The campus police once pulled him over on his bike to see if he had stolen it (profiling?). We had some good naming options: Racial Pedal-philing, Slob-n-Sob, Tears for Queers and Blow Woman No Cry. However, we got a late entry from Dildo Shaggins so henceforth throughout the world of hashing (except those guys – F them!) Just Lamar will be known as Facial Profiling.

Everyone was happy as we skipped all the way to Remington’s for more beverages, awesome karaoke (Tragic charmed the pants off of the karaoke guy), extra olives, feats of strength and more.

On-SoOverWinter-On,

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang

EWH3 Scribe