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When: March 12, 2015

Where: Stadium-Armory (Blue/Orange/Silver lines)

Weather: Warm-ish, finally. Around 50 degrees F.

Hares: Jew With a Dragon Tattoo, Eat My Sharts, Penis Flytrap, Bitch Please, 4 Whores and 7 Rears Ago, I’m Tho Thor, There’s a Clap for That

Virgins: Just Maddie

Visitors: Clit Hanger, Merica Fuck Me, Pooples Mountain Majesty, Uncle Bad Touch

On After: Molly Malone’s

They say there is gold at the end of the rainbow, but all the evening brought was shiggy, beer and sandwiches, which is actually is richness in hashers’ eyes.

We also weren’t poor in people having some poor luck on trail:

  • Dr Too Little must have gone down on a balding leprechaun with that big green merkin on her head.
  • How I Met My Brother’s legs caught the attention of some trail treasure, only to discover they were in high school.
  • Infidellatio was heard telling Jew-Cock-A to paper bag it, right in front of the STD clinic. Perfect timing.
  • Speaking of the STD clinic, the Hares-provided green shot check is actually the color of their pee. Get that checked out!
  • Yellow Line confused mustard with lube. Prime that meat, indeed.
  • Red White and Poo actually said its not her job to be funny. She paid us back with a trail-inspired limerick.
  • With zero context, Sorest Rump uttered, “Uncle Bad Touch.” That seems to be something (or person) we should report to the authorities.
  • Slothy Seconds lost a game of slap the bag, leaving her all covered in something green and sticky. To the STD clinic!
  • Just Maddie celebrated her birthday and can now drink legally.

It was a lucky night and very solemn occasion for Just Alissa. She grew up in Ohio, keeps going back to school for more degrees and has a lot of stories that actually begin with, “this one time at band camp.” One of those times was a slip n’ fall (fail?) while going down on a guy in the shower. She also prefers long hair, on every part of the body. But don’t forget that one, fateful Dec. 31st where the clock tolled midnight and instead of kiss, all she got was shit … in her pants. Happy Poo Year, indeed.

Always magically delicious,

Mambo # Hives

EWH3# 837: Betty Ford Relapse Trail 6:45 PM Thursday, July 3, 2014 – Stadium-Armory Metro (Blue/Orange)
 
WhenThursday July 3, 2014
 
Where: Stadium-Armory Metro (Orange/Blue Line)
 
Hares: Red Vag of Courage, 6 Pigs in a Blanket, Uno Dos Tres LIFTOFF!, Don’t Ask Don’t Smell, Bless Me Father for I have Rimmed, Sphincter Shy, Big Bendover, Road Kill, Fail Her Poon, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Chipnfailz
Miscellaneous Crap: Lots of shots and drunken tomfoolery.
Weather: Rain. Lots of rain. 
Ononon: Trusty’s, the greatest bar in the world!
Virgins: Just Dave, Just Wyatt, Just Lorense, Just Emily, Just Peter, Just Enrique, and Just Chris

Visitors: Red Rocket (Monterey CA), Crooner Screwher (San Diego)
Sooooo, in case you missed it/blacked out, we got busted by the strippers last week. I guess that’s what happens when you circle up in the middle of a street that cars drive on. In memory of Black Monday, we are going to go over some basic protocol. This is DC’s finest:
When not eating ice cream, they’re rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice.

 

What not to do when they decide to talk to us:

AND
AND ESPECIALLY
What you should do instead is more along the lines of
“I’ll just be going now….”
AND
“I was never here.”
When in doubt, just follow the crowd in the direction of the bar. Learn from Whiskey Business’ mistakes.
And then once you’re safe and sound at the bar, resume all of your normal shenanigans (but make sure you tip and don’t steal things).
On- who let the strippers out?!- On,
Mr. hEd

EWH3# 778: The America’s Birthday Trail! – Stadium-Armory Metro (Blue-Orange Line)

When: 1 PM Thursday July 4, 2013

Where: Stadium-Armory Metro (Blue/Orange Line)

Hares: Uno Dos Tres Liftoff! and friends

On On On: Casa de UNO and Don’t Ask Don’t Smell

 

This trail started on a hot and sunny day in DC the perfect setting for a trail on the birthday of ‘Murica 2013. The pack gathered at a park just off Potomac ave where the brew crew, Cum Dumpling and Pinoki Ho, managed to park Plan-B. The GM for the evening Colliteral Damage started off by introducing the virgins to the pack,  Just Ghada, Erica, Morgan, Stephanie, Kyrie, Paula, Kelly, Jessica, Meghan, Allegra, Jeff, Tyler, Alicia and Nate. Damage introduced some visitors too, Anal Beads, Mouthful of Bush, Pretty Fly for a Rabbi, Just Cupcakes, Broke Back Dyke, Donald Dick, Stick it in my Socket and Seamen Service.

Doubling as the hare representative Colliteral Damage explained how bad the trail was and people may as well go to the National Mall and get seats for the fireworks now, but most of the pack stayed anyway. She then lead us in a song about a man who had to work in a button factory on the fourth of July, then the pack was off.

 

The trail was short and sweet (like my wiener ) dead ending at the back door to Don’t ask Don’t Smell and Uno Dos Tres Liftoffs(our GM and Brew Meister)  place. The group quickly took to the beverages in the coolers and cooled down as best they could. After a good long break the RA for the afternoon Daisy Chain gathered up the pack and started circle as they drank and stuffed hotdogs and hamburgers in their mouths. She started by violating the hares Don’t ask Don’t Smell and Uno Dos Tres Liftoff, then reintroducing the virgins and reminding us that we have some weird visitors. Then it was time for violations!!

 

Fister Robuto was violated after he informed others he was too cheap to buy r*nning shorts with a pocket above the rear and would rather continue to hide things in his rear.

Rape and Spillage was violated after he was hear saying “I haven’t been squirted on like that in a while” after he was sprayed with a hose.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock was violated for saying jorts don’t give a rash because hes built up calluses in his groin area.

Hamaphrodites and Unicorns was violated for wearing spandex on trail that failed to keep his prolapsed rectum in check.

 

Then it was time for the most solemn occasion of a naming. The first lucky hasher to get down on their knees this crowd was just Jeremy.  A little about Jeremy does something for the Govt. he doesn’t want to talk about, (its ok we don’t want to know about the sexual requests those senators make), he went to OK state, hes a Sooners fan, his degree is in micro biology, once passed out while receiving, and once had sex on the metro(Glitty Clitty do you know this kid?). The rest was vague and uninteresting, there were a handful of names were thrown out but only one name worthy of this hasher was found. Forever more and throughout the world of hashing except (you know who you are) Just Jeremy will be known as Water Boring!!

 

What could be better to follow a naming you ask?? Another naming that’s what!!! The next hasher to be named on this day was Just Matt. Just Matt was short on details and stories but a few important things, he grew up in the armpit of America(NJ), he attended the University of NewHaven and received a degree in mechanical Technology, he is currently working for the US Navy as a SeaBee, he will soon be leaving us for China(good riddance), he once had a long conversation with a lady boy in Thailand before he figured out he wasn’t talking to a lady, was once bitten while receiving oral, and was once caught with a girl on the couch by his parents. The crowd had a few good names to offer including Fister Act, Basic Flaming, Scars and Bites, Charley, and Bulk Head. But there was only one name worthy of this hasher, Forever more and throughout the world of hashing except (you know who you are) Just Matt will be known as Ambiguous Assault !!

 

And then the pack was Happy. The pack continued to hang out and drink until all the beverages and food were gone.

 

On – Happy Fourth!!! -On

EWH3 Scribe

Little Thunder Clap

Drama Free Trail EWH3# 774 Trail Trash: Thursday June 6, 2013- Stadium-Armory

Where: Stadium-Armory (Blue and Orange Line) NORTH EXIT; Follow marks to start.

When: 6:45 PM Thursday June 6, 2013.

Hares: Chippen Failz, Chestnuts, Purple Peter Eater, Whore Crimes, Red Vag of Courage

Weather: H82; L72; 10% chance of rain, wind SSE at 12mph.

On On On: Trustys.

This trail started on a shitty rainy day at the armory metro station. The pack gathered under the trees on the common in front of the Armory. Our creepy bag van Plan-B driven by Tumble Cry and Corndog Millionaire circled the area until they found a good location to load up, not far from sign in. We circled up and our GM for the evening Colliteral Damage started by introduced our virgins just Kyle, Duncan, John, Peter, Evan, Jeff, Jessica, and Aarian. With no visitors we moved on to the hare rep Red Vag of Courage, she told the pack how they would make an attempt at a trail and thoroughly eff the pack. She then sang a song about a man in a button factory and the pack was off.

The pack circled around the stadium and armory. Stopping along the way for a short swim out to a beer check on an island, or peninsula or some land mass at least partially surrounded by water from what I saw of it. After giving the hares a ten minute lead and drinking all the warm cans of beer, the pack made its way to the mainland and back on trail. The pack eventually found Plan B under a bridge along the Anacostia, which was a good break from the rain. The pack changed out of wet clothes and readied for circle.

Religious Advisor for the night Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me circled up the crowd with probably the worst bear bitch ever Wookin Pa Nub handing out beverages to violators. The hares were violated for their shitty trail and the virgins were re-introduced to the hash. Then it was time for Violations!!!

Cock-A-Doodle-Do-Me was violated for being a bad RA and letting it rain on us, also for stealing a Tuff Mudder T-shirt from a middle-aged woman.

Uno Dos Tres Liftoff was violated for getting in Just Casey to finish faster than he expected.

Tragic Carpet Ride was violated for his most recent dating blog article “what to bring to a first date” there were only two items on the list of things to bring, a rag and chloroform.

Please Step Away was violated for auto hashing and being a dick and not giving me a ride to the on after.

CoXXX on Demand had a safety violation; he was seen throwing full beers at the first beer check.

Just Randy was not violated but thanked for breaking the stereotype that black people can’t swim.

Cocktologist was violated after she changed out of her wet running gear and was heard saying “I only have wet pink” Shes got a dirty mouth that one.

-The Hares were Violated for planning a Biathlon rather than a hash and leading the pack across open water without a safety swimmer present.

After a few violations from the crowd we then began our solemn occasion of a naming!!

Just Greg was the poor bastard who was lucky enough to be named this week. Just Greg filed us in on some of the boring details that are in his online dating profile, that he went to UVA, hes a corporate whore at a major bank, and loves Brazilian chicks( who doesn’t?) Craig explained how he supposedly lost his virginity to a “girl” he met at party after he took her home. He told us about what a little bastard he was a kid like the time he hog tied his brother and left him in the basement and when he took a dump on another frat guys doorstep. With enough fodder the has started off with some good names like Welcome Shat, Game of Bones, Pay-Lay, and Rio-De-Ja-Zero. But a hasher this classy deserves a name that’s memorable or horrific. Yeah, lets go with horrific. Forever more and throughout the world of hashing except (you know who you are) Just Greg will be known as Oh-Aids!!

And then the pack was Happy, Macho mugs were had and the pack made their way through the drizzle to the on after.

EWH3 Scribe

Little Thunder Clap

Hares: Cum of a Preacher’s Hand, Brokeback Mama, Meals on Wheels, Rusty Trombone, and 8mm.
Brew Crew: I Manual Cunt
Virgins: Just John, Robin, Jill, Brett, Kate, Dwyler, Dion, Marcus and Ben
Visitors: No visitors were stupid enough to run this trail
Analversaries: Marco Homo (Brew Crew Jersey), Uncle Tom’s Stabbin (17), Have Fun Storming the Asshole (17), Rusty Trombone (17) and
A-Salt My Ass (69)
OnOnOn: The Ugly Mug

We circled up, performed the normal rituals and then the hares came into the middle to tell us how short, flat, dry and well laid this trail was.  They then proceeded to mess up our opening song “Hi, My Name is Joe.”  Apparently this song is so complicated for these hares that they can’t remember it, in spite of the fact that we sing it every week!

How the first section of trail was I can’t really say because I zenned most of it with a couple of other hashers that had spotted trail on their way to opening circle.  We picked up trail and eventually the FRBs from caught up to us and we rejoined the pack.  After running with the pack for less than a mile trail sort of just disappeared.  After some aimless wondering by the pack, the harerazor, Roll Over, Bitch!, informed us the shot check was supposed to be near the corrections center and that he was going to lead us there.  Many howls of “But that’s 14 blocks away!  Can’t you just lead us to beer check?” were heard from many members of the pack.

On our way to the corrections center not a single mark was seen… once we were there we didn’t see any shot check either.  RO,B! looked around confused claiming “Well, shot check was supposed to be here!”  While we didn’t see any shots we did find a check and proceeded to get back on trail.  Eventually we found the shot check (about a half a mile away) and the hares manning it blamed the lack of trail on some freak rain storm… I never saw any rain on trail… just sayin…

While there actually were marks to be found after the shot check, they really weren’t all that useful when it came to following the actual trail… For example at one point we were true-trailed into a BT, which you had to blow through in order to pick up trail again.  Yeah that made sense… In spite of everything most of the pack did actually make it to the beer check, although from the stories I heard I don’t think ANYONE (other than, maybe, the hares) accomplished this feat by actually following trail!

The trail from beer check to the end was less eventful. Of course I pretty much followed Presidential Nasty into the end who may or may not have actually been following trail, so what the fuck do I know?  Now onto the details:

Violations:

  • The hares were bragging about how well laid the trail was during the opening circle.  None of these hares have laid ANYTHING well in their lives, this trail was no exception!
  • Hair Cuntery wore matching shoes and shorts to the hash.  He even made up a song about it.  I’m sure he’ll have his own show on Bravo soon enough.
  • Motor Mouth jumped Hair Cuntery for screaming “white flour!” Motor had no right to be offended because, as we all know, he isn’t really black.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack got peed on by a dog at the beginning of trail.  In a completely unrelated violation Have Fun Storming the Asshole did a down-down for owning a gay dog that’s into watersports.
  • People were questioning whether Double Ohhh, Positive was really a man after he had to urinate three times on the first half of walkers trail.
  • Fecal Attraction was complaining that his ass was so sore he couldn’t sit down.  In another completely unrelated violation, FA’s girlfriend, Just Elyse, recently threw her back out and had an unlikely story about how she did it.  (Something about walking to work in sneakers…)
  • The hares decided to “lay” a choose your own adventure trail.  I use “lay” in the loosest sense of the word here…
  • Muff the Magic Dragon can’t tell if something is hard or soft.
  • Eat Your Vegetables was wearing new shoes.  I’m sure they gave his down-down that little extra something.
  • Put It Out was at Freddies last week complaining that his drink didn’t come with an umbrella, so the bartender made him a “purple pussy” (umbrella included).  No word on whether or not PIO got the bartenders phone number.

 

Then we had a special occasion… a naming! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Vicki went to school at James Madison University, home of the Dukes.  She was finance major who is currently unemployed.  (Upon hearing Just Vicki’s employment status the crowd cheered.)  Her favorite farmyard animal is the rabbit and her favorite sexual position is ‘reverse wheelbarrow.’  After some discussion within the circle it was determined that reverse wheelbarrow was a lot like regular wheelbarrow except that the girl is facing the ceiling instead of the floor.

When asked for an embarrassing sexual story Just Vicki told us about the time she burned her ass on the dryer while having a threesome with her roommate and some guy in the laundry room.  In another story her and a guy she was with were interrupted during sex when another couple walked in naked wanting to join them.  (According to Just Vicki this other couple was turned down.)  When someone in crowd asked how often she gets propositioned for group sex, Just Vicki replied “Isn’t that just another Monday?”

Just Vicki can’t read (go JMU!) and therefore doesn’t have any favorite authors.  She had no idea what the meanest thing she had ever done was either.  We did learn that she gave her first blow job at the age of 16 and that her current roommate is sleeping with a married guy.

The crowd came up with the following nominations for Just Vicki:

  • Delecunt Cycle
  • Cunt by Numbers
  • Dry Fuck Only
  • Downy Fresh
  • Two Girls One Cycle
  • Choo Choo
  • Sit-n-Spin
  • Minage a wash
  • Poonmate Wanted
  • Burn to be Wild


The laundry theme was strong and at the end Just Vicki was christened Swing Cycle in reference to her burned ass and her apparent commitment to a non-monogamous lifestyle.  We broke circle, went to ononon, drank and tried to get laid.   Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were.

Until next time…

On on,

Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe