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When: February 27, 2020
Where: Francis Scott Key Park, Georgetown (Rosslyn Metro)
Hares: Throbbin’ Hood, Mourning Wood, Jigglytits, Poon Tang Clan
Virgins: Several, all decisively half-minded

So there we were, holy hellfire shit, all set to celebrate RuPaul’s return on NOT a hashing night and the no-doubt-imminent return of the Drag Race stans to our hashy fold… but DC’s winter decided to give us our toughest challenge yet (at least in 2020), and as a result we learned who the most dedicated queens were as we met/huddled/penguined at Francis Scott Key Memorial Park near Georgetown.

The anthem was an OG drag anthem. It’s in the cannon.

Deep Anal Horizon joined hares Mourning Wood and Throbbin’ Hood in bravely donning his finest, flowiest attire for the trail, while the rest of pack’s no-doubt-excellent drag attempts were buried under layers of warm clothing… right guys?

Mmhmm.

After a short and rousing starting circle in which the hare representative told us several lies and at least one truth and Joe’s tongue got stuck to a metal pole, pack dodged e x p e n s i v e traffic and headed north. On the zig-zaggy way to beer check, pack encountered Cum Dumpling‘s Sink Hole, performed a scenic tour of Georgetown’s finest dead-end alleys, were foiled by a Back Check in the middle of a wildly bougie housing area, and were elaborately and roundaboutly foiled by a check that was hiding inside a s p o o k y park. (Nobody wants to break a heel, I get it.)

Opt out.

Beer check was longer than pack liked and much shorter than sweep hare would have liked, but after pouring several down our throats in honor of DC’s Female Union Band Society, pack quickly bounded away and headed back down the hill. After a much more straightforward, less check-y, and less getting lost-y second trail half, we circled up under Francis Scott Key’s memorial bridge (so fancy) and had a chilly, melodic conversation about what we thought of the hares.

Praise the Lawd it’s over.

Highlights from circle included:

  • Commemorating Tuck Tuck Deuce‘s 369th run with Everyday is Wednesday as we dined like queens on cold fries ‘n’ apple pies
  • A moment of silence in memory of Slumcock Anywhere, a former EW hasher who recently heard G’s whistle and followed trail on-up
  • Special Head Kid and Heaven’s Gape were commended for their ability to always be on the wrong side of the fence
  • While on trail, your humble scribe sighted a beautiful convertible on trail with the license plate “OH LA LA.” When polling the crowd about which hasher seemed most likely to operate such an ostentatious vehicle, the answer was unanimously 9021Ho.

Thus feted, we quickly scooted our cold yet elegant butts over to Church, where we all took off our stilettos to battle our way to the bar through a veritable sea of suits, the likes of which the world has not seen (since the last RNC convention probably).

Move ur suited asses away from my alcohol source, ladies.

On-dibs on next drag trail during higher temps-on,

Jigglytits~

When: October 15, 2015

Where: Union Station (Red line)

Hares: All Flash No Drive, Colliteral Damage, 1 if by Man 2 if by She, Daisy Chain, Fire in the Hole, Hell’s Anal, You Sucked my Battledick

In honor of the anniversary of the yearly Pretty Pretty Princess Trail, here are five things you need to know:

1. Said hello to our virgins, just as the royal court likes them: Justs Joe, Dave, Jeff, Jenny, Danielle, Brennan, Joe 2, Chris, Jessie, and Colin.

2. And extended hospitality to our visitor: Skids Around

3. Said get a life to: Uno, Dos, Tres LIFTOFF!, Tuck Tuck Deuce, Sphincter Shy, and 1 If By Man, 2 If By She

4. Called in the court jester for:

  • RPI — who was confused about how to walk the dog so he needed an extra hand.
  • Rosetta Bone — who described what turns her on: cheese fried in bacon grease
  • The hares — for our tour of Capitol Hill being everything Congress is not: was straight, uncomplicated, and led by women.
  • Vladimir Fruitin — who complained said that on hash days she sticks to a liquid diet, vodka. So everyday is a hashing day?

5. And we held a very solemn occasion for Just Morgan, of the “college of knowledge.” She definitely didn’t go to dental school as dry sockets and blow jobs are not the best combination. But she just loves giving head! On road trips to Ohio, and on bean bag chairs used by homeless dudes. So please give s round of applause to Jizzdom Tooth.

Who, by the way, was named by a visiting virgin, Just Colin. We couldn’t like this miracle pass us by, so please also welcome The Immaculate Ejaculation.

On, I wear a tiara every day, On —

Mambo # Hives

When: April 9, 2015

Where: Judiciary Square (Red line)

Weather: 50-ish and drizzly.

Hares: All Flash No Drive, Colliteral Damage, GeriatricMandering, Head Injury, Infidellatio, YOCO

Virgins: Just Jessica, Just Josh, Just Rick, Just Trevor

Visitors: Rocky Mountain Oysters, Skips Virgins for Dick

On After: Kelly’s Irish Times

Need an excuse for not finishing your taxes on time? Here are some ready-made ones courtesy of your fellow hashers.

  • You were called to court for littering, just like Daisy Chain.
  • You got pink eye for forgetting it goes in the mouth, just like Hungry Hungry Homo.
  • You became obsessed with the concept of “letting it soak,” just like Slothy Seconds.
  • You were caught for indecent exposure, just like Rocky Mountain Oysters.
  • Or for proudly showing off your footlong, just like Manned Parenthood.

Already spent my refund,

Mambo # Hives

When: March 26, 2015

Where: Tysons Corner (Silver line)

Weather: A preview of things to cum, low 70s and early-evening rain storm

Hares: Jew-Cock-A, Pinnochi-Ho, Vladamir Fruitin’, Just Mauricio, Just Elana, Sorest Rump, Around the World in 80 Lays

Virgins: Just Duke, Just Dave , Just Marcus , Just Chris, Just Laurissa

Visitors: Butt Check, Master Baster

On After: Chics n Wings

9a965ec3fff91129d05d40fe2b5e22d1

It rained and poured on 55 flashy hashers
A mall, parking lots for 55 trashy hashers
Nearly drove those city kids crazy, crazies
E-dub takes Tysons

Rise and shine and blame the R.A., hey hey
Rise and shine and have an IPA, hey hey
Rise and shine and here are violays, hey hey
E-dub takes Tysons

  • Red White and Poo & You Can’t Handle The Poop talked shop on trail about their love of food poisoning. The only person who should actually shooting the shit on trail is Free Little Willy’s dog.
  • And God said to some of our elders on the walkers trail: gather the hashers two by two … to the nearest bar.
  • But then again, our R.A., RPI, and the hares forgot the ark!
  • Just Duke left behind Uno, Dos, Tres LIFTOFF!’s lanyard, which is something she could certainly use to punish him for stealing her mug.
  • Have You Blown My Stapler took a nice big swig of his own pee, even though he assured us it was just beer.
  • Tosh.Homo is his own words: “I’m a consultant, I look for efficiencies. Just like my sex life, real fast.”
  • Penis Fly Trap tried to score some sex on trail with a toy horse.
  • We couldn’t believe Bad Dog didn’t stop inside the mall for new shoes.
  • And Taco Rim Job couldn’t believe those tit checks were not a birthday gift for his eyes only.

You don’t fill in potholes with bricks,

Mambo # Hives

When: March 12, 2015

Where: Stadium-Armory (Blue/Orange/Silver lines)

Weather: Warm-ish, finally. Around 50 degrees F.

Hares: Jew With a Dragon Tattoo, Eat My Sharts, Penis Flytrap, Bitch Please, 4 Whores and 7 Rears Ago, I’m Tho Thor, There’s a Clap for That

Virgins: Just Maddie

Visitors: Clit Hanger, Merica Fuck Me, Pooples Mountain Majesty, Uncle Bad Touch

On After: Molly Malone’s

They say there is gold at the end of the rainbow, but all the evening brought was shiggy, beer and sandwiches, which is actually is richness in hashers’ eyes.

We also weren’t poor in people having some poor luck on trail:

  • Dr Too Little must have gone down on a balding leprechaun with that big green merkin on her head.
  • How I Met My Brother’s legs caught the attention of some trail treasure, only to discover they were in high school.
  • Infidellatio was heard telling Jew-Cock-A to paper bag it, right in front of the STD clinic. Perfect timing.
  • Speaking of the STD clinic, the Hares-provided green shot check is actually the color of their pee. Get that checked out!
  • Yellow Line confused mustard with lube. Prime that meat, indeed.
  • Red White and Poo actually said its not her job to be funny. She paid us back with a trail-inspired limerick.
  • With zero context, Sorest Rump uttered, “Uncle Bad Touch.” That seems to be something (or person) we should report to the authorities.
  • Slothy Seconds lost a game of slap the bag, leaving her all covered in something green and sticky. To the STD clinic!
  • Just Maddie celebrated her birthday and can now drink legally.

It was a lucky night and very solemn occasion for Just Alissa. She grew up in Ohio, keeps going back to school for more degrees and has a lot of stories that actually begin with, “this one time at band camp.” One of those times was a slip n’ fall (fail?) while going down on a guy in the shower. She also prefers long hair, on every part of the body. But don’t forget that one, fateful Dec. 31st where the clock tolled midnight and instead of kiss, all she got was shit … in her pants. Happy Poo Year, indeed.

Always magically delicious,

Mambo # Hives

When: March 5, 2015 (a.k.a 15 years since you heard these songs)

Where: McPherson Square (Blue / Orange lines)

Weather: 5+ in. of freshly fallen snow

Hares: GeriatricMandering, Bumspringa, Special Red, La Gingeracha, Just Gypsy

Virgins: (s)NO(w)

On After:  Fado’s

Oh, the weather outside was frightful. But the jello shots were so delightful. And since we lost our (common) sense long ago: hash in the snow, hash in the snow, hash in the snow!

Some of us ran, many of us walked, a few were detoured and nearly all did something dumb:

  • Schrodinger’s Cock and Sphincter Shy lost their balls and sense of direction on trail and had to text their SOs for help.
  • Pinocchi-Ho, Stain Gretzky and Infidellatio thought they were being sly in their discussion of ED and KY, but we know what they were really talking about: their mutual VD.
  • Vaginal Countdown finally got a name for her new live stream / game show: “Oh that’s what you’re squirting!”
  • Always the slippery one, Free Little Willy fell on trail.
  • While marking trail, the Hares treated us to their 17-year-old masturbatory fantasies with the bubblicious sight and smell of Bath & Body Works Sweet Pea lotion.
  • Hungry Hungry Homo had such trail flatulence, puffs of snow followed in his wake.
  • The The Lying, the Bitch, and the Whoredrobe celebrated #ThrowbackThursday with a “Hass”OrNot.com sexy avocado poll.
  • You Sucked My Battledick clearly left out a third option, when she asked Wank Like an Egyptian, “Are you a donkey or a rabbit?” Her reasoning? “Well, both are floppy and gray.”
  • The Hares followed DC’s snow removal policy and had no sweeper.

Before we departed for indoor libations, we had a very solemn occasion — a naming!

Meet Just Sarah, she is a friend of Mouthful of Clam, a transplant from Brooklyn and described her occupation as “machine learning.” A certain herb that is now legal for home enjoyment in our fair District was maybe the cause for some memory blips. There was the one time she broke into her own apartment, despite no longer living there; and a threesome which ended with a dude crying about his dead cat, but robots ruled the night (just like how they will eventually rule us all). For that reason and a few that are a bit fuzzy, please welcome C-4TwoOh.

Don’t bogart that joint, dude …

Mambo # Hives

When: February 12, 2015 (Charles Darwin is 206 years young!)

Where: U St. / African-American Civil War Memorial / Cardozo (Green / Yellow lines)

Weather: cold and windy

Hares: Moose Knuckles, Sorest Rump, Mouthful of Clam, Stain Gretzky, Head Injury, Uno Dos Tres LIFTOFF! (plus maybe a few more?)

Virgins: Just Ashley

Visitors: Just Sarah, a transplant from New York

On After: Desperados

The plush beard of the trail’s namesake would have helped all the smarties who left behind the warm embrace of their pint glass to that of the cold, mean streets of Northwest DC. We went up, we went down, we went to, we went fro and then had some Very Intellectual Oratorical Loquacious Audible Talk In One Nonsense Sphere in regards to the following:

Bow Chic-a Bow Bow skipping part of trail to settle in for a little downtime with this beautiful face.


GeriatricMandering keeping up with her name and confusing a street lamp for the moon.


The Hares, who clearly listen to “Anaconda” on repeat, for their winding, climbing trail which include that big booty making BC 14 on the Malcolm X Park stairs.


Kindergarten Cock for keeping his RA weather streak at a 0-2, precisely what is felt like outside.

A belated OH to Tuck Tuck Deuce, who called EWH3 a bunch of pussies during a shig-a-licious weekend trail laid by Penis Fly Trap. So we are sticking these guys after him:


Tumble Cry fully embracing the concept of safety third and serving as the world’s worst crossing guard.

Y.O.C.O., already a little loopy from the sizzurp, was spotted searching for dropped birth control … under Plan B.

 

XOXO,

Mambo # Hives

Hash Trash

Where: Woodley Park-Zoo/AdMo Metro

When: March 28, 2013

Hares: Grinding Nemo, Pebbles for Pussy, French Toasted, G.T.O., Vagina Repellent, Bad Dog

It was another nice *warm* evening for hashing. We braved the cold and the crowds of tourists for a night of running Lost in the Woods (which incidentally was the name of the first porn movie I ever watched). We circled up on the edge of Woodley Park with some fresh meat…. Uh I mean virgins/Justs:

Bryan, Steven and Stephen (which one of you goes by Stevo-O and do you show everyone your O-face?), Danielle, Josh, Carter, and Christine.

We also had a visitor Straight in the Navy. We can’t remember where you are from (I think Ithaca) so come back and tell us next time.

We sang about our second favorite button factory and were off to explore the forest. We ran through hill and dell and managed to spend many miles deep in the forests (including the DC panda’s secret stash of bamboo). The Shiggy was plentiful but the marks were not and so many virgins were Lost in the Woods. Sadly we did not come upon any young women skinny dipping in the forest (I’m sure the hares were saving that for summer hashing) and there were no hot Park Rangers to *save* us (oh wait that was the porno again). S&Mom was the Moses of the hash and helped the lost mini-pack back to the promise land (and by promise land I mean creepy back alley in DC with our favorite beverage and orange food). Also S&Mom  updated the named hasher run counts online so he is everyone’s Moses right now.

Dude, That Guy and You Sucked my Battle Dick were our beverage crew for the night – thanks guys! Moving on to violations:

  • The Hares oh wait almost all the hares ran away to avoid being violated in circle (doesn’t everyone like being violated… we give you beer for your trouble). Bad Dog was the only hare to stick around despite being recruited to help at 3:00 pm that day. He joined you all last minute and you repay him by bailing. So. Not. Cool. Buy Bad Dog a beer next time you see him for taking one (and sitting on all the ice) for the team.
  • We violated Pulp Friction for sharing that he blew an RA. Sadly he refused to tell us which RA!
  • Humpty Humpty Homo declared that pants are not necessary (Acceptable hash behavior? However, can we wait until it is a bit warmer outside?)
  • Cocktologist was violated for being such a big Ohio State fan that she wore an Ohio fleece, scarf and gloves to trail. And as an added bonus she wore bright red Ohio lipstick to trail too! How is your bracket doing Cocktologist?
  • Just Christine wanted us all to know about forgetting her *safe word* during that spanking incident so she wore super short shorts to trail so we could all see the massive bruise just below her left buttocks. Thanks for sharing!
  • Frank Lloyd Bite was violated for trying to out-zen the Zen-ner.
  • While wearing his favorite racist MCM jacket Brown Eye for the Gay Guy tried to pour beer into his cup while his cup was upside down. He may be the world’s only hasher who is more coordinated drunk than sober. We’ll miss you Brown Eye – safe travels!
  • Dr. Toolittle only hashes for the art as she was gushing about how beautiful the true trail markings were. Um yeah – we want some of what you were drinking!
  • Just Stevo (and were not quite sure which Stephen/Steven you are but we think we like you) came running into Beer Check and yelled, “This is just like Viet Nam.” Trust us hashing is not at all like Viet Nam!
  • Our visitor Straight in the Navy was from Ithaca and was talking trash about “city hashing” before trail. However, he managed to get lost in the woods on our urban shiggy trail (before beer check and the trail got wonky).

There were violations from the crowd that included Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock misusing Gay Panda Terminology and Going Gay with Person A wearing see through yoga pants (thanks for proving it).

Next up we had a very special occasion….. A NAMING! Just Quynh studied at the University of Virginia/Vagina, has a thing for Homer on the Simpsons, and lost her virginity at the ripe old age of 23. She is also a root canal specialist, has an affinity for colonoscopies, and once saw a porno with a really big cock (isn’t that every porno ever made?). We tried very hard to drag good stories out of Just Quynh but either she not telling or needs to spend more time hashing because we just weren’t getting much. We kept going back to the poop stories and her dentist profession. We ended up with some good naming options: Dental Damn, Ahhhhh, Rinse&Shit, and Drill and Fill. However, henceforth and forevermore throughout the world of hashing (except those guys) Just Quynh will be known as Colon Bowel.

Then we were all happy and sang a song to bemoan the fact that we cannot hash with Jesus (to prepare for Easter). Next we all went in peace to Madhatter to decrease the Dupont douche factor of that very classy establishment. Everyone knows that tiny glasses of $1 light green beer just scream high class.

On-LostIntheWoodsPornRules-On,

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang

EWH3 Scribe

Where: Smithsonian Metro

When: March 21, 2013

Hares:  Mursey F*ck, Wookin Pa Nub, One Hitter Quitter, Survival of the Spittest and Pulp Friction  

It was beyond cold and there were no cherry blossoms in sight but a few brave hashers sporting their pink pride showed up to run and walk the heck out of this trail. A trio of virgins Just Patrick, Just Matt, and Just Robert came out. These boys must be from Alaska to start their hashing careers on such a freezing night! We watched a glorious sunset on the mall while we sang a song about Joe through chattering teeth and were off.

Humpty, Humpty Homo and Tumble Cry were our beverage captains for the night – thanks guys! Daisy Chain led a short and sweet circle that included violations:

  • Planet of the Rapes and Pulp Friction wore racist attire to trail. They both know better but since the runs involved glow in the dark fun and underwear we almost forgive them!
  • Mursey F*ck insisted on wearing his green St. Paddy’s Day sequin headband to trail. We know you just can’t let go of your favorite drinking holiday. It is okay man – you can take off your headband now.
  • On trail Roof Rack shared that she is just so uncomfortable with the string. Trust me tampons are not that complicated!
  • S&Mom was violated for tea-bagging that resulted in a damp headlamp. I’m just going to leave that one alone.
  • Kindergarten Cock was invited into the circle for a very special violation for Hells Anal. Hells Anal blushes, giggles and pretty much turns bright pink when ladies grab their cherry blossoms in front of her. The Harrietts in circle were very all too happy to oblige.
  • On trail Honeynut Queerios shared that he owns a device called Little John that allows him to urinate in his car on the way to work. Now we know who buys stuff from TV at 3:00 am in the morning. (We bet you have a Sham Wow and a super-sized snuggie at home too!)
  • Refusing to apologize for the weather (wait isn’t it Daisy Chain’s fault) Don’t Ask Don’t Smell told everyone that it was warm in his *ss! (Was that an invitation?)
  • Just Molly brought her own pig to hash (a snazzy pig hat) instead of finding a (male) pig at the hash.
  • Blows a Tranny and Mr.hEd were late to trail because Tranny wanted to have sex first (acceptable hash behavior).
  • Tragic Carpet Ride (we almost made it an entire hash without a Tragic violation) was violated for farting to keep the ladies warm (there are better ways to keep the ladies warm – so many better ways).
  • One Hitter Quitter was violated for Wine Bukaki (all over his face).

To finish up the speed circle round we had (all together now kids) a naming! Just Lamar is from Florida, has a Ph.D., works in nanotechnology, and lost his virginity at 18. His worst BJ story involved a crying lady and he is into nude water polo. Once his college roommate walked in on him when he was busy tuning his fork (if you know what I mean). The campus police once pulled him over on his bike to see if he had stolen it (profiling?). We had some good naming options: Racial Pedal-philing, Slob-n-Sob, Tears for Queers and Blow Woman No Cry. However, we got a late entry from Dildo Shaggins so henceforth throughout the world of hashing (except those guys – F them!) Just Lamar will be known as Facial Profiling.

Everyone was happy as we skipped all the way to Remington’s for more beverages, awesome karaoke (Tragic charmed the pants off of the karaoke guy), extra olives, feats of strength and more.

On-SoOverWinter-On,

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang

EWH3 Scribe

Where: Eastern Market Metro

When: March 14, 2013

Hares: Compost Pile, Poop Been-a-Dick, Dr. TooLittle, Cocktologist, Fire Drill and St. Pauli’s Girl.

All of our GREEN clothing confused the muggles but what can we say us hashers are early adopters. It was still bright and semi-sunny when we circled up (yay daylight savings time) so we could all admire the SO much green. Our lovely GM Colliteral Damage was our trustee head leprechaun for the evening and lucky for you we had so many virgins to help us find gold at the end of the night or rainb(l)ow.

Our Virgins were Justs: Stephanie, Mark, Sean, Charles, Felipe, Jacob, Sami, Casey, Molly, Alexandra, and Ben.

Just James from the Seattle Rain City Hash House Harriers also joined us. Those Seattle wankers need to get around to naming this guy! They are lucky we didn’t name him Seattle Sucks.

We sang to our virgins, we sang to our visitor and we sang about our second favorite guy named Joe and we were off. As promised the trail was short, dog-friendly and drunk. The hares were gracious enough to provide the pack with three shot checks (we needed to train our livers for St. Patrick’s Day)… although some shots were better than others (strange pudding gelatin anyone?).

Post trail we met up with our favorite white van (Plan B for everyone) and enjoyed beverages thanks to Jag Queen and Corndog Millionaire. Our head Shamrock pusher Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me was the RA for the evening and our visitor, Just James, showed us his lucky charm. Then we moved onto violations:

Motor Mouth loudly (is there any other way) proclaimed that it was not too cold. However, he was wearing four shirts. Upon hearing his violation he started removing layers….. Luckily he kept on his hash robe.
Poop Been-a-Dick was concerned that the hares brought too much alcohol to trail. Not only did the hares run out of shots on trail – there is no such thing as too much of the right beverage for hashers!
Mr. hEd was bragging on the facebook that she is an *Escort* for the Easter Egg Roll.
Dr. TooMuchGreenHair got lost on her own trail while she was holding the map. #harefail
Pulp Friction complained that he couldn’t get the second shot into his mouth (whatever happen to all over your face?).
Mr. hEd shared that she wanted to *plow* all of the people (basically half the pack) who ran into traffic. Acceptable hash behavior? (the plowing not the running into traffic).
Just James announced that he didn’t want to get *that* drunk on trail. (You know you are at a hash, right?)
The Man in the Giant Leprechaun hat not only invited the men with big guns to come run with us… you complained that your hat was so tight that you could barely think. I’m sure your *hat* is the problem. ☺
• BFFs Choke and Gag Her and One-if-by-Man and Two-if-by-She called each other the day before hash to be sure to wear their matching green tutus to hash. Because OMG green tutus are *so* cute (no I’m not joking…and also I heart glitter).
Benin Pulled-Out was trying to hit on the men with big guns. Remember size isn’t *everything!*
The Hares were violated for that Carbomination of an Irish Car Bomb shot.

There were violations from the crowd and then we had a *very* special occasion….. (you guessed it kids) a NAMING! Just Dan went to Penn state, likes lil’ kids, works at Capital One bank, loves Toy Story and would like to bang Louis Griffin. He once shart his pants on the way home from WIE and has been known to pee in a Gatorade bottle or two. Just Dan once had a girlfriend that made him a wonderful pillow as a token of her affections (hold that thought). And speaking of urination…. after a fun night of partying and drunken sex he woke up and blackout peed on said homemade pillow in front of his horrified girlfriend. Just Dan had no memory of the pee pillow incident but a few hours later he woke up to the crying laments of his girlfriend. So henceforth and fore-evermore throughout the world of hashing (except those guys) Just Dan will be known as Rape and Spillage.

Everyone was happy and we dance and jigged all the way to Molly Malone’s where they embraced our premature celebration of drinking and the color green. Also there were car-bomb shots and tequila shots. And a good weekend warm-up was had by all.

On-LuckyCharmsareMagicallyDelicious-On,

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang
EWH3 Scribe