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When: October 15, 2015

Where: Union Station (Red line)

Hares: All Flash No Drive, Colliteral Damage, 1 if by Man 2 if by She, Daisy Chain, Fire in the Hole, Hell’s Anal, You Sucked my Battledick

In honor of the anniversary of the yearly Pretty Pretty Princess Trail, here are five things you need to know:

1. Said hello to our virgins, just as the royal court likes them: Justs Joe, Dave, Jeff, Jenny, Danielle, Brennan, Joe 2, Chris, Jessie, and Colin.

2. And extended hospitality to our visitor: Skids Around

3. Said get a life to: Uno, Dos, Tres LIFTOFF!, Tuck Tuck Deuce, Sphincter Shy, and 1 If By Man, 2 If By She

4. Called in the court jester for:

  • RPI — who was confused about how to walk the dog so he needed an extra hand.
  • Rosetta Bone — who described what turns her on: cheese fried in bacon grease
  • The hares — for our tour of Capitol Hill being everything Congress is not: was straight, uncomplicated, and led by women.
  • Vladimir Fruitin — who complained said that on hash days she sticks to a liquid diet, vodka. So everyday is a hashing day?

5. And we held a very solemn occasion for Just Morgan, of the “college of knowledge.” She definitely didn’t go to dental school as dry sockets and blow jobs are not the best combination. But she just loves giving head! On road trips to Ohio, and on bean bag chairs used by homeless dudes. So please give s round of applause to Jizzdom Tooth.

Who, by the way, was named by a visiting virgin, Just Colin. We couldn’t like this miracle pass us by, so please also welcome The Immaculate Ejaculation.

On, I wear a tiara every day, On —

Mambo # Hives

EWH3# 853: The Trail of (Not So) Biblical Proportions! – 6:45 PM Thursday, October 16th, Union Station (Red Line)

 

When: 6:45 PM Thursday October 16th, 2014.  Pack away at 7:15!

Where: Union Station Metro (Red Line)- follow marks to the start at Columbus Circle!

Hares: Pinocchi-Moses; The NotSoVirgin Lying Mary, the Bitch, and the Whoredrobe; Tosh.Jesus; Yellow Mary Magde-Line; and Vladi-Mir-acle Fruitin.

Weather: Biblical.

Miscellaneous Crap: Jesus walks.

On On On: Alba Osteria!

Virgins: Just Margaret, Just Marc, Just Anna, Just Stephanie, Just Brett, Just Casey, Just Kristie, Just Joe, Just Erika, Just Christine

Visitors: Fire In the Hole (Crescent Shiggy and somewhere in Florida that I didn’t hear), Mexican Gum Job (Crescent Shiggy), Just Jessica (Shanghai H3)

 

And the third V, according to the Gospel of Gispert…. VIOLATIONS!!!!!!

Glitty Clitty Gang Bang and S&MOM had their house cleaned by a cleaning service for the first time, and the cleaners managed to find some lost items, including clit jewelry, stray condoms, and a strap on. In other news, these guys are looking for a new house cleaner so if you know anyone…

 

So last Friday night, All Flash No Drive took her clothes off and partied like a rock star. And then she decided to go home, so she went outside and  hailed a cab and then realized she had left her clothes inside the hotel room. Oopsie poopsie!

 

Yellow Line intended to buy a sexy robe for the BLT trail last week, but when her package arrived, it contained one leather wallet. Skilled shopping…

 

Head Injury approached me concerned about an encounter we had outside of red dress on Saturday, and said, “oh my god I hope you didn’t think I was pooping!” Which is amazing because I have no idea what he’s talking about!

 

Saigon Sally literally picked up a homeless woman on trail. That’s Tragic’s job!

 

Tosh.Homo a few days ago I had the privilege of listening to Tosh rant about how homoerotic collegiate wrestling is, and before I could say anything, he goes “yeah, man I really miss it”

(Homoerotic? I have no idea what he’s talking about…)

 

The Hares were violated for laying an overly complicated trail. You know us, you know we are not very smart.

 

And then we did what we always do… we had a NAMING!!!!

Just Max works at NIH, attended the University of Minnesota, and would like to have sex with Jasmine (the cartoon). The meanest thing ever done to a girl, in classic midwestern fashion, involved having sex with her and not wanting to date her. He swiped his V card the summer before his sophomore year of high school after being picked up by his girlfriend and brought home to her parents’ house (and then driven home afterwards after her mom walked in on them). His most interesting sexual experience involved road head: he was driving to his cabin and wanted to finish, so he drove in circles in bumfuck Minnesota until he did. He once ate lead paint and had to get his stomach pumped. Names were suggested, the best of which were “The Gaytona 500,” “Pick Up Fuck,” and “Far-Blow.” The crowd voted, and henceforth and forevermore, Just Max will be known as Far-Blow!

And then we had another very solemn occasion… Rape and Spillage’s favorite, a double-naming!

Just Ian works for the World Bank, attended Nottingham (in the UK), and swiped his V card in the back of his mom’s Mini Cooper. He, I quote, “shits his pants regularly,” enjoys making fun of America, and loves MILF porn/masturbating with socks. Many many many amazing names were suggested (Great Bowels of Fire! Mini Pooper! Ass-tin Farted! Queen A Jizz a Beth! Men in Shites! The Whore of 1812!), but once General Porn Wallace was suggested, the crowd went wild.

Also in case you missed it, your not-so-sober GM Cutting Class tried to steal it dog. It looked something like this:

except CC was running and the dog was NOT impressed.

 

On- someone steal me a puppy plz- on,
Mr. hEd

EWH3 #577 – Union Station

HaresCock-a-Doodle-do-Me, Twinkle Twinkle Little Cock, Fire in the Hole, Snatch to the Future

Brew Crew:  Incredible Edible Schmegg, Just Barney

Virgin:  Just Andrew, Emily and Rob

Visitors:  There was one but my fingers were too numb to write his name legibly.

Analversaries:  17 hashes–Six Fags, Cutting Class, Cock in Fresh Dough, Pinnochi-ho, Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner, I’m Lick James, Bitch!

Ononon:  Trusty’s

The pack met up in front of Union Station, confusing the tourists.  No one came out in circle as a hare representative, but luckily, Rear Protein Injection knew which way to send the pack.  Somehow it didn’t occur to the FRBS that the first check would take the pack through the parking structure attached to the station, even though we have a check going into that parking garage almost every trail we run that starts at Union Station.  Either way, we eventually wended our way through parked cars and buses, only to cross H Street at one of its busiest points and dodge moving cars and buses.  We all made it out safely, but it was not all downhill from there–it’s hard to follow a trail that’s laid in invisible flour!  Nonetheless, we managed to make it to beer check, in a parking lot somewhere.

On the second half of trail, we could actually see the flour, which was a huge improvement over the first half because it meant we could keep moving through the ball-shrinking, nipple-sharpening cold.  I think there was a playground in there somewhere, but beer and cold make my memory fuzzy.  Apparently, there was a water main break that made the hares have to re-route trail, but we all somehow got to the on-in, in a grassy area near Eastern Market, where we circled up.

Violations:

  • Just Melanie gave us this round of “What was she talking about?” when she said, “I’ll do both at once.”
  • Slumcock Anywhere almost didn’t come because it “was blowing too hard.”  Doesn’t that usually work the opposite way?
  • Just Barney said his balls were acting like tonsils, but he didn’t say whose tonsils.
  • Duck Job, as one of the original founders of EWH3, should know better than to wear a raceist shirt to the hash.
  • Buttfuck Norris proved he deserves his hash name by meeting and giving his phone number to a stripper–a male stripper.
  • Eat Your Vegetables complained that Spike TV’s Manswers insulted his intelligence and was in poor taste.  Given that he was watching Spike TV’s Manswers for advice on life, can he really talk about matters of intelligence and taste?
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! sank a 3-point shot into the garbage can at the on-in.  Wrong sport!!
  • Snatch to the Future was so ashamed of the trail that she denied being involved with it during opening circle.
  • The hares whined about the water main break that forced them to re-route trail.  I guess they didn’t want to get anyone wet.

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Cocky sent all the flour to Haiti.
  • I’m Lick James, Bitch! and Buttfuck Norris were holding hands on trail, which not only is much cheesier than having sex on trail but also completes the “men being affectionate with I’m Lick James, Bitch!” trifecta that we’ve had going the last three times I’ve scribed.
  • St. Pauli Girl grew a beard because he wants to be just like Chicken Fucker.
  • Just Andrew and Just Rob had one complete outfit between them.
  • RPI harmonized during “Whip it out at the Ballgame,” because he wants to be just like Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock.
  • Can’t Find Pussy on a Haystack gave Roll Over, Bitch! his Caps tickets for Friday night on the condition that he not take A Salt My Ass on a date to the game.
  • R.O,B! gave Haystack reason to worry that he might take A Salt My Ass on a date.

Is everybody happy?  You bet your ass we are!  Especially because we skipped naming someone because it was too damn cold to pour beer over anyone, unless we want to get our asses sued when they die of hypothermia or lose extremities due to frostbite.  The pack went to the Trusty’s, drank more beer, played Jenga, and tried to get laid.

I

Tits for Tots

EWH3 Scribe

EWH3 #568 – The Birthday Hash, Union Station

Hares:  JAGQueen, Holy Tit!, Whistles while he Wanks, Watch Her Blow, Jiffy Lube, Nipple-less Cage, Transparent Ds, Monkey Piss, Peeking Duck

Brew Crew:  Cum Dumpling, Mannipple Lickter

Virgins:  Just Max, Andie, Robin, Quentin, Jill, Mary, and Jocelyn

Visitors:  They were all smart and stayed the hell away from this trail.
Analversaries:  17 runs–Wee Willy Wanker, Slamda Slamda Slamda, Meat the Press, Whose Dick Is It Anyway?; 69 runs–Snap Crackle Poop; 100 runs–Red Vag of Courage

Ononon:  My Brother’s Place

The hash was just like I like my men:  really, really long, and 10 years old.  Happy birthday, EWH3!  After circling up in front of Union Station, the pack took off, heading in the general direction of the mall.  We were all a little confused, because Holy Tit! was laying flour at the start as we ran along with him.  Eventually, we made it to the Mall, ran out to the Washington Monument and back, and after about four miles, ended up FINALLY having our beer check under a freeway (I don’t have a car, I don’t know which one–395 maybe).  Rumor has it that there was supposed to be a shot check on the first half of trail, but no one saw it.

The second half of trail was shorter than the first half, but, unfortunately not short enough.  At the beginning of it, I asked Dumb Blonde how long second half of trail would be, because his wife was haring.  His response was, “I don’t know; she’s at the bar.”  He obviously married a very smart woman.  About 6 miles later, we finally ended up in an alley behind the on-on-on.  The pack circled up, and before the regular violations, Rear Protein Injection came out for some violations of his own, since it was his last week scribing ever.  However, instead of actually violating anyone, he went off on a furious rant that had me wondering whether he was on steroids or possessed by Bloody Asshole.  Yup, kids, this is your new GM.

Violations:

  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock picked up a guy at a bar to “play skeeball” with.  So that’s what the kids are calling it these days!

 

  • JAG Queen started EWH3 in order to get laid.  How’d that work out for him?  Ten years later, he lives with a man and has a small dog with a pink leash.
  • Blows a Tranny is even harder up than his roommate, JAG Queen.  He’s so lonely, he entered into an open relationship with his car.
  • Floral Sex complained that “it squeaks when it gets too wet.”  Honey, there’s no such thing as too wet. 
  • Late Nite Drive Thru wore a GPS watch on the walkers’ trail. 
  • Nobody Puts Labia in the Corner carried something little with a prick on the end on trail…. and a small piece of chalk.
  • The hares couldn’t remember how to lay trail after 10 years.  They do say the memory is the first thing to go.  It should be noted that they were not around to drink for this violation; they’d gone to the bar to get the early bird special and then went to bed.
  • Peace O’Chum ran a 50-miler.  Maybe we should rename her “Donnie the Retard.”
  • Mellow Foreskin Cheese got chased and yelled at by the police for jaywalking.  What, the cops didn’t have anything better to do?
  • Just Max wore a neon yellow jacket, because the 149 other runners around him didn’t make him feel safe enough.
  • Speaking of not feeling safe enough, Slumcock Anywhere decided condoms were insufficient and wrapped himself up in crime scene tape.
  • Rear Protein Injection was overheard saying, “It’s too tight to fit it in,” which is the first time anyone’s ever heard him say that.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock made Just Barnaby do tricks to impress guys.
  • Can’t Find Pussy in a Haystack saw Slumcock Anywhere’s photos of models and said, “They’re not that hot.”  Um, beggars can’t be choosers.
  • Whoooooooores Closing had sore knees, not from trail, but from the night before.
  • Pee Wee’s Little Adventure watched the Victoria’s Secret lingerie show while lifting weights.  Shouldn’t he have been doing something else with his hands?

Violations from the Crowd:

  • Tits for Tots put on high heels after the hash, which upgraded her from “midget” to “little person.”
  • General’s Farm Animal tried to hail a cop car.  Just because it has lights on it, doesn’t mean it’s a cab.
  • Felon DeGeneres never chokes on it.  That’s perfectly acceptable hash behavior!
  • Hair Cuntery thinks he’s the Ginger Baron.
  • Pittsburgh Kneeler didn’t need to wear her Ragnar Relay shirt to the hash; we already know that she tastes like bad decisions.
  • Cum and Knock on My Back Door and Big Bend Over’s gay marriage was legalized.  Congrats to the happy couple, and it’s about damn time!
  • I Manual Cunt  didn’t recognize the Tour de Chug jersey.  Newbie!
  • Wax On, Whacks Off got a chubby when JAG Queen dropped trou.
  • Bone, Bone on the Range got engaged.  Congratulations on deciding to sleep with the same person for the rest of your life!
  • RPI:  Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock  wanted to violate you, but he was afraid to make you angry again.
  • Gaystation actually picked up girls on trail who were older than 14.
  • RPI, angry bald guys stopped getting laid when Seinfeld went off the air.
  • Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Cock tried to use Just Barnaby to pick up girls, but instead only picked up I Manual Cunt.

Then it was time for a very special occasion, a DUAL NAMING!

Just Josh and Just Jeremy grew up and went to high school together in Michigan and then joined the Navy, which they’ve both since gotten out of.  Just Josh pitches, and Just Jeremy catches.  When they were 16, they and their girlfriends all had sex on the same bed.  Just Josh wanted to touch Just Jeremy’s then-girlfriend’s boobs, and Just Jeremy was OK with that, but the girlfriend wouldn’t let him.  Just Josh likes llamas and reverse cowgirl, whereas Just Jeremy prefers goats and doggy style.  Just Jeremy got walked in on by his then-girlfriend’s dad while they and another chick were having a threesome in a hot tub.  They kept going, of course.  In contrast, Just Josh got walked in on by his friends while beating off to some of the 80G of porn that he has on his hard drive.  Just Josh was also complaining loudly on trail about how he really wanted a blow job; he’s about to ship out to Afghanistan, and his girlfriend has been out of town for a long time.  Girlfriend, what girlfriend?  I’m sure lots of harriettes would’ve been happy to oblige.

Naming suggestions for Just Josh were:

  • Explosive Cum Disposal
  • Thomas the Wank Engine
  • Chick-Chick-Chick Boom
  • Sprinkler System

and

  • Dick-Dick-Dick Boom

Naming suggestions for Just Jeremy were:

  • Long Odds

and

  • Remote Detonation

Finally, someone remembered that this was a dual naming, and thus Just Josh and Just Jeremy became, respectively, I’ll Paca  and And I’ll Push Back.

Two namings done, we drank all the rest of the beer, went to the bar and tried to get laid.   Except for the hares, who were all out of Viagra.

So long and thanks for all the fish,

Tits for Tots

Outgoing and Incumming EWH3 Scribe

Hares: Brokeback Mama, A Red River Runs Through It, SlumCock Anywhere, and Just Zara
Brew Crew: Mannipple Lickter and Oedipus Sex
Virgins: Just Matt, Kieron, Bill, Hank, Aaron, Mark, Fred, Greg, Tiffany, Vickie, Josh, Beth, Guggan, Russ, Mike, Zack, Ben, Jane, Jacqueline, Jade and Sharb
Visitors: Salad Shooter (San Diego), Just Christen (homeless), Hell I Smell Her (Aloha H3), Quiver Dance (Hampton H3), Mr. Beanie Weenie (Vulcan H3), and Coxycontin (S.H.I.T) (I guess no one told Coxy that being a SHIT hasher does not make you a visitor!)
Analversaries: Double Ohhh Positive (69) and Eat Your Vegetables (69)
OnOnOn: The Pour House

We circled up in front of Union Station for the “A Hare Called Wanda” trail.  So cleverly named because all of the hares have names that are spoofs of famous movie titles.  Little did we know that this hash was going to be epic (in length) with a boring plot (trail) and an intermission (beer check) that came way too late.  The jokes also stank (the beer check was situated next to the fish market).

Eventually the travesty ended, the credits rolled, and the cast members (hares) of this shit show were forced to do many down-downs.  There was much rejoicing.

(If you think the description of trail is just a bunch of lame movie jokes because I can’t remember what the trail was actually like… you would be correct.)

Now on to the details:

Violations:

  • 3-2-1 Fuck Off and Cock-a-Doodle-Do Me both tried to pay their hash cash with coins.  We all know you can’t tip a stripper with coins and therefor their currency was worthless.
  • Tits for Tots claims that here boobs are always oriented east and west.  We all hope that they help her find a penis that’s oriented north.
  • Cum and Knock on my Back Door, Silly Gay Virus and Peewee’s Little Adventure all wore matching outfits.  No really!
  • Roll Over, Bitch! was complaining that we had more virgins than Justs on today’s trail and that it was someones fault and that they needed to be punished.  Since I couldn’t figure out whose fault it was, or even if this was something that anyone should complain about, I decided that Ro,B! needed to drink.
  • Just Evan and his virgin clasped hand and ran into the end together so that neither would “win” the hash.  They both “won” a down-down for this stunt.
  • Cocktuplets was attracted to the beer check because it smelled like pussy.
  • Just Jess and Just Bill both had technology on trail.
  • Just Stephanie and Just Michelle both carried their purses on trail.  I hope the purses at least had condoms in them, in case of trail sex!
  • The hares were violated for marking the trail in from of the holocaust museam with stars of David.  I guess it IS too soon.
  • A Red River Runs Through It forgot to bring the walkers trail through shot check.
  • The harerazor, Roll Over, Bitch! was pulling out the trail map at every check.  I guess he didn’t remember that you can actually solve them.
  • Maytagged is being deported and so won’t be at the hash for while.
  • Cum Dumpling was violated for not being able to raise his arm while screaming “white flour.”  I’m not quite sure I understand this violation but he drank for it anyway.
  • Brokeback Mama couldn’t help lay his own trail because he locked all his shit in his car and had to wait for AAA to send a locksmith.
  • Edgar Allan Ho is receiving free condoms from the government.  We can only assume that they are trying to avert an pandemic of swine herpes.
  • Finally John 3:69 wore shoes so new and bright that the glare off of them was blinding.  A down-down out of the right shoe should teach her not to do that again.

Then we had a very special occasion… a NAMING! (It’s not like we do this EVERY week!)

Just Brandon went to the University of Minnesota where he studied psychology, meaning now he works as a waiter… well actually he works for Consumer Reports.  What, exactly, he did for that publication wasn’t clear but probably wasn’t interesting enough to warrant much attention by the crowd.

His favorite sexual position is missionary and his favorite barnyard animal is a pig.  He most embarrassing sexual moment was getting caught in the middle of coitus, in a dorm room at college.  (OMG! How embarrassing… not.)  The most interesting place he had ever had sex was the restroom of some cafe in DC.  He claimed not to be very good in bed… way to intrigue the ladies there Just Brandon!  I guess if you are going to be disappointed in the morning you might as well know ahead of time.

One interesting fact about Just Brandon is that he is a felon.  Apparently he went ape-shit after the Golden Gophers lost (or maybe won) some game.  He tore a bunch of signs down and caused several thousand dollars in damage.  His aggressive attitude while on his knees, in the middle of circle was also noted by many.

Armed with this info the crowd came up with many bad names for Just Brandon.  In the end our RA, Cum Dumpling, decided to throw him back.  I guess we’ll be hearing more from Just Brandon soon!

Then we all went to The Pour House where drama ensued as we hit on the roommate of our former lover, who also happened to be the one who made out with our best friend after they got really hammered at that party last month…  Was everybody happy?  You bet your ass we were!

Until next time…

On on,

Rear Protein Injection
EWH3 Scribe