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When: February 12, 2015 (Charles Darwin is 206 years young!)

Where: U St. / African-American Civil War Memorial / Cardozo (Green / Yellow lines)

Weather: cold and windy

Hares: Moose Knuckles, Sorest Rump, Mouthful of Clam, Stain Gretzky, Head Injury, Uno Dos Tres LIFTOFF! (plus maybe a few more?)

Virgins: Just Ashley

Visitors: Just Sarah, a transplant from New York

On After: Desperados

The plush beard of the trail’s namesake would have helped all the smarties who left behind the warm embrace of their pint glass to that of the cold, mean streets of Northwest DC. We went up, we went down, we went to, we went fro and then had some Very Intellectual Oratorical Loquacious Audible Talk In One Nonsense Sphere in regards to the following:

Bow Chic-a Bow Bow skipping part of trail to settle in for a little downtime with this beautiful face.


GeriatricMandering keeping up with her name and confusing a street lamp for the moon.


The Hares, who clearly listen to “Anaconda” on repeat, for their winding, climbing trail which include that big booty making BC 14 on the Malcolm X Park stairs.


Kindergarten Cock for keeping his RA weather streak at a 0-2, precisely what is felt like outside.

A belated OH to Tuck Tuck Deuce, who called EWH3 a bunch of pussies during a shig-a-licious weekend trail laid by Penis Fly Trap. So we are sticking these guys after him:


Tumble Cry fully embracing the concept of safety third and serving as the world’s worst crossing guard.

Y.O.C.O., already a little loopy from the sizzurp, was spotted searching for dropped birth control … under Plan B.

 

XOXO,

Mambo # Hives

EWH3 #593: “Attention Whores Trail” U Street/African-Amer Civil War Memorial/Cardozo

 

Hares: Chippen Failz, Assflac, Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me, Fucks Up Doc?, Wank Like an Egyptian

 

Virgins: Just Justin, Amber, Molly, Rebecca, Adam, Mark, Adam, Matt

 

Visitors: Turdburg from somewhere foreign HHH

 

OnOnOn: Solly’s AKA Chippen Failz’s backup for when he becomes homeless….because we all know it’s inevitable.

 

 

Hashers far and wide in the DMV came to U Street for a good time Thursday (well, two Thursdays ago…whoops!).  Fortunately this time, no chalk was needed to find the start- all you had to listen for was Assflac bitching about something.  Or Cock-a-Doodle-Do-Me being inappropriate.  Or Chippen Failz being rejected by women.  Or Fucks Up Doc? angrily yelling at somebody/something/some child.  Or Wank Like an Egyptian crying in the corner.  Yes, it was the Attention Whore hash, a group of hares so busy not-getting-laid that they like to be loud!

 

The pack ran through the U Street area, raising eyebrows as they followed trail, or people who were following trail (or people who thought they were following trail).  The beer check was in a small alley tucked behind a swanky, swanky, swanky apartment.  The pack drank some beer and then headed back out into the neighborhoods around U Street before ending behind the Black Cat, giving hasher hipsters (hey Tits!) a huge boner.

 

Violations

 

The Hares wanted to get the token black guy but settled for Wank Like an Egyptian

 

6 Pigs in a Blanket gave a PSA out for the single men at the hash when she noted that no matter how hard she tries, she just can’t gag.

 

Edgar Allen Hoe was shocked when she didn’t need to show her tits to stop traffic.  Here’s to giving her another chance!

 

Just Richard and Just Danny came to the hash wearing matching socks and new shoes.  Drink up!

 

Pee Wee’s Little Adventure walked in on Tits for Tots naked three times at a party and didn’t do anything about it.

 

Just Justin was commended for being the man who introduced ¡4loko! to the hash!

 

Violations from the Crowd

 

Just Adam didn’t go to the hash one week because he wanted to see Twilight New Moon.

 

Whiskey Business apparently hits on students.  Come on guys….

 

Slipknot got in a fight with a knife-wielding midget in the Metro and lost.  Or ran through a lot of PI.

 

Whiskey Business smoked and pulled a lot of meat the other weekend.

 

Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner needs liquid courage to talk to anything.  Period.

 

Motormouth somehow did not make it onto the hare list for the Attention Whore hash.

 

Just Alison was asking people to squeeze her but didn’t let anyone follow through with it.

 

 

And then it was time for a special occasion.  Yes, it was a naming!

 

 

Just Alex went to Virginia Tech and was a geography major.  He grew up in DC and has worked for 7-11.  He was in ROTC and is all military and stuff.  I’m pretty sure he’s something badass, so I’m going to shut up now.  When he was 21 and at Fort Benning, he hooked up with a girl in a bar, and then back in the car, where she started beating him because she thought she was getting raped.  And then he still slept with her.  He once slept with a 37 year-old black woman.  I really think I butchered this….but anyway, onto the names!

 

-Apu On My Chest

– GI Blow

– Super Big Gulp

– Just a Gulp

– Self-Serve Perv

– Dia-beat Me

-Shooting Blanks

 

Yup, you may have guessed it.  Even with all that information, we managed to go with the most offensive name thought of at the hash (thanks Assflac!), naming Just Alex Shooting Blanks!  Too soon…

 

We went to Solly’s and tried to hit on hot U Street girls (or at least I did).  It was nice and then it rained.

 

Here’s to fun,

 

Whiskey Business

Hares: Fucks Up, Doc?, Low Pressure Front, Just May and Just Jonathan
Brew Crew: Red Vag of Courage, Sphincter Shy
Virgins: Just Radha, Jordan, Michael, Sam, Ben, Mason, Joel, Liz, Kate, Vickie, April, Rachel, Chris, Eddie, Melody, Tom, Jenny, Laura, Nate, Jill, Abby and Thomas
Visitors: Rumple Foreskin (Stuttgart) and Bitch On Bitch On Bitch (Puerto Rico)
Analversaries: A Red River Runs Through It (200), Late Nigh Drive Through (169), Can’t Get Beaver (169), Blows a Tranny (100), Do Me Howser (100), Cum of a Preacher’s Hand (69), ChippenFails (17) and I Manual Cunt (17)
OnOnOn: Duffy’s

We circled up in the memorial in front of the metro entrance and began the opening festivities. Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack, our GM for the evening, tried introducing us to the virgins and visitors but needed some help since he had lost his voice. (I hear that performing too much fellatio can do that to you.) Hair Cuntery was enlisted to act as Haystack’s “stunt voice,” because when you need something voiced for you it’s always a good idea use some wanker with a speech impediment! After suffering through the introductions, the crowd was informed that there would be two shot checks and one beer check on this crappy trail.

The trail was mostly urban running with the standard array of urban shiggy for the U St neighborhood: garbage, dark alleys, homeless people, dirty needles, etc, etc. The first shot check came pretty quickly but was also placed in such a way that 80% of the pack totally missed it. That 80% of the pack were the lucky ones however, because the shot tasted like rail tequila and must have been cut with syrup of ipecac. Now I’m a seasoned hasher. I’ve partaken in hundreds of shots on trail. Most of them undoubtedly made with the cheapest booze that money can buy, and never has a single shot gotten me so sick! I felt like retching well into the second half of the run. (Incidentally, I would like to thank our hash flash, Edgar Allan Ho, for following me into alleys so she could document my misery, and my dry heaves, for posterity. EAH your love is like ice cream… laced with cyanide.)

Even with my nausea I was able collect numerous accounts of hashers being stupid on trail during the beer check. I was also able to keep my beer down despite my best efforts and sincere desire to evacuate the entire contents of my stomach.

The last part of trail was more urban shiggy and included the worst smelling alley I have ever encountered. Really, the stench was unbelievable. It was what I would imagine rotting goat bowels might smell like. The second shot check was some red concoction that must have contained the antidote to whatever the hares laced the first shot with, because shortly after taking it I felt 100% better!

Eventually we made it to the on-in, circled up and proceeded with the usual debauchery. As a bonus the hash gods blessed us with an impromptu wet t-shirt contest shortly after end circle began! Now onto the details…

Violations:

Gorillas in the Fist was at her third “last” DC hash in row. She drank for having more farewell tours than the Rolling Stones.
Doesn’t Pull Out loudly declared that he hated vagina before opening circle. (Well maybe he declared that he hated Red Vag of Courage but she has a vagina so same difference, right?)
Cute Lesbian In Training’s running shorts had some white stains on the butt. She claimed that the stains were paint, but I’m guessing that DPO was too drunk to remember that he needs to take her shorts off BEFORE having sex.
Silver Spooge was concerned that his running skirt wasn’t straight. Silver, wondering whether or not your skirt is straight is kind of putting the cart in front of the horse isn’t it?
Just Zora came to the hash wearing a pearl necklace. We had to explain to her that a pearl necklace is not something you buy. It is something you are given, after the hash!
Edgar Allan Ho was wearing a running shirt that had a pocket between her breasts that she used to store her camera. A bunch of wankers though it looked like a third boob and we violated her for impersonating a marginal character from that sci-fi classic, Total Recall.
I Manual Cunt thought he was going to lucky that night. He was caught doing kegel exercises, err stretching on trail.
Floral Sex was bragging about how tight her own ass was on trail.
Mayonnaise on the Pooper drank for not explaining to her virgin, Just Rachel, that wearing new shoes to the hash is a no-no. (Don’t blame the kids, blame the parents!)

Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING!

Just Jonathan (one of the hares of this “wonderful” trail) was chosen to be named. At this point the rain was coming down pretty hard and my scribe notes are pretty smudgy. So the following facts we learned about Just Jonathan may or may not actually be factual.

Just Jonathan went to college at the Fashion Institute of Technology. He now works for hedge fund and as a personal trainer. He lost his virginity at 15 and his embarrassing sexual moment was being caught doing it in the National Cathedral pool, after which he had to escape being caught by running down the street naked. He is huge fan of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Apparently, he has even mopped up blood at mixed martial arts events and has suffered a contusion of his coccyx fighting martial arts. His favorite submission hold is the rear naked choke.

According to his better half he owns way more hair products than any straight man should. When asked for an embarrassing story about Just Jonathan she told us about the first time they had sex: upon returning from the bathroom to freshen up Just Jonathan was already going to town on himself.

Armed with this information the crowd made the following nominations:
• Cumwit
• Bloody Butt Plug
• Total Kock Obsession (TKO)
• MM Gay
• Jizz Mopper
• Menstrual Blood Sport
• Liberachi
• Bruce Me
• Choke Hold
• Buttfuck Norris

Bruce me and Menstrual Blood Sport had a lot of crowd support, in the end though Buttfuck Norris won out as Just Jonathan’s new name. Goodbye Just Jonathan, hello Buttfuck Norris.

We escaped the rain, went to the Ononon, drank our faces off and tried to get laid. (What else is new?)

Until next time…

On on,
Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe